For Fuck Sake

1521904_647149438675926_937684816_nHmmmm

I am looking at this and wondering if that is correct usage.

Should it be  for fuck sake ? Or it it  for fucks sake ?

Whatever….the point.

The point is we are all gonna die. Sad to say, but the truth. The obvious truth that not many of us like to look at, and for obvious reasons. Dead?  Moi ?

Heck yes, dead, you, me, everyone. We’re born, we live we die.

For fuck sake do what makes you happy.

Of course that begs the question, what does make you happy? So often we don’t really know, do we? There is a progression to life that is pretty inexorable. We have a few years of freedom then we’re planted in school and stay there for at least 12 years, certainly longer is advisable, right? Then we work and we marry or partner and have babies or not and then our babies have babies, or not and then we grow old and then we die.

Of course, there is a lot of room for error in that span of time. Childhood cancer, suicide, car accidents, heart attacks, brain tumors…so many thing that can stop the progression and ruin the natural flow. We don’t think of those things though, unless, of course, they happen to us. Or someone we love. Even then, we grieve, we are changed, but are we changed enough? Are we changed enough to really get the “for fuck sake” ? To be willing to be happy, no matter what?

Life IS short! Even if we make it all the way to the end, it’s short. It’s a spec in time, a dot. What we do with the time we have here is actually important, can mean something.  It can mean something to the world, to our immediate circle, to us.  What makes us happy?

That is a question we should be asking ourselves  and acting on daily. Because daily stops, sometimes very abruptly

I am working on learning what makes me happy. Small things and larger, more important things. I also am learning what does not make me happy. This is a concerted effort, although, really? All it takes is taking off my self-pitying little glasses and opening my eyes and my heart. A LOT makes me happy, I just have to notice them, respond and continue to do those things until they are habits that I can allow to be ok.

So, here’s a snippet of my list so far. It’s not very dramatic or exciting to anyone but me, but then I have learned that any kind of happiness is good, but that the smaller, day-to-day happies are often the best.

My friends make me happy. Many of them are struggling right now with there day-to-day. That doesn’t make me happy, but they do. I am lucky with friends, overwhelmed by good fortune and grateful

My volunteer work makes me happy (I know, all about grief.  Whatever! It makes me happy). When I am doing my groups I feel useful, and feeling useful is very important to happiness, at least mine.

I like to write.  I like this blog.  Guess what?  I signed up for a writing workshop. Yes I did. Why not? That makes me almost giddy with happiness and fear at the same time. I am sitting on my big, comfy, perfect couch writing this right now. That is happiness squared.

Some healthy fear, the kind that comes with stepping out of my comfort zone,taking risks, makes me happy. Writing workshop, yoga, meditation, whatever I discover next and am afraid to try.

Yoga makes me happy, and I am all paid up  in yoga classes through July….as many or as few as I want ( I want a lot, it makes me happy, remember?) With yoga I will say that meditation makes me happy, happier. The simple act of sitting, or lying, for a few minutes, breathing, noticing…perspective is changed, and oftentimes all I need is a change of perspective to be happy.

Gratitude makes me happy.  A grateful heart is a happy heart. I belong to an email gratitude list that is part of my daily practice and sitting down and writing my list, and reading all  of the others lists makes me profoundly happy.

Travel makes me happy. I have no idea where I will go or when, but I will travel again soon. Planning travel makes me happy too, so that’s helpful.  This year needs a trip because my birthday in Paris did not become a reality. Instead it was a birthday in transit…moving from my house into my apartment. I am owed a birthday trip, and I have the miles to fund it. I just got a huge shiver of joy from that thought!

Jigsaw puzzles make me happy, and I have a lovely one sitting off to the side of me right now, asking to be opened.

Reading, ah, reading makes me happy. I have been reading a lot lately. I finished one book, started another. I went through all of the piled up magazines I have neglected and got it down to a reasonable and readable pile. The New Yorkers especially call to me.  One has a short story by Alice Munro, another a short memory piece by David Sedaris! So much to read!

I like to watch TV, that makes me happy. I fought TV for so long,  the fact that it was constantly on, and when Tom died I basically boycotted it for years. I am so happy that there is on demand now, because binge watching old series has become a favorite pastime. Sherlock? Luther? Game of Thrones? The Wire? Not to mention movies I missed. Losing myself in some of these worlds has made me happy.

Knitting might make me happy again….jury is still out on that one. Knitting while binge watching TV is good though.

Eating right makes me happy. Learning about food and how it serves my moods has been a wonderful thing. The better I feel the happier I am.

My sobriety makes me happy. SO happy.

Making my bed makes me happy. Seriously. I never used to make my bed because why? I would just get in and mess it up again in a few hours. However, in making it daily as an experiment in order, I have discovered that order makes me happy. It also makes me feel safe. Who knew? Well, I do now, and I am happier for it.

Right along with what does make us happy is what doesn’t. FB does not make me happy and I am extricating myself from it .Candy Crush does not make me happy and I have been Candy Crush free for a couple of weeks now, and do not miss it one iota. Staying up too late (unless I am writing)  doesn’t make me happy. I’ve been going to bed earlier and getting up earlier.

Mornings make me happy. Who knew?

Being alone. Being alone makes me both happy and unhappy. It’s a conundrum that I have not figured out. It’s the fine line between being alone and being lonely, between isolation and healthy self-care. I love my apartment, my freedom here, not answering to anyone. I miss being with someone special though, someone who finds me attractive, who entertains me (maybe I need to stop thinking so selfishly?)  Online dating does not make me happy, so I have stopped that.  Meeting someone by accident doing something that does make me happy would be awesome.  So I’m open.

There was a lovely poem today in a blog I  follow (http://wordsfortheyear.com) and I pulled this snippet:

“You want to cry aloud for your

mistakes. But to tell the truth the world
doesn’t need anymore of that sound.”

Mary Oliver

My word for the year is FREE, and I want to be free and to be happy. I will continue to “cry aloud for my mistakes’, my grief, my sobriety, my angst.  She is right though, the world doesn’t necessarily need that. I need it and it gets put here in this blog.

But I think part of me happier includes more of the good. The question I want to ask myself when I write is one I am learning when I take that sacred  pause before speaking or pushing send on an email…”is it true, is is necessary, is it kind?”. The truth is I started this post late last night and in the light of day, after a good night’s sleep, things look different. I was going to delete parts of it, but then decided not to, not because I felt a need to subject anyone to my darker night, but because I needed to see for myself , to note, how different things can look in a short amount of time.

Yes, the truth is life is short.

The bigger truth is for fuck (or fucks) sake, be happy.

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8 Comments

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  1. I am seriously happy now… xo

  2. Sounds like you’re well on your way to living that sign, regardless of spelling!

  3. I love this list and the point behind it. For fuck sake and for fucks sake sound the same when you say them outloud, which I plan to so as soon as the kids leave the room. 😉

  4. I love the image of you on your couch happily writing.

    I’ve been thinking some about how I spend a lot of time actually making myself unhappy with all the mean brain chatter. So I decided to stop, and wow! It worked. I mean. there aren’t unicorns flying out of my nose or kitten puppy glitter parades- I just feel better. Sometimes happy can be a decision, not just an emotion.

    p.s. have I told you lately that I really like your blog? xoxoxo

    • happy can be a decision….
      no truer words spoken.
      One of my favorite quotes fro the BB is about how we “manufacture our own misery”.
      I am so good at that, it’s so easy and familiar for me, but how about manifesting our own happiness?
      Sounds like we are both working hard on that, and it DOES feel better.
      xo

  5. You make me happy. Period.

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