I am not someone who enjoys having their plans fucked-up.
Does that surprise you? I’M AN ALCOHOLIC! C’mon!
In my last post I was writing about being in a state of high dudgeon.
Consider me now in a state of…well, truthfully, today? Calm acceptance.
But Wednesday evening and part of yesterday? High Dudgeon , Higher, Highest Dudgeon! OUTRAGE! UNFAIR! WTF! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME? Crying myself to sleep…
but, yeah, I’m over it. Calm acceptance, making peace with what IS, being here now…such good lessons to learn.
I got a call from the owner of the yoga studio that there were not enough people enrolled in the Fall teacher training so they were cancelling it.
I KNOW!!!! DAMMIT!! SO UNFAIR I COULD JUST SCREAM!!!!….wait, pranayama, a little yoga breathing, settle down.
I’m not gonna lie and say that I am not supremely disappointed, I definitely am. But the truth is that the next training is in January, which is only 4 months away and I can do that one. Even though I had mentaLLY PREPARED AND PSYCHED MYSELF…(breathe!)…up for this one, there is another coming soon and I am already signed up.
This is where I get to practice those yogic principles that I am so eager to delve into, to meditate more and to practice more. I think about January and I remember where I was ability wise last November when I started and I see how much more prepared I will be. And, in the same week that this happened I found a new class and teacher that I had never taken before and I’m a little in love with her…so I can learn all I can and then just learn even more when the training starts.
I really am ok with it now, and I really was NOT ok with it for about 24 hours. I didn’t write about it then because it would have been a screed and I don’t do those anymore. But I thought it all, and you know what? That’s ok. Know what else I did? I got the call at 4:30 on wednesday and at 5:30 I was in a yoga class. I cried through a lot of it, but afterwards the teacher, my friend Aimee, sat with me. She was going to assist and it screwed up her plans too. And that helped me remember, as in everything, it’s not only happening to me, that there are others involved in whatever drama I have in my life and that, once again, I am never alone.
I nursed my indignation until my 4 pm yoga class yesterday with Abbie and then I just left it on the mat. That’s where it started and stopped for me, in yoga, in sevasana, in meditation.
I need to regroup around the next few months. I’m not a fan of the holiday season and having a lot of time on my hands (I have way too much as it is), and so I need to make some sort of plan. And I need to remember that attachment to any plan is folly. I can make them, I can see them through often, but I cannot be attached to them because things change. “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans” (thank you John!)
Which is the beauty of and the hideous truth about life, things can change in an instant and what am I left with?
Calm acceptance. The breathe. The practice of yoga and the practice of life. Equanimity and compassion for myself and others, and the sure knowledge that I will be able to find some meaning from this at some point.
Hopefully in how awesome the January training is going to be!