What’s New?

The problem with not writing for a long time is that when you actually sit down to write, it’s all too much. Or feels like it is, anyway.

It’s not that I haven’t written anything, but I haven’t been able to express anything the way I want to, or need to. And that brings me to the underlying inadequacy of words.

Because, these last few months, I have just wanted someone to hold me as I cried.

You know that feeling, right? You don’t have to say anything because people, or a person, just knows. And even though they can’t fix it they can be with you and hold space and and allow you to feel into what you need.

I have friends who allow that, to an extent.  But I don’t have that person and the loss of that person has been harder to bear recently that it has been, practically, in a long time.

Today I just want to get something down on paper. I’m not expecting much (HINT: neither should you!). Well, paper is….I mean….what do I call this? Out in the world I guess.

But paper works into this post too.

Back in September,  right before my last post, I decided to start keeping a notebook. I was in a really low place. I just felt I could get nothing done and that I was accomplishing nothing in my life. And, in the big picture maybe that was, is true. But I decided to write what I did daily. I’d write where I went, if I taught, if i took a class, what I ate, if I did some errands.  I’d note a good deed, or a good idea, if I meditated…. pretty much anything was fair game. And it actually was helpful.   It still is helpful. I  continue to do it daily and have no plans to stop any time soon. In some ways it’s not just showing myself, it feels like telling someone else in a more concrete way than, say, walking around my apartment talking to myself like a crazy person.

Even if writing things down is ALL I do I’m doing something. And every little bit of action lends itself to a small bit of self esteem, of knowing that I have worth and that I’m not just sucking up space on the planet (uh-huh…I went there…and that was even before the election!) The writing down thing helped, it did and does, I recommend.

So, in fact, I have a sort of chronicle of the last couple months. Truncated; I didn’t write essays. Bits and snatches of ideas and thoughts and feelings (and MONUMENTAL sugar intake! OY!) But it’s all there. And it’s certainly  not that I expected any of what these months would bring, but I am  aware that they have been important both personally and collectively. So my scribbling has a bit more worth, to me at least. In hindsight I am really grateful for that, especially as I attempt to get back in here and write.

And maybe I’ll just leave it at this today. And push publish. And then go write it down as something I accomplished today, hoping that it leads to more.

Because one of the biggest lessons I have learned these last few months is to be kinder to myself, to take it easy on me.  The daily writing has helped with that.  But there is more:

That I have an inherent worth that I don’t see. And that I have the capability of being a helper. That every act of kindness I deliver will just enhance that feeling.

That I am a good teacher and that I need to pursue any opportunity in a bigger and more embodied way.

To not sweat the small stuff as much because there are way bigger fish to fry.

To not take certain things for granted.

To not sit in a complacent seat of denial and “oh that can’t possibly happen”.

To understand fully that the only constant in life is change and that it never stops.

That people are both way smarter than and stupider than I gave them credit for.

That I need to get off sugar!

That there are good people all around me, and that I need to be a good person for them.

That when things get tough, the tough get going (wait, is that the old saying? well, something like that!)  And it’s going to get tougher.

And a great piece of Zen wisdom : “This is what we practice for” that reminds me that, well, THIS IS exactly what we practice for, this life, these challenges, the benefit of ourselves and all beings everywhere.

 

I AM going to leave it at this for now. I’m going push publish and send this out into the inter webs as it is. I’m going to note that I accomplished this today and the I am going to figure out where I can be on my mat this morning, where I can practice.

 

OH, yeah…and one little piece of snark because I’ve been gone too long but I’m still me!

 

 

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13 Comments

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  1. I love you to pieces and it makes my heart happy to see you here…even if you’re heart has been less than happy. I never say the right things when someone is sad, so I’ll just sit and send you happy and healing thoughts.
    You always find a way…you just do. Find a way to what? Everything. To my heart, to my brain, to your friends, to the universe, the people you cross paths with – find a way to make our lives more meaningful and special.

    I do something similar with the daily writing – usually it’s just lists of things and I keep it all in one spot. I put my work “to-do” items in the same space because I know I’ll have to visit it – I may not otherwise. Christy turned me on to The Daily Stoic, and I’ve been writing my favorite passages in there. I keep new passwords, bank notes, and phone numbers. I even paste pretty craft paper in there because I like how it looks. It’s the randomness that makes me feel better. When I look back, I can see and remember what was happening during that week even if I didn’t write it down.

    Holding you in my thoughts and prayers, dear friend. Can’t wait (for some day) to set my yoga mat next to yours. xo

    • i Love the sound of your journal/whatever!. Mine does have some lists but i try and keep it to exactly what i do because my actual lets have to many not crossed off items, which just makes me feel bad about myself! lol.

      Thanks for the kind words….I will be writing more and soon. But nothing earth-shattering happened (except in my own mind)..it;s all pretty lifey-life But I get distracted by these things…

      love you!

  2. Hugs to you!
    Everyday I think I do nothing, I look back and see I did something.
    My negative self-talk can make me so unhappy.
    I keep a list of 4 or 5 things to do a day, and if I get three done, I consider it a good day.
    xo
    Wendy

  3. I’ve missed you.

  4. I have missed you too.
    This has been such an odd year.
    Hugs

    Anne

    • well…
      lifey-life for me, earth shattering nonsense for you.
      odd isn’t quite descriptive enough, no?

      and yet we keep on…trudging through the muck.
      Glad to be trudging with you…

      xoxo

  5. What’s new pussycat?!

    I know a lot of this feeling. I’ve pretty much closed up the RoS blog because I don’t know what on earth I’d say because there’s too much and while you know people depend on you, you just feel like you’d either disappoint them or that they’re crazy to depend on you in the first place because they should just see you laying on the couch crying and eating month old Halloween candy in the same clothes from three days ago. Sigh.

    I’m sorry you’ve been sad.
    But I know sadness has a purpose. You helped teach me that. As well as teaching me that grief has no timetable and no manners and no predictability. It’s a big purple gorilla who comes and goes and she pleases and even though we try to befriend her, her name is still Grief and there will be days she just makes us sad.

    But you’re still here. And you have been writing. And journaling. I love the keeping a notebook full of EVERYTHING. Like Mick. Just jot everything in it. There’s an actual journal system that encourages this…bubble journal? I have to look it up… I will later. They have a neat Insta page.

    Love you. Keep coming back. 😉 ❤️

  6. Poem of the day via Poetry Foundation:

    Poem of the Day: How Wonderful
    BY IRVING FELDMAN

    How wonderful to be understood,
    to just sit here while some kind person
    relieves you of the awful burden
    of having to explain yourself, of having
    to find other words to say what you meant,
    or what you think you thought you meant,
    and of the worse burden of finding no words,
    of being struck dumb . . . because some bright person
    has found just the right words for you—and you
    have only to sit here and be grateful
    for words so quiet so discerning they seem
    not words but literate light, in which
    your merely lucid blossoming grows lustrous.
    How wonderful that is!

    And how altogether wonderful it is
    not to be understood, not at all, to, well,
    just sit here while someone not unkindly
    is saying those impossibly wrong things,
    or quite possibly they’re the right things
    if you are, which you’re not, that someone
    —a difference, finally, so indifferent
    it would be conceit not to let it pass,
    unkindness, really, to spoil someone’s fun.
    And so you don’t mind, you welcome the umbrage
    of those high murmurings over your head,
    having found, after all, you are grateful
    —and you understand this, how wonderful!—
    that you’ve been led to be quietly yourself,
    like a root growing wise in darkness
    under the light litter, the falling words.

    Irving Feldman, “How Wonderful” from Collected Poems: 1954-2004, published by Schocken Books. Copyright © 2004 by Irving Feldman. Reprinted by permission of the author.

    Source: Collected Poems: 1954-2004(2004)
    IRVING FELDMAN

  7. I’m so glad to hear from you here, Michele, though not that you’ve been suffering. I am glad to know you’ve been teaching and am curious about that. The daily notebook practice sounds wise. It gives me a direction to move my own journaling, which too often turns into a worry and gripe session. Ok, the sugar. Oy is right. I’m in a war zone currently, wondering the best way to get out. I eat it because I think it provides comfort or stress relief, but it sure doesn’t feel that way right now. I’m looking to make a structured change after the holidays (of course). Eating better will be one of those acts of kindness you mentioned.

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