Little Me

photo

 

I know! Adorable, right?

How old could I have been…maybe 4?

So cute, precious, special. So open to life and the world and possibilities…so innocent, really.

I am trying to get back there, to that pace of innocence. That place where every day was special, a new adventure. Where I lived freely in the moment….where I accepted the way life was and didn’t yet want to change it or wish that it could be different.

Because, of course, that innocence faded fast, with rapid introduction of siblings, with parents who drank and fought. I withdrew more and more as I got older, self-preservation for sure. I remember very little from my childhood, actually..bits and snatches, certain key moments. I do remember always making a little place for myself in the closet of whatever room I was sharing with my sister…MY space. I was protective of it and spent way too much time there. I’d read, listen to music, plot out my life, what it might look like. My isolationist tendencies started very early, just to escape the chaos. They stayed with me though, throughout my life. I was profoundly uncomfortable if I had people over when I started living on my own. I think that’s where I first had the brilliant idea of front-loading..took some of the social anxiety away. I wasn’t a daily drinker, but I would drink a lot when people came over, for parties or to visit. It was ok to drink with others. I drank a lot when I went out too…again, socially acceptable but also a mask I wore. Isolating even in the midst of a crowd, false fronts.

Where did that little me go?

I look at that picture now and know she is still with me, coming closer and close to the surface. She is that person who is open to new things, new experiences. She’s not jaded and through with life because of fear and setbacks. She understands that there is work to be done, but it must be done with love, gently. Without recrimination, guilt or shame. With acceptance of all that has transpired and the assurance that, deep inside, little me is thriving on every positive step I take, every move I make away from isolation, secrets and lies. I picture her as radiant.huge smiles when I do something good, whether it is service towards others or the recognition that I deserve to be of service to myself too. That little girl took me to a meeting tonite and then laughed uproariously at a sitcom afterwards. She played Candy Crush and ate some ice cream. She came with me as I wandered the mall for a bit today, not buying, just wandering. Out among people, smiling, being kind. She let me know it was ok to get Chipotle even when  I was feeling guilty about not cooking. She is my friend; she doesn’t judge, and she is with me all the time.

I need to listen to her more, accept and thank her more, that little me. That place of grace and innocence and faith in life that is there, and getting stronger every day. She is a special little girl.

 

Me too. I am a special little girl

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6 Comments

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  1. And she has something she may not have had before – someone to nurture and value her. I isolated from an early age too and sometimes wonder if I was ever care free. It’s never too late to pay attention to the little girl inside us. Lovely post!

  2. Great post, lovely picture! Take care of that little girl! She needs you as much as you need her. I lost the innocence early on too, and grew up too fast, missed out on bunch of childhood normalities. But you can again have that openness! Because sober we can see life as new and exciting again and in a whole new light! Hugs!

  3. I can’t even tell you how frickin’ fantastic this post is. I am touched. Deeply moved by this coming back to one’s self, to this returning to the garden that we try and do in our new lives. The gentleness and love seeps off the screen here, and I cry out to that little girl in you to come out more, to be even more present, to show us the gifts from within. But in the time I have known you, I see so much of her shining through you and your words. We all have that care-free child, and I think we certainly did put a shell over them, and tried to protect them, yet crushed them in our own selfish and defence-laden ways.

    I think the more I listen to that voice, the closer I get to the Creator.

    Thank you for sharing this beautiful post with us all. I am a better person for it, and will make an even great conscious effort to tap into that little spirit soul.

    Blessings,
    Paul

  4. Exactly. Little me loves little you. So much.

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