The New Year, so far, has been a real kick in the ass for me.
It began with a sinus infection on the 3rd that made it’s way into pneumonia. An ER visit and a couple urgent cares. Lots of antibiotics. Friends having to deliver me groceries because I was too weak to go out.
The good news is that today, the 19th, and the last couple of days, I have felt marginally better. I have ventured out by myself, and while, for example, yesterday’s breakfast with a friend followed by grocery shopping made me have to take a 3 hour nap when I got home, besides general weakness I can see I’m on the mend. I tend to go out one day and stay in the entire next. But I have an appointment with my own doctor tomorrow, which will be helpful.
I am deeply disappointed that I’m going to have to miss the Women’s March in L.A on Saturday, but, like a friend said to me, there will certainly be more marches to come (sadly).
This time down has given me time to think and write, though not here, but for myself, planning and plotting and jotting notes and working things out. And I have, worked some things out.
I haven’t really read anything, my attention span/memory has been woozy but I’ve watched so many interesting documentaries, binged on several TV shows (The OA, Silicon Valley and Its Always Sunny In Philadelphia) and watched other things that caught my interest. I’ve rested and listened to podcasts. Lying around the house over two weeks is boring and interesting at the same time. I cannot wait to get back to yoga, though I know I will have to take it very slowly. That’s ok, I have been able to do enough in my own stretches and yin and restorative things that my achey body is beginning to respond.
So, not fun for sure, but I’m alive and getting better and grateful for that. Those are the facts.
I wonder what happened? I tend to get a sinus infection every 2-3 years, but there than that I am incredibly healthy. I eat well, I have my yoga…pneumonia? It seems so crazy.
But then I look at the last few months with my beloved yoga studio closing and the pain and uncertainty of that situation. Trying out new studios, trying to feel like home somewhere. And then the election, a collective and national nightmare. Followed by the Holidays, which is my least favorite time of year and then I have my annual January march towards the 21st, the day that Tom died.
And…it all adds up. The intensity of the grief of the last few months laid me low, a not unknown situation.
And then the new year brought me straight into alignment with my WOTY…NOW.
Because all I had was time, and each moment counted. Part of the time so sick and worried and focussed on my health, and other moments lost in thought, in plans, in making some decisions about how I’ll move forward in this year of the NOW.
I was propelled into the moment in a hideous and uncomfortable way. Life can be that, hideous and uncomfortable . Complacency sometimes has to be smashed, attention must be paid and sometimes I have to be jolted into a measure of acceptance and clarity that can then be translated into action, when the time is right. The time is clearly now, this moment, and doing what I can as I am able is my new reality. And that reality isn’t fixed; nothing horrible and permanent happened to me. With some patience and time I will be good as new, physically. But shifts have happened and choices have been made and now….well, I wait. I recover now.
I needed to write this and put it out there. I needed to see how this wasn’t a waste of time, how I have been healing on a lot of levels as I have been physically healing.
I will be strong again. I don’t have to be afraid (though I am filled with dread) and I don’t have to march Saturday to show anyone who I am. I just have to continue to do the next right thing in each moment and trust that I will know what that is. The next right thing for me, for my friends and family, for my neighbors and for anyone that I can help in this coming time.
And being sick reminds me that I have to put on my own face-mask first; that I am useless if I don’t care for myself. In Metta meditation you start with yourself….May I be happy, peaceful, healthy, etc. In Tonglen or compassion meditation you breathe in the suffering of the world and breathe out love, but I have adjusted that to start with compassion for myself first, because I have to have that to be effective and to find compassion for others.
This time down had crystallized my values, cleared some of my thinking and reactions, even in this fuzzy brain. I’ve gotten some clarity around my core needs and wants, and the difference between the two. I have prioritized things, at least in my head. As I feel better I can take action, I WILL take action.
I have high hopes for this year of the NOW. No time to waste gang, here we go!
(And, just because I can’t resist, one song in honor of the inauguration tomorrow )