For months I have been locked out of this account.
Not on purpose, not for any misdeeds, but simply because I could not remember my password.
Now, that seems a simple fix, get a new one, right?
But I didn’t want to. I wanted to remember the old one and it wasn’t written down anywhere and so, no posting.
Part of the above is true, part isn’t.
I couldn’t remember my password and so I just threw up my hands and said fuck it because I don’t think I really did want to write here because if I started I wouldn’t stop because there is so much and it’s all too much and can I not be political, or boring with yoga and it was originally a sober blog and we are all screwed and…
Today I got news of a friend’s sober anniversary and I wanted to say congratulations (I could still read others posts if they appeared in my email but couldn’t respond). So I composed a message and thought of an old password I hadn’t used for years and…..well, there you have it.
So, now what?
I could vomit for days here; I’m sure I’m not alone in that. And for a long time I have struggled with what this blog actually is to me as my posts got fewer and farther in between. I haven’t figured that out yet, BTW.
But I got on today and so I thought, why not write something here? Maybe I’ll just start with a catch up post, hitting the highs and lows. If I decide to elaborate on any of these I can do it later, but right now feels like pulling a tooth or pulling a bandage off….get something out and on the page and we’ll see where it goes (or doesn’t).
7 years sober in March. Leading with that because damn! and because Kristin’s sobriety drew me in. There’s a few of us all around the same “age” that started blogging around 7 years ago. That is a very good thing, GO US! GO everyone attempting to get sober, struggling with sobriety, staying sober…whatever. There is support here for you, and there is support in your communities (start with AA).
Teaching yoga like a maniac. Loving it so much. Private clients and public classes. Yin and Restorative and subbing for Gentle and Stretch classes…one of those “beyond my wildest dreams” things, altho I never had this as even a wild dream so I am just grateful and happy to do it. Writing sequences and putting together playlists is a great creative outlet, and the actual teaching is, in my mind, a service or offering to others. We need peace and rest and somatic awareness. We need release of all the daily pressure, we need breath work and dropping into a different space than our nervous systems are used to. I offer that; I can help with that. (As an aside: a meditation teacher I follow on Twitter posted “Be kind to yourself today. Your nervous system was designed for an ancient world that doesn’t exist anymore”) (Yep, yep!)
Still doing my grief groups, but only doing one (I am usually doing 2 at a time) and planning on retiring at the end of this group, which will be the end of August. I’ll never stop working in/with grief, but (maybe this is a full on post, so let me stop now..). But. I have other ideas.
I had a bad fall early in the year; nothing broke but it was 8 weeks of soft tissue repair. Thank god for teaching to force me out of the house. Thank god for yoga practice to keep me mildly sane and help me heal. Also, a great chiropractor and acupuncturist, and the money to pay for them. Also thank god for carbs and chocolate. And binge watching TV. This might be another post, because a lot was learned as I lived on the couch
Wonder Boy has been AWOL, working LONG hours helping to open a new restaurant. I hadn’t seen him in a few months (months!) and so I just went to the restaurant and asked for him….I needed to see and hug him. That very day he had been promoted to kitchen manager, put on salary and given even more responsibility. He was excited and told me all about it, apologized for being out of touch and that’s that.
I have been binge watching some really incredible TV shows over the last few months. Oh, I said that above.
I took a real vacation! My friend moved to the Seattle area and I went to visit and it was exquisite! I flew and was driven around and played tourist and came home with a monkey on my back…
coffee. I fell hard. I bought a Nespresso machine, ok! So what? Shut up!
That WOTY? Joy? Not so much. Because finding my own personal joy in this world right now is too hard. I have happiness, that’s there. Contentment. Sometimes a certain peace. But all of those have been around for a while. Joy. Explaining why no joy could end up a political rant. Maybe you could just fill that one in on your own? It could end up a treatise on loneliness and hopelessness and fear; all which could be addressed in a future post about the Great Fall of 2018. It could be addressed by saying I remember joy and I just don’t got it, but then today is not only the Solstice and World Yoga Day, but it is also Tom’s birthday and so what joy is, or was, is paramount in my mind. And I don’t got it. The year isn’t over yet, I could say that. But then I get back to thinking about the shit show that is this country and…
See. So easy for me to go there. I LIVE there.
So my days are quiet and full. Wonderful friends, yoga for myself and teaching, a little travel, reading, TV bingeing and twitter addiction. Farmer’s markets and coffee. Planning…thinking up community workshops and next grief work ideas. Political action, always that. Gratitude list: every.single.day.
Happy and content. Agitated and angry. Back and forth.
Lifey-life as I like to say.
So. I have checked in. Will I be back? I don’t know. I write every day, just for myself. Maybe I’ll throw stuff at this WP wall and see what lands.
But I am sending love to you all, and peace. And since I have’t been responding, know that I have been reading and keeping tabs on all of you.
And I’ll leave you with this from Thich Nhat Hahn. It is a beautiful way of saying what I always say at the end of each class I teach…that we do not practice for ourselves alone, that we affect and matter to others, that we have a responsibility to take our practices off the mat and into the world.
“When you speak, allow the insight of our collective humanity to speak through you. When you walk, don’t walk for yourself alone: walk for your ancestors and community. When you breathe, allow the larger world to breath for you….”
Thich Nhat Hahn