loneliness…

IMG_3962I’m going to a writing workshop-y kind of informal thing on  every-oher-Monday nights (alternate to my every-other Monday night grief groups).

I’m supposed to bring something I’m working on, or anything I’ve written, so I’ve been going over  old writing, looking for an easy way out inspiration.

For the last group, I found a piece about dating I had written and as I was re-reading it and looking for ways I’d change it I looked up and saw the above image. My bed. And I realized it looks very much like that just about every morning.

What followed was an idea for a series of photos, maybe with words, of a lonely life. (Hey, the image didn’t fill me with joy, ok?)  So I took a few more : jigsaw puzzle on the table with one chair waiting for me to come and finish it;  a pint of ice cream, half eaten with spoon still in it….random images. I was enjoying the idea, actually, until I suddenly wasn’t.

Next I started to troll  through my photos on my iPhone. Lots of people,  but I’m not in any of them. I took a vacation and I spotted a few pics of me, selfies…one dressed up before the wedding  I was going to,that I had sent to some friends via text.  Why did I send that?  Looking for some sort of validation that I looked good, that the outfit worked, that….I had no one to tell me how I looked. I have no one to trade off the camera with so at least I’m in a few pics.

It’s always those small things now.

You know, the truth is always the truth. I have a multitude of friends, ones I’ve had for years, other, newer friends. Support online and in real life,  yoga.  Meditation  helps me get out of these funks, allows me to just say no to that second arrow…..the first being “I am alone”, which is  the truth. I am lonely for a “person” that I don’t have, haven’t found and may never find. I can deal with that thought even as I don’t like it and want to change it. That second arrow though is the insult to injury arrow…” I’m so lonely! I will never find anyone, no one likes me or ever will, I will die alone”.

There are all kinds of lonely and I am sitting in the big one of “no partner” lonely. And in re-reading my writing about dating (and in the fact that I am still present on dating sites) it all just felt so HOPELESS, you know? And the feeling of I just have to accept that I will be alone the rest of my life creeps back and I rebel and then struggle starts. How much longer should I try, at what point do I just give up? It’s been almost 10 years that I have been alone. I’m used to it; in some ways it’s comfortable and safe.

But who wants to live comfortably and safely? Well, okay, a lot of people, myself included.

Let’s rephrase. Complacent, fearful and lonely.

I played poker with my gals the other night. I haven’t seen them all  since the new tattoo and as I sat next to one woman she looked at my tattoo and sighed. I told her I love it, and that my plan is for a  full sleeve….she was not amused.

Is a tattoo a replacement, a final fuck you? Most men my age don’t really like them and I get them for myself anyway, but it’s sort of symbolic, maybe , of a decision to face being alone.

I shared this stuff on a group text this afternoon and was encouraged to “find a woman”. HAH! I laughed very hard, but I wish I could, that would certainly open up the dating pool, right?  Last week in my yoga class I was able to get my legs behind my head (one at a time, but STILL!!). Now who wouldn’t want some of that?

Everyone, obviously.

And now I am laughing again, which, thank god, is where I usually end up. It’s funny, it’s fine, I choose that kind of loneliness when I forget the reality that my life is so  full. I would not trade the fullness of my life for any relationship (well, except Tom, obviously). But it’s true. And if I am ” significant other relationship-ly alone” the rest of my life, well; at least I had one great relationship. And I couldn’t ask for better relationships than I have with my friends now….so, so, so.

I put on a breastplate before that second arrow comes barreling towards me.

I am alone.  And 85% of the time it’s just fine. Fact.

Lonely? Choice

Choose better.

 

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19 Comments

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  1. Melissa Ramgren August 30, 2015 — 5:39 pm

    Your post made me laugh and cry. I needed your words at this very moment. I’m raising two complicated teenagers with help from my amazing friends. My life is full and I am usually thankful for all of it. I have been single for 13 years, had a five year head over heels soulmate relationship which ended 4 years ago. I’ve been on quite a lot of ok dates. This summer, I met a great guy. For the first time in many years, I thought, “maybe this is it!” Still not sure. It isn’t easy. I’m vulnerable, open and quite afraid. New territory for me. Thank you so much for writing this today.

    • Thanks for your reply, and your vulnerability….
      it’s hard. I keep wondering what it would be like to really give up…that idea is not palatable enough yet but who knows? it’s a struggle, thanks for letting me know i’m not alone, and that maybe there’s some hope!
      Vulnerable, open and afraid are so human….good for you

  2. Oh, how I have missed you Michele. I followed you through this post and found myself laughing out loud at the very moment you said you were laughing again. I so wished I knew you in ‘real life.’ I’d never fill that ‘no partner’ void, but I would certainly take pictures of your hot self (tatted and legs slung high!)
    This was really good – I hope we get see more out of your writing group. xo

    • thanks sweetie…
      i realized it’s been a month, and i have no idea how that happened. I just wanted to push out something. Life is damn full at the moment, but yes, if i get some in shape i’ll publish the writing stuff. A friend and I are playing with a yoga/funny book too, so lots to do.
      But I don;t like being so quiet. I haven’t seen any interesting challenges around lately…maybe there will be some as back to school insanity ends and we settle into fall.
      meanwhile i trudge…miss your voice too! xo

  3. I’m so happy to hear about your tattoo and writing workshop. And of course the excellent and healthy relationship you have with yourself. You can choose what suits you and doesn’t. I feel a lot of hope and anticipation for what lies ahead for you.

    • writing workshop fell through, but that’s ok, i’ve a lot going on.
      i just need to write more here….i was going thru my tons of unpublished posts to see what can be salvaged. Quite a few, if I re-spinthem. So maybe I’ll start there.

      anyway, thanks for the comment…i do have a decent relationship with myself, now that that drinking thing is over..LOL!

      xo

  4. M’kay, so you totally have to put the legs behind your head thing as your number one talent on all of your dating websites. Maybe pictures too? But not naked ones though, because, well, you know- what kind of person would that attract??? 🙂

    Your voice is so good to read. I like the idea of a photo series too- even if it is sad. I always, always sense there’s some peace you have behind the sadness/lonliness/ugh-ness.

    Hugs from rainy NC all the way to there. 🙂

    • Right?
      I would LOVE to do that, just to see what happend but, sadly, I know what will happen, and it won’t be pretty!
      Makes me laugh to think about tho!

      I like the idea of a photo series too….but you know, i am a pretty piss poor photographer! Lol…
      but it might be fun.
      Hugs back to you from decidedly un-rainy CA….can you send some of that stuff over here?

      xo

  5. Oh Mished this was priceless. I could feel the loneliness and yet you had me cracking up! (Who wouldn’t want some of that?)

    I started my tattoo journey at 45 and I add a new one every five years. 55 is fast approaching…still trying to figure out what to get but I’m REALLY excited. My friends sigh at me too. As the saying goes, fuck ’em if they can’t take a joke.

    Stay you.

    Sherry

  6. this is a brilliant post. The more you write, the better you get.
    xoxoxoxsbj

  7. I just read a Wayne Dyer quote, “You cannot be lonely if you like the person you’re alone with.” Some of the times I’ve felt the most lonely was when I was surrounded by people. Maybe it is just a state of mind. I say get tattooed (I’m fantasizing about my next one) and stay limber! xxoo

    • ahh. wayne dyer…a loss.

      a sleeve, like i told my friend….i really want to tattoo on my feet, but everyone says it hurts so much.
      sigh.
      and agree, i am way more lonely in a crowd then alone….i’m not terrible company!

      xo

  8. Mish…thank you for sharing. You are a warrior. You are. And fuck anyone who doesn’t like your tattoos! (Ha, I rarely say that here, but I can’t help myself right now.) Now that I’m rounding the bend toward 50 (I’ll be 48 next month), I really want a tattoo myself. And I would love to do it on my feet too! Hmmm…maybe the pain would be a good thing.

    I appreciate you here so much. I know it’s not the same as a real live personal person relationship but you mean a lot to me and I want to say it. There.

    I haven’t lost a life partner but I have lost many. My two closest brothers (I had six to begin with, and these were the ones I actually had a relationship with, closest in age). My mother (through her actions and well, I guess insanity). And I’m adopted. When you’re adopted you sort of start out sensing you’ve lost someone, no matter how great your family is. SO. I’m not comparing, and I hope this doesn’t come across that way. I’m just sitting in this space feeling that with you, because I know what it feels like and it’s not easy. You are a warrior. A warrior of light and love and of showing up for yourself. My favorite kind. Thank you for always inspiring me here. I wish I could hug you for real. ❤

  9. All through Karin’s podcast using lonliness as an example, I thought that it was recorded just for you! When we put energy out to the Universe it is so cool how the energy comes back to us. Lori

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