I’ve written before about my habit of doing a “word of the year”.
It’s a practice I have down the last 3 years in lieu of resolutions, and it has served me well.
A couple of weeks ago I was in a yoga class and my word came to me, so clear, so bright and shiny and sure, and I was so excited. It felt true and right and important and like it would get me through the next year with possibly wonderful results.
However, as time has gone by the word is definitely losing it’s allure. I was trying to figure out exactly why and it is bringing up all the reasons I love my word of the year, and all the things I do not want it to be.
Here’s the word…..FREE.
It’s a really great word, right? And even my first instincts about picking it seemed great…I am so tired of “the bondage of self” which is just a fancy term for the ego, and I just don’t want it anymore. I am sick of my self, my self pity, my self obsession, my unwavering and intense introspection that is really just a way to shut out the world. I hate the way I isolate…FREE would (or could) help all of that. FREE up a place in my life to let others in closer, FREE up a place in my head to think about others more. FREE….freedom from the restrictions I place on myself and the expectations that I have and others have. FREE from judgement and others opinions, FREE to be me.
However, the more I have lived with this word, planned around it and thought about it, the less enamored I have become with it. I’m not saying that I wouldn’t like to be free of those things, but the word doesn’t address the problem, it just recognizes it.
I think there are better ways to address some of the things I want to do in a bigger way, more expansive and with more of a chance of allowing in other things too….letting the word work me as I attempt to work it. FREE is a great word, but I think it’s too small and it’s based in a way I want to be, vs a way I want to BE (you don’t have to understand that, I do!)
I am struggling with a lot of things lately. None of it is new but a different approach is needed. I find I’m not sleeping well (it’s 1;30 am right now), my food is uncomfortable, I spend an inordinate amount of time on the computer and inside my apartment, alone. This time of year is always a problem for me…but what if I lived in a way that next year wasn’t so bad? What would that look like? I have been saying no lately, or doing things despite myself. I am lonely as lonely can be, just so lost in that feeling.
I don’t need to be FREE…I am freer than I like to be. I need to be more engaged with life, less complacent, more active. I need to approach life differently this year. My instinct for picking big words like YES and OPEN have served me well.
I feel a big word coming on. I hear it in my head, calling to me. A word that will push me to regard myself in a different manner than I usually do, and to force me to participate directly in life from a perspective that is not always my first thought.
I’m sitting with it, the thought, the word.
My plan is to have it by the first of the year, but I’m willing to wait for the right word. I now know the power of the word of the year, and I want to get it right.
Anyone else doing this? I’d love to hear your thoughts, or your words, if you have them.