The problem with not writing for a long time is that when you actually sit down to write, it’s all too much. Or feels like it is, anyway.
It’s not that I haven’t written anything, but I haven’t been able to express anything the way I want to, or need to. And that brings me to the underlying inadequacy of words.
Because, these last few months, I have just wanted someone to hold me as I cried.
You know that feeling, right? You don’t have to say anything because people, or a person, just knows. And even though they can’t fix it they can be with you and hold space and and allow you to feel into what you need.
I have friends who allow that, to an extent. But I don’t have that person and the loss of that person has been harder to bear recently that it has been, practically, in a long time.
Today I just want to get something down on paper. I’m not expecting much (HINT: neither should you!). Well, paper is….I mean….what do I call this? Out in the world I guess.
But paper works into this post too.
Back in September, right before my last post, I decided to start keeping a notebook. I was in a really low place. I just felt I could get nothing done and that I was accomplishing nothing in my life. And, in the big picture maybe that was, is true. But I decided to write what I did daily. I’d write where I went, if I taught, if i took a class, what I ate, if I did some errands. I’d note a good deed, or a good idea, if I meditated…. pretty much anything was fair game. And it actually was helpful. It still is helpful. I continue to do it daily and have no plans to stop any time soon. In some ways it’s not just showing myself, it feels like telling someone else in a more concrete way than, say, walking around my apartment talking to myself like a crazy person.
Even if writing things down is ALL I do I’m doing something. And every little bit of action lends itself to a small bit of self esteem, of knowing that I have worth and that I’m not just sucking up space on the planet (uh-huh…I went there…and that was even before the election!) The writing down thing helped, it did and does, I recommend.
So, in fact, I have a sort of chronicle of the last couple months. Truncated; I didn’t write essays. Bits and snatches of ideas and thoughts and feelings (and MONUMENTAL sugar intake! OY!) But it’s all there. And it’s certainly not that I expected any of what these months would bring, but I am aware that they have been important both personally and collectively. So my scribbling has a bit more worth, to me at least. In hindsight I am really grateful for that, especially as I attempt to get back in here and write.
And maybe I’ll just leave it at this today. And push publish. And then go write it down as something I accomplished today, hoping that it leads to more.
Because one of the biggest lessons I have learned these last few months is to be kinder to myself, to take it easy on me. The daily writing has helped with that. But there is more:
That I have an inherent worth that I don’t see. And that I have the capability of being a helper. That every act of kindness I deliver will just enhance that feeling.
That I am a good teacher and that I need to pursue any opportunity in a bigger and more embodied way.
To not sweat the small stuff as much because there are way bigger fish to fry.
To not take certain things for granted.
To not sit in a complacent seat of denial and “oh that can’t possibly happen”.
To understand fully that the only constant in life is change and that it never stops.
That people are both way smarter than and stupider than I gave them credit for.
That I need to get off sugar!
That there are good people all around me, and that I need to be a good person for them.
That when things get tough, the tough get going (wait, is that the old saying? well, something like that!) And it’s going to get tougher.
And a great piece of Zen wisdom : “This is what we practice for” that reminds me that, well, THIS IS exactly what we practice for, this life, these challenges, the benefit of ourselves and all beings everywhere.
I AM going to leave it at this for now. I’m going push publish and send this out into the inter webs as it is. I’m going to note that I accomplished this today and the I am going to figure out where I can be on my mat this morning, where I can practice.
OH, yeah…and one little piece of snark because I’ve been gone too long but I’m still me!