I wish I could take back my post from yesterday but I can’t, so….
The last few days I have been manically preparing for this Xmas song extravaganza. Downloading songs and you tube videos, planning, plotting, figuring out the order of the songs. It has been time consuming and mentally consuming, obsessive, really.
Today I worked all day for someone else at the yoga studio and that occupied my mind in a different way, but even then, during classes “what song for the 1st? what about the 14th? Where will I put THIS song”…OY!
It started bothering me a little, well, maybe more than a little, this afternoon between shifts (I worked two…8:30-2 and then back at 5-7:15). When I got home I made some food and sat right back down at the computer, planning, plotting, worrying, stressing and feeling like I had been here before. And the thing is, I HAVE been here before. My process was very much like the process we had when we made our Xmas gift CD’s.
When I went back to work I was stressed. I knew that once I shut down the studio I could go into my 11th Step Yoga class, which is held there Sunday nights. I could NOT wait, and when I got in there it all came up. ALL the feelings, they bombarded me. By the time I got to Sevasana I was ready to allow the truth to fill me. The knowledge that a song a day, here or on FB, is not a good idea. Not this year, not yet. Maybe not EVER.
I think I wanted to prove to myself I could do it, turn the tradition on it’s head, make it something else. But it’s not. I want to TBTH, but not at my own expense. I don’t NEED to prove anything to myself…whatever for? Being so hell bent on NOT being depressed or retreating makes me want to go right into that hole. Makes me want to say “oh fuck it, things don’t change” and the FACT is that things DO change. Things are so much better it’s almost unbelievable to me.
But I walk a thin line sometimes, and that’s ok. I need to not over-extend myself, I need to not “prove” anything to myself or anyone else.
I’m not happy backing out of the…Fuck that! I AM happy backing out. I feel like a weight has been lifted, I feel great.
I just came off writing post a day a every day in November. I am tired. I don’t want or need another challenge.
I need to let it be, see where I go, allow myself to let go of expectations for myself and just be. That’s what yoga has been about, and meditation…letting go of the shoulds and have-tos, setting my priorities, being in the now. I need to concentrate on that this Holiday Season. THAT is going to make this season bright for me, THAT is going to allow me to TBTH…at least to the extent it is possible this year. I need to just BE….so far that has been working out really well. I have trusted myself and I am going to continue to do so.
So, no song a day. I’m sure there will be songs posted, or poems, or….maybe not.
No plans, especially any that bring me to a place of feeling depressed, of missing. I know the feelings will come, that’s ok. I don’t have to call them to me. I had been feeling great and then I wasn’t.
One day at a time, right? I’m back to taking this one day at a time.