April 1. Fools Rush In….

Most coincidents are not
miraculous, but way more
common than we think—
it’s the shiver
of noticing being
central in a sequence
of events
that makes so much
seem wild and rare—
because what if it wasn’t?
Astonishment’s nothing
without your consent.

–Lia Purpura

Today would have been (IS?) my 28th wedding anniversary.

I say is because, I didn’t get divorced, didn’t choose this lack of a husband on our anniversary…so I guess it still is, right?

And don’t worry, this isn’t some sad-sack, woe-is-me post. It just seemed a fitting day to write and I had that  (oh so perfect) poem and it’s also (don’t you  know) the first day of National Poetry Month.

Oh, and also, as happens often (thought less often now), I had one of my “winks” from Tom today. I never know when they’ll come and I don’t expect them….I get that “shiver of noticing” and find myself astonished every time.

Astonished and so grateful.

I saw my son today and we talked about it, of course veering off into the nether regions of physics and speculation or just plain guessing about the nature of life, death, reality…..you know, those simple conversations one has with ones 24 year old son.  And hey, lucky for me he knows it all, so it’s, um…helpful?  I guess it’s helpful, if not often pretty hilarious.

Anyway, I want to tell the wink. I’ve written of others and I like that I have them down for internet posterity at the very least. Someone, some day, can see how insane or prescient or whatever I used to be before I was the one leaving winks behind and hoping that those who get them give “consent” to the special kind of feeling into the moment it takes to receive them and not shout “coincidence” but sing a few bars of Amazing Grace.

OK

So I had a great day planned of self care…AA first thing, then a yoga class and the first session of an 8 week meditation course I joined.  It also is the first day of a month long “Panchakarma” or spring  Auyervedic  de-tox that I am doing with an online teacher, a reset, if you will (I may write more about this later, we’ll see how it goes).

And, honestly, this is the 12th wedding anniversary I have spent alone. One does get used to it, if not ok with it; you know?  I mean, the date is coming every year, and every year will be what it is and I have no control so why get all anxious about it (thank you to the inside of my head that never STFU!).  But it’s true. It is what it is. Today it’s been fine and leading up to it was too.  I’ll never like it, I’ll never forget, I’ll never not miss him…..that is the great fact of my life now and forever more.

So…AA, which is necessary.

Yoga; a great class but also a true kind of class….all yoga asana was originally done in order to prepare your body for sitting in meditation. I will often stretch, do a few sun salutations before I sit down, but this was a class and then another class for meditation. Cool!

And then an hour of meditation/talking about meditation…with other people. I love meditating with others. The energy is always so fantastic and I find myself, weirdly, going deeper. I imagine I am holding  space for others they are holding space for me and it kind of ratchets the experience up.

Anyway, we did 3 sessions of meditation amidst talk…one general follow the breath, one body scan and one “mindful” eating (reminding us we can be mindful in everything we do). The instructor passed out chocolates. We looked at them, unwrapped them mindfully, let them melt in our mouth, on our tongue….you get the drift. I don’t particularly like mindful eating, especially chocolate. When I do it with clarity I only really need a bite or two, and I want ALL the chocolate, dammit!

One woman noticed something that I didn’t, that most of us didn’t. Inside the wrappers of the chocolates were little  quotes and positive affirmations. There was a little hubbub as we all picked them back up to see what our message was.

Mine?

“Celebrate your best friend-aversary”

 

“it’s the shiver
of noticing being
central in a sequence
of events
that makes so much
seem wild and rare—
because what if it wasn’t?”

Thanks for the wink Tom. Love you back.

 

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5 Comments

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  1. Glad to see your post. Always a good read. Happy anniversary dammit!! Much love ❤️.

    JJ

  2. Beautiful words, and Happy Anniversary.
    xo
    Wendy

  3. Awww that made me smile! I love it.
    I remember the winks that you have mentioned in the past, and I totally believe in those things, if we are open to them.
    I also love the idea of meditation with others. I have only ever done it at a meditation AA meeting, but not a class per se. I have always wanted to try it, but my social anxiety kicks my ass.

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