Oh FFS

That’s “for fuck’s sake” if you didn’t know, though I’m sure you did.

You know I don’t have any real plans for this writing. right? It is what it is. A friend of mine that blogs just wrote about how she re-invents her blog (and I’m glad she’s back!). I don’t. I stop for however much time and then just start again; all me all the time. I’m not sure I know how to write any other way. It’s interesting because I am not really so forthcoming in real life, not really so honest about what I am really feeling , and yet here, well. That last sentence speaks very clearly to another way I want to connect, because I don’t know what else to do any more. And I’m sure part of the charm of this crazy mish-mash is that I careen from one emotion to the next, from one idea or guise or plan to another. Every once in a while I re-read and it feels pretty crazy to me. But then I’m living in this head, this body, this weird world. I know that I’m being as honest as I can be here but the truth is it changes every day right? For all of us. We’re not static. New information enters and we digest it and then we see what happens. Do we act? Do we hide from it? Do we even care, or do we care too much?

One of my past WOTY was curiosity, and god knows that has stuck hard to me. And this year has really made me curious and I have acted on it. The horror of our politics combined with the isolation of the pandemic, created a perfect storm for allowing in new info. Sometimes too much….no, actually, TOO much. I can’t keep up. But when I get new info I have to act on it (and remember that one action might be deciding NOT to act), and so not keeping up has to be ok. I admit to doing less than I think I should but what I seem to have the capacity for in these times.

Reading. Talking to folx. Calling and writing letters . OH, the podcasts I’m listening to! Taking classes (via ZOOM) in mitigating harm toward my BIPOC and LGBTQ fellow human beings. Paying for those classes and the time of these women (all women because systemic patriarchy!) . The idea that there is no division in my life between my thoughts, words and actions and that I can cause harm or healing with any of those things just gets clearer and clearer. And that is my yoga these days. We so often say “take what you do here off the mat and into the world”. That comment can be spiritual by-passing, love and lighting the very real problems we have. If we take that new info that we are constantly becoming aware of and turn it into action, into helping, then we are really living our yoga. And yoga is my spiritual practice, so my spirit is on the line too.

And in these times, my spirit is constantly feeling broken. So practicing, which looks like breathing and rolling around on the floor and chanting mantra and meditating gives me some bandwidth to then read the newsletter, listen to the podcast, take the class, which spurs me to buy a book, support a black owned business, send some money to a political cause or for people suffering in Texas.

It all follows.

And I have no idea, once again, how I got here, to this place, in my writing. Seriously, I sat down to lament and complain and I ended up reminding myself that I need to practice.

This blog is part of my practice, this commitment to 40 days. Thanks for supporting me.