Useless

I mean to write more often, but…

I have started a pretty successful (for me) daily practice journal and often times that kind of cancels out what I might write here. Or is a great excuse for not writing here. There are many ways to look at the same thing, no?

But I wanted to write about Thursday, and I needed some space from it. Now this is Saturday, which is only two days and seems sufficient. Why? I think because of the daily practice journal and my new daily sadhana. It is not lost on me that things I rebel against forever generally end up being the best things for me. I have been committed to my practice, to learning, for a long time now, but the daily practice (consisting of asana, meditation and, for me, some chanting) has eluded me. OR, more honestly, I have eluded it. Off and on and in and out and sideways and no ways…you get the picture. I procrastinate, I can’t commit, there are excuses and attempts and stumbles. It’s life, correct? This is what happens to all of us, often. The idea of “it takes what it takes” is true, but breaking down why it “takes” that is a little harder to put my finger on. I’m ok with that because I trust that it will come, that understanding. I am just happy that it’s here and I am seeing the benefits.

So, Thursday mornings I get up at 4:30 am. Why? Just for fun! Come on!

UH, no. I get up because my teacher lives in a different time zone and I am a part of her chanting cohort and her 7 am equals my 5 am. I have been doing this chanting thing since….hmm, gonna have to go look that up. But let’s say 6-7 months? Once I started I knew, felt, something shift. Much like the way that my first yoga class shifted something inside me and set me out into the wilds of a practice that, while shifting and changing in the last 10 years, has also supported me in ways that I can and can’t imagine

THURSDAY! God, I procrastinate. It’s seems so much easier for me to put off things instead of facing them head on. I have always been that way. The other thing I enjoy (?) doing is withholding information. I don’t lie (except in kindness), but I am most definitely NOT an open book. Now, that has gradually changed in both cases, but those grooves are deep and I am old and change is not simple. The older I get though I realize that these old ideas, samskaras, are not helping me, quite the opposite. It is smart for me to work on behaving differently. I did that when I got sober and I am doing that in my yoga practice. SLOWLYYYYYYYYY. But surely, I think.

Back to Thursday. At about 6 am, in class, something came clear to me for the first time in chanting. It doesn’t matter what it was but the fact is that I’ve been chanting for months and I felt lost, like there was something fundamental that I was missing. I mean, it’s Sanskrit! There are crazy rules and sounds but I had a strong sense that I was missing something simple. And I was, and I saw it, and now things could change. That’s the easiest way to say it. It is like the mantra I chant each day prior to doing my asana for the day…”When my practice is established and made consistent, my misunderstandings are healed. Then the light of wisdom shines down onto experiences of discernment”. That’s what I felt, an experience of discernment, a eureka! moment.

So after class I practiced. My meditation was fire. I went back to my chanting and worked with my new understanding (and let me say…I worked. This is still hard, but understanding a basic principal is beyond helpful). And as the morning went on I made several calls, making and breaking appointments. Wrote and mailed cards and bills. Showered, cleaned a bit, played with the cat, sorted some papers , read the paper, did the crossword….you get the picture. I was not procrastinating, I was DOING. And it felt good. And I was on a roll.

So I did the HUGEST thing I have been procrastinating about, withholding about. Why not? This felt so good, so productive, who cares anyways? And so I went to the website that I have been going to over and over for maybe the last 18 months and I purchased a rollater.

And here’s the other “experience of discernment”, the other healing of misunderstanding. The truth is that I was immediately devastated, immediate buyers remorse, why did I do that? I don’t want it! Goddammit! All the thoughts and feelings. I’m so old! This will be so embarrassing! How can I possibly bear it? The grief! And the acknowledgment that I have a disease and that it has progressed beyond just a cane when needed, to a rollater when needed. And that I am alone in this (it feels that way). And I hate my life and I don ‘t want to live this life….spiraling down and down.

And Then I ate half a bag of Trader Joe’s popcorn (grateful I don’t drink!). And I sat with it all. And today is Saturday and before sitting down to type this I was thinking of all the ways this apparatus is going to open my life up again! I can take walks and build up some strength. I can easily go to museums and book signings and concerts….walking to and through them with the knowledge that I can sit if needed. I can travel more easily and when I get to a destination I can enjoy it. This has been a uniquely quick shift in perspective. Aided by my ability to talk about it a bit, not withhold, be vulnerable Not everyone can fully understand but I don’t expect them to (well, that’s kind of untrue, but I know to work on that). I’m sure I’ll be touchy when it comes and I’m contemplating using it in the world. And then, like the canes, it will get easier and easier and I’ll be less uncomfortable and more grateful that mobility aids exist. I will be less self-conscious and more confident, misunderstandings about ability and usefulness healed. Right away? NO. I mean…..but soon enough, in the right time for me.

Life is being very life-y right now. It’s not easy. Am I happy about all of this? Of course not, I’m not a saint or an idiot. But I can acknowledge that this is what IS, and that being present and curious and paying attention to what is IS my work these days. IF I can accept these circumstances of my life. IF I can stay honest and open, rely on my family, friends and god. IF I can stay devoted to my practice as helpful preparation for the bumps in the road ahead ( and there’s a bumpy road ahead in so many areas of ALL our lives coming this year). That’s what I can do, will do.

Shifting back. Useless to Useful. Relevance and liberation.