You know, I have written about it here, I have felt it for years.
I have held onto the belief that this time of year, the Holidays, are the worst. That I cannot bear them, that they are to be gotten through every year with little joy and celebration. I have tried to change that, but each year I fall back, I fail.
This used to be my favorite time of the year, as a child, as an adult and then with Tom…perfect. Parties and family and togetherness and just the best.
But when he died I began to hate the holidays. All they did was remind me of what I no longer had. I tried for several years; I have a son and we gave it a half-hearted go. One year I even threw a big party, like we used to, but WE weren’t there, and I resented every moment of it. I gave up after that, allowing myself to believe the story I constantly repeated: that the holidays were over for me, that all I was capable of was enduring them. One of the reasons I was so upset about my yoga teacher training falling through was that it would have taken me through Thanksgiving; a huge chunk of the holidays taken care of. I still had Christmas, but I figured I’d be so uplifted and enlightened by all the yoga and meditation (?!) that maybe, just maybe, it wouldn’t be so bad this year. When that fell through I, admittedly, crashed for a couple weeks.
Here’s the thing though. Last Wednesday I woke up angry. Seriously, straight out of bed and plenty pissed off. After a little meditation and clear thought about what the heck? it came to me . You know what? I am so fucking tired of that story, of hating this time of year. I had just come off a weekend yoga intensive and then a weekend full of women that I share a gratitude list with. Between the two weekends I think my vibration was set to 1000 and I was not surprised by the anger. That feeling had held me for so long, for 8 long, endured, holiday seasons and I was through.
I am through, it’s time to change the story now.
How will I do that? Who knows? I am open to suggestions. More importantly I am open to listening to my own heart,my own guidance, and grabbing every opportunity I can to change that long held narrative.
I started with taking back Halloween..making it a weekend of honoring the dead, and that included the dead in me, the past, the corpse of my old self. I’ve been writing about that. I also spent Halloween night in a yoga nidra meditation, in community with other yogi’s, that was incredibly moving and energizing. Things moved around in me, shifted, and this weekend has been great.
Believe it or not I am going to attempt a post a day during November. That should keep me busy, and you maybe bored, but it’s something. I also have a fun blog idea for December, watch out!
I have made a commitment to host an intention setting gathering in early December. I have a great idea about an old tradition that I am going to try and revive, and I have just set a date for a small get-together with several dear friends in November. I am going to keep all my plans small and contained because I want it all to mean something. I have felt the holidays have meant nothing for so long and one of my biggest goals is to find meaning in them again, now, as I am. This stage of life, this place I am in. I believe it can be done and I am determined to move forward and allow it to happen.
Will I be sad? Certainly. Will it be hard? Maybe. I don’t know. I don’t care. If it’s different it’s a win. If I can get myself to stop referring to the holiday season as the “Death March” it will be a success!
In January, if all goes as planned, I will be in yoga teacher training right after I pass the date of Tom’s death. Literally 2 days after.
What a way to start a New Year and end an old Death March.
And so it is.