(un)Reasonable Expectations

I can see where this could become a problem…this 40 day thing. But then why not set up an unreasonable expectation for myself?

This year has been one of VERY low expectations tempered by heightened experiences, none of which have been great but all of which have clarified certain things in my life. I guess my expectations are that this writing will further do that, clarify those things that need to be so that moving forward, from the Before Times to the What The Fuck is Next Time will be relatively smooth.

HA! Talk about unreasonable expectations!

Seems to me that even the idea of expecting anything needs to, I don’t know, go away entirely? Surrendering to what is and the idea that expectations just lead to great unhappiness seems a more prudent way to be. Expectation, attachment, thinking I have any idea about anything. OUT damn spot! Make way for stumbling , curiosity, doing the next right thing, marching into some sort of dharma left foot, right foot…

Today I’ve taken care of a lot of mundane things; bills, groceries, drug stores. I’ve enjoyed a weekly yoga group and had several phone conversations with friends. I’ll make myself some dinner soon. I’m writing this now.. .This is my life I have no other.

I do have a couple of looming things. (I don’t enjoy LOOMING things). One is that I have been tasked with making a, what do you call those things?…a budget, I think? That’s a word, right? A budget?!!! It’s something about how I should know what goes out and what comes in and how that will work out for me in the waning years of my life (waning? I guess). I was told it would be easy…just gather what I spent last year and then be aspirational about what my future self would like going forward.

Well, last year? I didn’t do anything, I spent nothing except for my basic monthly needs. And Doctor and dentist bills (future blogs). No theaters, concerts, movies, lunch or dinner with friends. We are in a pandemic, HELLO? And then I was told to look at 2019, but so much of what I spent for fun in 2019 doesn’t matter to me. Except for large group activities (like concerts, etc), I don’t have an interest in most of those things any longer. What do I have an interest in, you ask? Well, let’s go back to that WOTY. I have an interest in meeting new people, doing new things, connecting in new ways. More and deeper yoga, more political action, more service. I have an interest in seeing some new sights and living out my (waning) days in a more beautiful and natural area. I have an interest in figuring out where that new life will be and then making it happen . How do I put a price tag on so much intangible stuff? Moving into the What The Fuck Is Next times will take all the courage, faith, curiosity and capacity to grow that I can possibly muster. How much is that? I know for sure it doesn’t have a dollar amount.

But it’s looming, and I have to figure it out. And, maybe I have. Maybe I just write down that list of rent and utilities and pet supplies and groceries as a starting point and then allow all the rest of it to be unknown. I don’t think it will help the people who want this info too much, but I’ll be able to deliver and the looming will be gone.

And as I do this work I can get to the dreaming, discovering. unfolding and left foot, right footing it into my This Is What The Future Looks Like time.

This is beginning to not feel so much like a LOOM as a BOOM.

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