OH MY GOD!!
What HAVE I done??
I’m gonna keep this short and sweet because I don’t know how to write this one. I usually love my word of the year posts, get all poetic and shit, find a song….
Not this time.
I am going to say that my word absolutely chose me; when it happened it was clear and I’m not turning back from it. I’m also going to say that I spend a lot of time espousing the idea that , while we may think of our word as one thing, it can often surprise us.
And there’s the rub for me.
When I felt this word choose me it was awesome and I was sure of exactly what it meant. I had also, over the past few months, for better or worse, set certain things into motion that demand my allegiance to my word. It is absolutely the right word for me. The word chose me on December 20, and I published a blog that day (full of hints, BTW!).
And then….well, my small mind has gone into overdrive, not helped at all by all the music I was listening to, the poetry I was searching through and any wisdom about the word I was desperately looking for , because , really, nothing defines it.
(I have a friend who chose MAGIC. Why the hell didn’t I? Or Beauty, or love or…)
My word exists in a kind of vacuum.
The idea of it is all about letting go, about allowing things to unfold as they will. About being honest and open, being prepared and taking action and then allowing the universe to catch me as I fall, or support me as I fly.
Here’s a message I wrote to some friends yesterday..” Just have to say that I am trying to write my annual WOTY blog and it’s impossible. Mainly because I am scared of my word. I am all ahead of myself with it. Fearful. The truth is that a lot of this trust stuff is already set in motion and I have to trust that I did ok. But my, god! my head is an alarming place to be about now. I want to take it back and choose a less pertinent word”.
Pertinent for sure.
I was talking to a few of my yoga buddies over breakfast the other morning after class and I was telling them about the idea of the WOTY. And then we started talking about tattoos and I had this idea of getting all my words tattooed somewhere (my arm? my back? my ass?). Anyway, I was lining them up…Yes, Enough, Open, Free, Curious…..Trust.
And I saw the progression to Trust…the preparation that has happened over these last 5 years. And so now it’s logically time to take that huge leap of faith and trust not only in preparation, but to allow myself to trust others and especially to listen to and trust myself. I think that this last year of curiosity has laid the foundation for that, because I have taken little baby steps into that idea of trust, of following my own instincts, and they have (mostly) paid off. What if I….fill in the blank. And I have become completely exasperated with my procrastination about things (read fear, mistrust, right?) and know, deeply, that has to change because it affects so much.
The word is pertinent and inevitable.
I have no idea where I read this quote, but I like it… ” In the end, the secret to living your authentic life is trusting the universe”. It reminds me of a long ago yoga class where the teacher likened savasana to the idea of falling back into the arms of the universe that loves you and wants the best for you. I’ve held onto that. I’m not a theist, so that pretty much describes the way I feel about my Higher Power, that whatever we are taught to rely on in AA. I can get behind a universe that supports me, but I have to do my part and trust that. right?
And I do that by being honest and authentic and open and accepting of whatever unfolds.
Why is that so scary? Why ISN’T it?
Well, it’s time to power through. I don’t know where it will lead (GAH!) but I’m willing. Once again the idea of not trusting is worse than trusting, which is always where I seem to land…something no longer works for me and I change.
And, of course, I did find a couple of quotes.
Here is one from Chögyam Trungpa
“Trust, then, is being willing to take a chance, knowing that what goes up must come down, as they say. When a warrior has that kind of trust in the reflections of the phenomenal world, then he or she can trust his or her individual discovery of goodness. Communication produces results: either success or failure. That is how the fearless warrior relates with the universe, not by remaining alone and insecure, hiding away, but by constantly being exposed to the phenomenal world and constantly being willing to take that chance.”
Italics are mine, BTW.
And another from Neil Gaiman:
“Remember your name. Do not lose hope — what you seek will be found. Trust ghosts. Trust those that you have helped to help you in their turn. Trust dreams. Trust your heart and trust your story.”
And one more:
“Meet this transient world with neither grasping nor fear, trust the unfolding of life, and you will attain true serenity.”
~ Bhagavad Gita
Trust dreams, trust my story,trust preparation, trust my heart, trust others, be honest, know my true self, that deep inner knowing that I am working so hard to connect to.
Trust that the universe loves me and wants the best for me, that it is conspiring to help, not hurt me. Trust enough to go out and engage in the world, to risk things, to be my honest self
Tall order. No idea how this one will play out. It feels big.
No It feels HUGE. And scary. And wild. Not since that first word, that YES have I felt challenged by a word. It’s time, I think.
Here’s perhaps my favorite poem, ever, by Mary Oliver:
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
their bad advice–
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
‘Mend my life!’
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognised as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do–
determined to save
the only life you could save.
I think that YES saved my life… actually I know it did.
And TRUST? Now it’s time to trust in that life, that me, that was saved.
(I’m still considering the tattoo….)