“LET EVERYTHING HAPPEN TO YOU.
BEAUTY AND TERROR.
JUST KEEP GOING.
NO FEELING IS FINAL.”
— RAINER MARIA RILKE
I love this quote.
It ALLOWS, makes the space for allowing it all, and for, in the allowing, letting it all be okay. Worthy of investigation . Worthy of feeling and exploring the feeling whether it makes sense or is popular or whatever.
It doesn’t matter. No feeling is final.
I’m having a bad day.
And a good day.
Investigating the reality of a lot of feelings that are not final but ARE and are ok.
As I drove to supervision for my grief groups today, frantically scratching at the rash that appeared over night all over my neck, I found myself crying. Stealth cry, sudden over-whelm. Except it wasn’t that sudden, not really. I had been feeling ready to cry since yesterday but I couldn’t figure out exactly why. I knew it had something to do with just finishing my penultimate weekend of teacher training. Of doing a practice teach that I was so prepared for and then having an asthma attack in the middle of it (nerves, no big deal, but still….). The training has been so awesome and I will miss it. Next weekend is the end, all the tests (which I am nervous about, which is probably the reason for the new rash), and well…I have loved the experience and the people and it makes me sad that it is ending. The things I have learned about myself and about yoga have been invaluable, and the feeling of being involved in something so intense was, well, intense! And stimulating and exciting, and life isn’t like that much for me. It definitely makes me want to go for things, a lot of fear has been dropped.
(There’s always a however. Why is that? Balance I guess)
When the tears finally came today the reason was clear within about a minute. Driving to my grief group, right? Here’s the thing. That particular terror is always right behind every beauty for me. And I have so many people I love and who love me and who think this whole yoga thing is awesome and support me and, and……I hit that hopeless feeling, that wall of despair. Because I can’t tell Tom. He’s not supporting me and loving me through this. That NEVER goes away.
The truth is that no feelings are final…they just constantly change. Yes, you move through them, gratefully so. But there are some areas of feeling that are pretty damn permanent, at least for me, and this is that area. How do I find the true joy in any thing….any accomplishment, any idea, any thought. I have hope for the future but I dwell in despair, which is a hopeless feeling. I’m learning about letting go of the past, of non-attachment and acceptance and surrender in all I do. Abhyasa/Vairagya. Practice detaching. Obviously (the rest of) my lifes work. But that terror, that horror sometimes still feels as fresh as if it happened yesterday, and certainly can throw me into despair at the slightest provocation. Like today.
Now. What to do. No feeling is final, so I get to work.
First, I do NOT call the studio and bow out of the final weekend because I “have gotten all I wanted from the program” and the actual 200 Certification “means very little to me “(because I can’t share it with Tom). I can acknowledge the feeling and allow it, and then I can resist the impulse to act on that feeling
I show up at my grief group and talk to one of my co-leader that is also a widow so she GETS it. That helped a lot. And I talked to my sponsor, who doesn’t get it but offers me other ideas about pulling myself from the hole. I cleaned my kitchen. I spent time talking to a sponsee, out of my head and into helping someone else. I ate ( a big deal, NOT hungry!) I’m writing now and probably will finish this later because I am going to a meeting at 7 pm followed by an open meditation and pranayama group at 8:30. And I am writing this,at this point not knowing whether I will publish or not. But I need to write this out, to start moving this feeling from final to passing. I’m still in it, now. I’ve had respite with all of the above work, but its been a long-ass day.
And now I have to leave….
And I am back home, have been back. But found that some chocolate therapy and Good Wife therapy also helped. As did googling all sorts of Yin yoga workshops that will be happening before the end of 2015 and the feasibility of my attending any of them. Because, of course, I will get that 200 hour certificate that I have been working toward. And it will enable to me to attend other workshops (or not, who knows).
And I will revel in and appreciate that I did a hard thing a brave thing on my own. And allow that to aid me in doing other hard and brave things on my own, because the fact is that I am on my own. I am alone.
Not literally alone. I am blessed with friends, an embarrassment of incredible people in my life. I am also clear and sober and capable on my own, whether I like it much or not. I dream of lying on the couch at the end of the day and telling Tom about my adventure. Hell, I dream of lying on the couch talking to him about Game Of Thrones instead of talking out loud to myself, like some demented cat lady sans cats.
Abhyasa/Vairagya…Sutra 1:12. The mental modifications of the mind are restrained by practice and non-attachment. I get the practice; the non attachment is a lot harder to deal with. According to Patanjali they flow together…one follows the other.
So I keep practicing. I practice my yoga. I practice my sobriety. I practice my life; my life is practice. And non-attachment has come, from a lot of things.
But I’m always going to want to tell Tom. I like that, I accept that.
I seem to want to write it all here too. “No feelings are final“. Space is allowed.
I’m grateful for this space.