12 Weeks..

“I’m not insisting that we be brimming with hope — it’s OK not to be optimistic. Buddhist teachings say, you know, feeling that you have to maintain hope can wear you out, so just be present… The biggest gift you can give is to be absolutely present, and when you’re worrying about whether you’re hopeful or hopeless or pessimistic or optimistic, who cares? The main thing is that you’re showing up, that you’re here, and that you’re finding ever more capacity to love this world”  Joanna Macy

 

Ever more capacity to love this world.

That’s a row to hoe, amiright?

It resonates though, deeply. Showing up and finding more capacity to love the world…that is work, good work

I don’t know why I chose that quote for this post, maybe by the end I will.

I wanted to write this right now, after just returning home from my last day of yoga teacher training. I have a pretty strong feeling that there are too many emotions and feelings rolling around up in here for these to be my final thoughts on it….

However.

Ahem.

Lots of tears today, lots of jitters as we all had to do our “Final Teach”.  I was reminded that in week 3 of the training, the first time I was asked to teach, I basically threw up my hands and said I had no interest in teaching and I don’t even want to try. Yeah,I did that. It’s what I felt at the time. Today I nailed a long, hard sequence, did one last week too…a few others I am sure. The growth is what counted, from the scowling 3 year old stomping her foot and saying NEVER to the woman who gave the gift of pure presence this afternoon, which is all I can do. I showed up.

I showed up every weekend for 12 weeks, and did things that were impossible, and I was changed. There were a lot of Nevers at the beginning of training, most of which have been completely busted. I still cannot do Urdhva Danurasana (look it up!), but guess what? I try, every time. Handstand or headstand away from the wall…nope. Maybe never, who cares? I can do both at the wall. And I know how to teach someone else to do it.

I am not optimistic about becoming a vinyasa teacher, but Yin? Why not…I have seen some trainings advertised that I am going to look into further. Some training for older people, gentler flow?….yeah, maybe that.

I’m present and more open. Does that translate into optimism for the usual pessimistic me? WHO CARES?  “Feeling you have to maintain hope can wear you out”….that resonates, and probably always will. But so does “you’re showing up, that you’re here, and that you’re finding ever more capacity to love this world”.

Being present and finding a sense of presence. That’s a gift that this training gave me. So much more…confidence, trust, willingness, the ability to look at myself and my capabilities differently, the ability to bond with very different people, so many shifts. I wrote a post near the beginning of the training about my hatred of the wall of mirrors. The last few weeks I have chosen to be near it, to look past all the self-judgement and criticism and see my form, the way my body moves in a pose (sometimes that has, admittedly, been quite depressing!), to learn from what I see and accept that person looking back at me in the mirror. That woman who barely exercised a day in her life who loves, loves, LOVES yoga, who attempts everything, who asks for help to be shown the proper way to be in a pose and…my god! doesn’t judge it at all. There were quite a few, MANY , self-deprecating comments thrown around during this training and the last few weeks? Not so much.

I am present, I am who I am.

I am. So Hum, one of my favorite meditations. I am.

And until I’m NOT I may as well be present, always looking for more ways  to love myself, to love all those wonderful people I love so much and to love the world. Me, you the world, the basics of a Metta meditation. We need to find the capacity to love ourselves with a clear mind and heart before we can send that love out.

I’m a little in love with myself right now. I did this, I did this big thing. I am feeling pretty awesome, and I am definitely feeling VERY present, very here and now.

“The biggest gift you can give is to be absolutely present, and when you’re worrying about whether you’re hopeful or hopeless or pessimistic or optimistic, who cares? ”

I don’t care.

I have been repeating this little saying from Patabi Jois for the last few weeks. He says “Practice and all is coming”. Focus, do the work, be present and let go of any expectations or, maybe even optimism and hopefulness…it is what it is, and what it will be. “Practice and all is coming”.

I showed up and practiced, and what is coming? I have no idea. But the shift HAS come, and I am so grateful. I don’t completely understand that shift yet, I’m sure this post is convoluted and not very clear, but that is what I feel right now.

I also feel a deep, deep peace. A deep, deep gratitude.

And absolutely present.

 

 

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13 Comments

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  1. Beautiful.
    Who cares what we can’t do. My hands are arthritic and they limit many things for me. I don’t like being upside down, it makes me anxious.
    There’s still lots of poses left! Yoga is all about being who you are.

    I never thought I would teach either. Yet doing so fills me with a secret, personal joy that I can’t even explain.

    Congratulations on finishing. You have made the world a better place.

    Anne

    • Thanks anne…

      for all of your support during this time. knowing you did it to has been helpful….
      just finished today and i’m already mourning the loss!

      I’m still thinking about that gaining in august…tho not very hard.
      but soon i will be thinking very hard about it!
      xo

  2. Wow!!! Getting my kvell on over you darlin!!! BraaaaVOOOOHHHH!!! Can’t wait to see you! Time to celebrate! 🌷💐🌹💐🌷🌸🌼🌷🌺🌻🌷🌸💐🌹🌺🌻🌺🌹🌸🌷🌼🌺🌻🌺🌹🌸🌼🌷🌹🌻🌺🌹

    Ciao, Nora

    >

    • YES!
      i’m excited to be able to see people again…without having to fit them around mandated classes or homework.
      your support has meant the world…
      what an adventure!

      xooxo

  3. “I don’t know why I chose that quote for this post, maybe by the end I will.”

    For me! That’s why you chose it and THANK YOU!

    Having a bit of a rough morning. I’m trying to breathe and have patience and be kind and all that jazz. I wasn’t feeling it. Then, I opened up my e-mail and found you. YOU in your present and grateful and wise glory. YOU were on my mind all weekend as I knew this was your finale.
    Finale? I hardly think so. You, my awesome friend, are just getting this party started.

    Thank you SO much for saving my Monday by sharing your experience. I have more to say, but I’m a bit incoherent this morning. Especially after googling that pose you mentioned. Um. No – I’m sticking with child’s pose today 🙂

    • Hahhaaa….
      that pose is insane, and yet I watch people pop into it like it’s nothing.
      I love shoulder stand, and I have seen people cry they were so afraid of it….
      ahh, but child’s pose……that resting place as we finish one hard thing and move to the next one.
      Yep..life, right?
      I hope your day got way better. Thank you for all your support on this journey, it has meant so much!
      xo

      • Shoulder stand feels sooooo good. I can do the crow, the flying pigeon (on my good knee) and even a headstand (don’t hit me! I’ve become obsessed!) BUT, add in the wall for handstands and forearm stands and I’m reduced to tears. Not because I can’t get it (nobody CARES, right?) but it so oddly reminds me of the playground and how terrified I was of anything ‘acrobatic.’
        I think that’s one of the favorite things about yoga…if you are in that space, it brings emotions and memories to the surface you might not even be aware of. It’s crazy! Thank YOU for bringing me along on the journey. I’m the true beneficiary!

  4. Maybe you’ll teach, maybe you won’t, but you are certainly so much better off for doing that training! I love that Jois saying, I always repeat it to myself as well. All that matters is that you show up every day and follow your path, your “bliss”, and do your own practice. And there you are, living the life you were meant to live.
    I don’t tell many people this but I did a yoga teacher training many moons ago. I taught for a little while but then decided it wasn’t really my thing- I prefer practicing than teaching it. But the time in my life when I did the training course was one of the most memorable, peaceful, and heart-full times of my life. I was in the beginning of my addiction and I imagine doing it as a sober person would have been even that much better.
    So happy for you to have experienced this- no doubt it has enriched your life forever xo

    • Thank you for this!
      That might very well be my final decision too, just to practice, but the experience of the training was awesome, and I could not even imagine it had i still been drinking, but then, right before i quit i could not imagine anything other than my office and my aloneness.
      It truly was wonderful, and i believe will settle in and change me even more over time.
      Thanks for this….and that Patabi Jois quote works for a myriad of things, no? I LOVE it.

  5. So so beautiful.

    I have never meant this more…

    Namaste

  6. Wonder-full. Thank you for sharing such great food for thought…

  7. You did it, Mish, you did it.
    I’m so very happy for you.

  8. I’m a little in love with myself right now.

    I’m grinning from sheer happiness of this line. You have transformed since we met. Absolutely. Transformed.

    And it’s lovely to watch. Cocoon

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