what just happened.
I came upstairs to sit at my desk to do some writing.
I saw my discarded yoga clothes on my bed and decided to put them in my laundry basket. I figured I would gather up all my dirty clothes and do a laundry in the morning. Then I realized it’s a holiday and people are off work. I usually do my laundry during the day on a weekday because I figure others need the night and weekend times. Then I realized the holiday was Thanksgiving and who the hell does laundry on Thanksgiving? So the laundry will probably be free for me to do mine in the morning. (Apparently I do laundry on Thanksgiving, to answer the question).
All the while I am doing this and thinking this through I am having a hilarious text convo with my friend (emoticons people, and name calling…hilarious). Suddenly it hits me that something I hate about living in this apartment is that I can’t do laundry when I want to….like, right now. Naturally I got sad that I lived in an apartment at all, so I decided to go into iTunes and buy some new music because I deserved it for having such a terrible life. When I opened iTunes for some reason it opened into a mix I have that includes Tom singing. Of course, what better thing to do than to turn it on and listen to my dead husband’s voice (otherwise known as manufacturing my own misery, something I am very good at). Mind you I am still having the text convo but it has changed to sad emoticons and my friend attempting to talk me down (maybe that’s a little dramatic, but, whatever). I listened to the 3 songs. I cried. I turned iTunes off and ended the texting with my friend and…here I am.
This whole thing took about 5 minutes in real time, from start to finish.
I’ve had a great day. Up early after a decent nights sleep. Picking up delicious vegan and gluten free desserts for Thanksgiving tomorrow at my dear friends home (going back twice because my order wasn’t ready…but I like the people there and they gave me cards for free goodies, so it’s fine). Attending to an afternoon meeting that is usually not great but really was good today. Checking on a whim for a yoga class and seeing a teacher I really dig was teaching a beginners class and just going (not thinking myself out of it) and now I have a free week of yoga at this studio. Coming home and eating a delicious dinner. Reading more of Writing Down The Bone (can anyone tell she recommends just writing, anything, shit..just doing it?), cruising the internet and then up the stairs to write.
Not this, this was not the planned writing.
But those last 5 minutes were not in the plan either. They just happened. And they are the take-away.
Here’s the thing..5 minutes? I think that I am so damaged, so sad, so crushed by the weight of my loss and yet I blew through that feeling in five minutes flat. It’s not the first time either, frankly it’s been happening a lot lately. That doesn’t mean I don’t get depressed, but that depression is caused by life stuff, things that are happening now. I am perfectly capable of spending time thinking about Tom, missing him terribly, crying, cursing the heavens. Then I move on. I just move ahead and do something else. It’s like a craving…I crave him, but I acknowledge the feeling, breathe through it and don’t get too attached to it and it’s over quickly.
What is going on? Who am I? Am I finally hitting that place of acceptance that has been so elusive for me? All the yoga and meditation, the reading , the practice…it’s working?
Another thing I did today was stress for a few minutes about whether or not to decorate my apartment for xmas. It’s come up a few times in the last week…traditionally I decorate Thanksgiving weekend. Today I stressed..should I? Shouldn’t I? What’s the point it’s only me, I’m all alone, I’m going to die alone………yeah. You get it. That one, looking back, probably took up about 3 minutes. Another craving for something other that what IS, another lesson another breathing exercise. (I don’t know the answer by the way; I’ll think about it on Friday, but I do think that me, just lonely old me, is worth xmas decorations).
I can always find the ways that life sucks, they are always right there in front of me. More and more though I find myself looking for the ways it doesn’t. Paying attention and enjoying the moments I am in without expecting a certain outcome. Shedding the attachment to the pain and the past and staying in today, right now. I’m no expert at at, but god, I see it. I see how it can be so good and , conversely, so awful, but it is what IS, now, right now. And by not attaching the bad passes and the good, well it passes too but I am more aware when I am in it. The best is the contentment. The being here now, the ok-ness of that. Here I am typing away. Nothing I’d rather be doing, nowhere else I’d rather be.
In the moment, in this moment, and this, and then this…..all is well, I am ok.
Now I will go downstairs for water, then crawl into bed with my book.
That sounds delicious. That feels like happy, like peace.