By Mary Oliver….
I don’t want eventual,
I want soon.
It’s 5 a.m. It’s noon.
It’s dusk falling to dark.
I listen to music.
I eat up a few wild poems
while time creeps away
as though it’s got all day.
This is what I have,
the dull hangover of waiting,
the blush of my heart on the damp grass,
the flower-faced moon.
A gull broods on the shore
where a moment ago there were two.
Softly my right hand fondles my left hand
as though it were you.
So much going on. That’s what happens when you don’t write for while, or rather, write but don’t press that dreaded “publish” button. Mostly everything is good, fine at the worst.
I have actually been learning to work front desk at the yoga studio, which is great fun. I like meeting and helping people, and it’s work trade so free yoga is a great incentive. It’s amazing how many people i recognize, say hi to, and don’t know their names. Most are very patient with me, grateful for that. The hardest thing for this MAC girl is learning a PC. A mouse? right/left clicking? so many different places to find things…so many windows open at the same time? UGH! For me I see this as an age issue; my brain just does not work well in remembering new things without constant repetition. I’m not working that many hours so I forget. However, I’ll get it, it’s not brain science or life and death. And it is fun!
I’m also taking a weekend long workshop next weekend. I’m very interested in it as an inkling of what the teacher training might be. The teachers who are doing the training in January are running the workshop, so I will be able to have a taste of their styles. One of the things I was so disappointed about with the cancellation of the fall training was that I wanted to work with those particular teachers, so this will be a different experience and I am grateful for the little preview this will offer.
And the last bit of yoga news is that two of my fave teachers are going to do a retreat in Ojai in May next year. I’ve wanted to go on a yoga retreat weekend, and this sounds like a great chance…close to home and I love Ojai.
I got this weird urge to decorate my house fall/halloween-ish. Subtle, but I am enjoying it. And I am burning thru candles like wildfire. Not sure what that is about but I certainly enjoy it.
Weekend after next I have friends coming into town and staying with me. And I am hosting a “hang” Saturday night. I’m pretty freaked about it to tell you the truth. I am such a hermit, so closed up here in my space. But I guess this will be good for me, knock me a bit from my comfort zone, which would be good. My head is already working overtime, probably a big part of the decorating. What is the optimum day to clean> I need pillows! Do I need more towels? the couch will be comfy, won’t it? This is an interesting grip of women….all in AA and we all belong to the same gratitude list. For over a year? I don’t really know, we have been sharing gratitude and a lot more via email everyday. Some live here and some other places. Most are coming and it will be so lovely to actually be together and talk. One is a medium and so we’ll have a group reading, we have plans for a brunch and trek to Agape church, a big mega church that has been around quite a while on Sunday morning. It will be fun for sure, but I just get nervous and controlling…a good place to practice behaving differently, yes?
Speaking of comfort zones, I am hesitating about answering a few online dating requests. I just don’t know. I keep thinking I want to meet someone in “real life”, but then when I do attract a guy he’s on kidney dialysis. I know that’s not the end of the world but, hello, I’m a widow! Notwithstanding the very clear and personal knowledge that I have that any one can drop dead at any given moment, I just cannot see going into a relationship with someone who is already sick. A modicum of health to start with must be a criteria, am I right? The other guys? I just don’t know. I have to say that I am so involved in other things that finding the time is hard, and finding the energy to date is really hard. It’s work, it really is. And most of the time a yoga class or a book sound so much better. These are definitely excuses; I own that. Bt I am the queen of the one date and then out, so psyching myself up for more of that is daunting. We’ll see.
My grief work continues to keep me busy, and I am getting very interested in end of life issues too. I guess they go hand in hand.
So that seems like a lot going on, yes?
Good enough excuse for not writing.
I haven’t posted in a month, but life goes on. Maybe pushing publish on this one, innocuous as it is, will free the hold that what? inertia, fear, boredom, nothing to say, inability to speak my truth? has on me. I think I am also to sure what this blog is; I never have been. It’s not a sober blog, not a grief blog, although those are probably the most talked about things. It’s not an “anything blog”, and I’m disturbed by that, wanting to have a clearer voice, not sure if I do, or if it’s even necessary.
Sigh…..guess I am at a crossroads and need to figure out how to move ahead.
Oh, and the poem…how does that fit? There has been a lot of thinking and feeling about aging, about my place in the world. About my life going forward. Thinking about death, thinking about life as it is….there is lot to ponder. Mary Oliver is pondering, beautifully as usual. I hear she is not well “I don’t want eventual, I want soon”. I love that honesty and understand it. Life goes on, there are good things, lovely things, but when there is great loss sometimes the fear disappears, and the longing arrives. It sounds like she is there. I go in and out of it. This poem speaks beautifully of that place of “the dull hangover of waiting”.
I guess there is a lot to write, if I just stop censoring myself, if I get to truth.
I am going to publish this before I chicken out, thanks for indulging me!