There is a boy that is the love of my life.
There is a boy that is now a man that will always be the love of my life
I am seriously trying to wrap my mind around the fact that there was this little baby, then boy, then teen now man…who turns 21 years old tomorrow. My son. How did that happen? I was just changing his diapers, reveling in his ability to communicate, pushing him on the swings at the park, dropping him off at school, having big pool parties for him and feeding his friends.
I was also just holding him, tight, in my arms as he screamed when his dad died, trying to get him to understand that the other kids would never understand it and to not push all of his friends out of his life, urging him to get help and living some pretty rough years with a very sad boy and a very sad mom. Hard shit.
It has been a long road, full of astonishing, unexpected joys and incredible pain.
We were so blessed to even have him in our lives. The best day of our life started with a call announcing his birth and a quick trip to a different state to meet our son, our boy. The utter helplessness of infertility and loss completely displaced by the miracle that his birth was, that WE got the call, that the child we held so much hope for in our hearts appeared in our lives. It wasn’t magic…there was a lot of pain too. Birth parents who just could not be parents (but who, I swear, we are friends with on FB and have always been in our lives).
God, we were so lucky, I AM so lucky.
It hasn’t been easy but it has been beautiful, every moment. Even the shit, the absolute worst parts, the fear and the lies and the pain….I would not trade one second.
Now he is out on his own, making his way and doing a damn fine job. Not easy, but nothing has ever been easy with him. He may be one of the most fascinating people I have ever met, and I mean that in both a good and bad way. He is amazingly smart and talented and yet his own worst enemy. He is funny and personable and can wrap anyone around his little finger and yet has so few friends.
But he’s got me. He will always have me. That kid is my boy, my man, my 21 year old.
When he was a teen, after his father died, we had a joke that when he turned 21 we would go to Vegas and get tattoos. Today I am grateful I don’t have to take him to Vegas, but I am taking him to get another tattoo (he has several, whether I get another one is still up in the air!) and dinner tomorrow night. We will go to our favorite mexican joint where , at the end of the meal, they will place a crazy big sombrero on his head and sing happy birthday. I’ll take a picture and use it as my FB icon for a while, just as I use the same pic of Tom when it comes time for his birthday every year.
I’ll buy him a drink too…unlike me he can handle that.
I am proud of him, of the man he is becoming. I have every hope for and faith in him, in his journey. One of my favorite sayings right now is “god has no grandchildren”….that speaks to me of his journey and mine. They are separate, but we are on the same path and always will be, connected by love.