I haven’t written here for ages.
I haven’t written for ages, actually.
I mean, I keep a daily journal, though it’s mostly facts, appointments, small accomplishments to remind myself that it’s not all bad.
I write a daily gratitude list, even if I’m not grateful. Especially when I’m not grateful.
Those are my rituals. This used to be one, this blog (well, kind of).
I’d come on here and write away, let you know what was going on, write my thoughts. Whatever. I don’t even know half of what I wrote or why. I mean, I go back and read, but I’m not sure what the point really is, EXCEPT! I have met some lovely friends through blogging, and can never discount that!
It’s just this year. I make no bones about the fact that I am political animal. I have tried to keep it off here, largely. But, anymore, that’s all I can see or talk about. Or at least it feels that way. It’s important. I spend too much time railing at the universe, retweeting people far smarter than I. I can barely read…I need to be distracted from life and have watched so much TV it’s insane, probably more in this last year than in my whole life. I play Candy Crush for godssakes! My sympathetic nervous system is constantly aroused (fight or flight) and I have to work so carefully and specifically to engage my parasympathetic system (rest and digest, or CHILL THE FUCK OUT, which is clearer and more suitable, frankly)
I used to be afraid to cry.( Stay with me on this.)…I always felt that once I started I would not be able to stop. And god knows there have been times in my life where I started crying and couldn’t stop, not for a long time. It still happens occasionally, but I understand now that I will eventually stop.
I feel like that about writing right now. I feel like I have so much to say that once I start I’ll never shut up.The thing is that what I have to say isn’t particularly helpful. I’m just angry at everything and I don’t thnk the world or any of the handful of people that read my blog needs a screed. I don’t need a screed. Life is overwhelming enough and then you add in the daily “what the fuck is happening?” and it just becomes too much, TOO MUCH.
So I don’t write because the little, personal things seem so unimportant in the larger scheme of the dissolution of our countries norms, the incredible wave of #metoo, the obvious to everyone signs of a complete global environmental catastrophe happening, the rise of nationalism and racism around the world, the deepening embarrassment I feel at even being an American…see? i could screed on. So I am making a full stop.
Here is why I came on: because even in this time there are rituals that have meaning to me, one of which is the ritual of the Word Of The Year, or WOTY. It is a practice that has been incredibly rewarding to me and I intend to jump into 2018 with a new word, ready to allow it to show up in my life and teach me what I need to know.
My word for 2017 was NOW. It was a great word. Why? Because it tethered me to the present, even when the present looked like me as slug watching Netflix for hours. I stayed in my body, I stayed present. I meditated and ate and slept and loved my friends and family. I raged, certainly. The relationship between my son and I hasn’t been this good in a long while. I finally found a new yoga home and a few new teachers. I actually have 4 clients now and teach yoga classes at two locations….it’s astounding! And I love it more than I ever even thought I might. Writing sequences and making playlists is creative and entertaining for me , a wonderful outlet that also tethers me to the NOW. I’ve had to face many things that I have been procrastinating about, and that was one of the reasons why NOW was a good word for me. Did I take care of it all? Nope. Did I get some major work done? Yes. Progress, not perfection. I have had to face some major disappointments, some huge character flaws, say goodbye to people I love and try and get to work figuring out where I fit in the universe in this back-end part of my life.
It’s impossible for me to wrap up a year that I have ben so quiet in, because this could go on for days. But let it be sufficient to say that NOW was a word that worked some serious juju on me. I am here. I am Now. I am present, for the good, bad and ugly.
So now what? Where do I want to go next, what word to explore, to allow space to work me for 2018? I have a short list, as I usually do. I’ll probably settle on the word December 31, as I usually do. I love getting there though. The practice. Being present for a word to show itself to me.
Each year i get a little more “woo-woo” about it. Especially as I look back at my past years words and mark what happened those years (you can read back if you’d like, the posts are there). But I’m not going back NOW. It’s not a time to go backwards. Life is happening, fast and furious and I am in it, for good and for bad. And I recognize that I find most of it bad. What can I do to help? I look at words like hope and faith and wonder how the hell can I choose those? I laugh about words like despair and complacency, because I can’t/won’t go there either.
The word will come, it will. Just like I eventually stop crying. Just like this post will soon end (I know your fingers are crossed!)
I hope your words are coming too. I will write again, my ritual WOTY post. I can’t wait to see what words the rest of you who are playing come up with.
NOW, my yoga client for tonight just cancelled (Los Angeles is on fire ya’ll!, scary stuff), so I think I’ll just go and do the practice anyway, just for me. And I’ll be in the now for the next hour
and I’ll leave you with the following image . I thought I’d use it to start the New Year, but I think not. I’m gonna use it to usher this year out, with a little hope for better things in 2018
A VERY little hope, but you gotta start somewhere. And I’m starting NOW.