Taking it back…..

You know, I have written about it here, I have felt it for years.

I have held onto the belief that this time of year, the Holidays, are the worst. That I cannot bear them, that they are to be gotten through every year with little joy and celebration. I have tried to change that, but each year I fall back, I fail.

This used to be my favorite time of the year, as a child, as an adult and then with Tom…perfect. Parties and family and togetherness and just the best.

But when he died I began to hate the holidays. All they did was remind me of what I no longer had. I tried for several years; I have a son and we gave it a  half-hearted go. One year I even threw a big party, like we used to, but WE weren’t there, and I resented every moment of it. I gave up after that, allowing myself to believe the story I constantly repeated:  that the holidays were over for me, that all I  was capable of was  enduring them. One of the reasons I was so upset about my yoga teacher training falling through was that it would have taken me through Thanksgiving; a huge chunk of the holidays taken care of.  I still had Christmas, but I figured I’d be so uplifted and enlightened by all the yoga and meditation (?!) that maybe, just maybe, it wouldn’t be so bad this year. When that fell through I, admittedly, crashed for a couple weeks.

Here’s the thing though. Last Wednesday I woke up angry.  Seriously,  straight out of bed and plenty pissed off.  After a little meditation and clear thought about what the heck? it came to me . You know what? I am so fucking tired of that story, of hating this time of year. I had just come off a weekend yoga intensive and then a weekend full of women that I share a gratitude list with.  Between the two weekends I think my vibration was set to 1000 and I was not surprised by the anger. That feeling had held me for so long, for 8 long, endured, holiday seasons and I was through.

I am through, it’s time to change the story now.

How will I do that? Who knows? I am open to suggestions. More importantly I am open to listening to my own heart,my own guidance, and grabbing every opportunity I can to change that long held narrative.

I  started with taking back Halloween..making it a weekend of honoring the dead, and that included the dead in me, the past, the corpse of my old self.  I’ve been writing about that. I also spent Halloween night in a yoga nidra meditation,  in community with other yogi’s, that was  incredibly moving and energizing. Things moved around in me, shifted, and this weekend has been great.

Believe it or not I am  going to  attempt a post a day during November. That should keep me busy, and you maybe bored, but it’s something. I also have a fun blog idea for December, watch out!

I have made a commitment to host an intention setting gathering in early December.  I have a great idea about an old tradition that I am going to try and revive,  and I have just set a date for a small get-together with several dear friends in November. I am going to keep all my plans small and contained because I want it all to mean something. I have felt the holidays have meant nothing for so long and one of my biggest goals is to find meaning in them again, now, as I am.  This stage of life, this place I am in. I believe it can be done and I am determined to move forward and allow it to happen.

Will I be sad?  Certainly. Will it be hard? Maybe. I don’t know. I don’t care. If it’s different it’s a win. If I can get myself to stop referring to the holiday season as the “Death March” it will be a success!

In January, if all goes as planned, I will be in yoga teacher training right after I pass the date of Tom’s death. Literally 2 days after.

What a way to start a New Year and end an old Death March.

And so it is.

 

Scrooged

 

 

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18 Comments

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  1. Dear Michele,
    You’ve given me so much great content to mull over and consider. I’ve read everything…every single word (and forwarded Holy, Holy to a friend). I’m looking forward to your post a day in November, too. I’m looking out the window and thinking about all I should be grateful for this morning…the only thought that sticks is the part about “I hate this time of year. The early darkening, the energy suck and depression that sets with the sun.” Reading you this morning is a nice little slap on the face that hopefully, will leave a mark. I f-ing hate my whining and it gets worse which each Daylight Savings Time. Reading you gives me some strength and encouragement–I can’t wait to see what’s next…and it looks like you are eager, too.

  2. I feel your energy in this post. I look forward to reading you every day. Bea x

  3. I look forward to hearing your ideas. Your positive energy comes right off the page!

    It sounds like it is time for you to celebrate you. The you that you are today. Not forgetting the past, but also not letting it shadow who you have become.

    Exciting.

  4. Here’s my gratitude reply… it may seem blunt but it is meant with much love.
    It’s been a long time since I was able to be happy for you. And I’ve felt uncomfortable expressing happiness around you, especially at the holidays. You have a lot of power, sister – and that power has in the past worked against community and just basic sharing of emotions. So I’m grateful that you’ve reached this turning point (in the sense of “turn, turn, turn”) and eager to jump into a different place of spirit, whatever it turns out to be. Rock on! With or without jingle bells, rock on. xoxoxoxo

  5. “If it’s different it’s a win.” I love that! I love that you’re writing your own story and going where it takes you. Bravo!

  6. Powerful. Uplifting. Thank you!

  7. I love that feeling when something moves inside. like tectonic plates shifting – slow but inexorable, and there’s no going back….

    ooh, looking forward to a November of posts from you!

  8. Love this – just talked about the same thing in my corner of the world – changing my story. I identify with you when you say it’s tiring having the same story. I too tire of some of the old tales (esp. of woe) that I refer to over and over again. I sometimes hold onto them even when they don’t serve me. Why? I don’t know. Ego satisfaction. Self-pity party…lol.

    But you have inspired me to continue re-writing my stories. Clean slate. Start fresh.

    sounds like you have found a spark of some kind…keep it up, fire lady 🙂

    Paul

    • I know…we are on the same page for sure!
      the longer we tell ourselves those stories the truer they become too….mine are of victim and self-pity, not pleasant at all, and counter-productive to a new me. I am sick of hating a full quarter of the year..time to re-wire and re-write. I forget I have choices. that’s what sobriety did for me, gave me back those choices.
      time to choose new holidays!
      xo

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