Who Feels This?

I am sitting here in my apartment, almost midnight.

Sobbing.

Who feels this?

I’m sitting on my new couch in a new place, in a new life, sobbing.

Who feels this?

I am sitting in my apartment in Studio City. Alone. My son is on his own. My husband is dead.I was in a apartment in Studio City, living alone 30 years ago.

What happened? Who feels like this?

Did the last 30 years happen? was it a dream? Why am I right back where i started? What the fuck happened? Did I even have a son, a husband, a house, a fucking dog?

Who feel like this?

It’s very dangerous for a person who calls themselves an alcoholic to start thinking they are unique, that there is something different about them, about their situation, “if you knew how I felt you’d drink too”. We look for the similarities, the ways we are like others.

Who else is in some crazy fugue state, not knowing whether they lived their life, not knowing if any of it was true, not knowing if they are completely insane right now, this moment. I feel schizophrenic, I feel crazy and damaged and just gobsmacked by life right now. I’m sitting here after a day of feeling so good and positive about putting my apartment together, how nice it looks and the fact seems to be that it is a tiny little apartment in Studio City and I had a big life in a home in Northridge and a husband and a kid and a dog.  I did I know I did.

Who feels this way,what happened?

I can’t, I just can’t…….

I do what I do. I write, I pray, I would call but it’s very late, I ask for relief, I eat some ice cream, I escape into TV, I try and understand it but in this moment it seems a mystery to me, baffling . I don’t drink, I know that won’t help. But I want to, I do. It used to help, it used to make the insanity subside for a bit, quite my mind.

Who feels this? I have never felt it before, I don’t know how to respond, where to put the feelings, except here .

It’s frightening. I don’t understand it. I keep telling myself it’s crazy but it feels so real and yet not real at the same time. Intellectually I understand I lived that life..but were is it? Where is Tom? Where is my home, whose apartment is this? where is the kid, where is Sally.

I am unmoored.

The novelty has worn off, it’s time to get back to my real life.

THIS is my real life.

Who feels this?

What the fuck happened/

Tell me I’m not unique, an exception, please.  I don’t want that information to take me out.

I had the thought the other night, very clearly, calmly…it is inevitable that I will  drink again. It scared the shit out of me.

It was over the same stuff, the same feeling of disconnect with my life as it IS.

It’s a process. I’m in it. I trust it will get better.

Right now, does anyone feel like this? is it really just me?

I was told I would never be alone again and I am feeling more alone than I ever have in my entire life.

I can’t stop crying.

Who feels this. This?

And you may ask yourself
What is that beautiful house?
And you may ask yourself
Where does that highway go?
And you may ask yourself
Am I right?…Am I wrong?
And you may tell yourself
MY GOD!…WHAT HAVE I DONE?

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14 Comments

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  1. I don’t know why we can’t get through a huge change and just be done with it. I feel very little power over my emotions, much more so in sobriety. Probably why i drank, but knowing this helps in some tiny way. I know there are tools that help ( you said em all) but I also know there are times they don’t seem to work, not then anyway, and I feel unhinged. Unmoored, what a great description. Loneliness has got to be the hardest feeling of all, but you’re definitely not alone or unique in your feelings. I hope today feels much better for you.

    • Thank you…..and yes, I feel better today. Getting it out helped. And the responses I have gotten here help too. definitely not unique! I always think about that great AA, or anywhere tool…HALT..hungry, angry, lonely and tired. I have been treating that too, but the lonely is had to treat.
      Anyway, I appreciate the support. I’m glad I pushed send

  2. Oh. I hear you. It sucks to feel like that. But you are doing it just right. This is a big ass change, mama. You are supposed to feel big ass things. Gah! I hate when life gets so huge and it feels like it might just plow me right over. But to me, you are doing just what you need to do: crying. Feeling. Putting it out there so people can give you care, and support. Asking for help. A next chapter of life can be soooo overwhelming: there’s so much of it out there and you don’t know any of it! I would feel like this too. But you are OK. I am caring for you right now. 🙂 Sending out comfort vibes to the universe to deliver to you.

    One of my favorite quotes when I feel fucking worn out and bowled over:

    “Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers
    but to be fearless in facing them.
    Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain
    but for the heart to conquer it.
    Let me not crave in anxious fear to be saved
    but hope for the patience to win my freedom.”

    -Rabindranath Tagore

    xoxoxo
    Amy

  3. p.s. plus, drinking would just drown it all and make it come back later. so you may as well just get through the sucky. but you know that. 🙂

  4. Oh man! Been there! Those damn feelings. I think for me they were so overwhelming because that’s really how I felt for years but I have been just masking them with alcohol, but when I stopped drinking I was really naked sort of speak. There they all were, just flowing out like if the flood gate was just opened! It is a process for sure, and I am still finding new feelings that I’ve been hiding deep down. Change is hard because there is so much unknown. But you are doing the positive change, and you are writing about it and getting thru and you will! Feelings aren’t always facts, they carry so much with them though and seem sooo real at times! But they are not, we are just not used to them, shoot I couldn’t even name them! Hang in, this will pass and it will get better you will feel happy again! Keep sober! Hugs.

    • Staying sober is the only, best thing I can do, and I know that. That overwhelm though, man it sucks!!
      I love the reminder that feelings aren’t facts…they aren’t, and that is comforting too.
      I appreciate your words, and i am much better today.

  5. I feel this.

    And I fucking hate when I feel it. Dissassociative. (?). Unconnected. Untethered. Unhinged. Unmoored. Fucking crazy. Alone. Lonely. It can hit at any time.

    I cling and claw and recite that Stephen Frye letter… “It will be sunny one day.” This too shall pass. Anon anon.

    I felt so unglued after I wrote that Grace piece, like a tidal wave, or better, a tsunami, was in control of my body and thoughts. I spent days crying in the bathroom, curled up in the bed, shaking in the car, hyperventilating on runs, sitting counting flowers on the wall.

    I think after stressful events when we try to hold it all together, BAM!, it hits us like Mike Tyson in our guts and all we can do is double over and wait for the pain to pass.

    What helps? Time. Writing. Crying. Sleep. Cookies. Loud music. Dancing. Stupid computer or phone games. Getting out of the house even to a diner or movie theater. Calling or texting someone.

    It’s never to late to call someone. When you DON’T want to call is the time that you most NEED to call. Even if it’s a hotline or something (numbers on my contact page). Or google chat with someone in Europe or Australia or a Texas insomniac.

    We are at that vulnerable 3 yr +/- mark. But it is not inevitable that we will drink. Drinking is no longer an option. Never.

    How are you today? Please check in. Even if it’s a concise, “I’m ok.”

    You are loved, c

    • drinking is no longer an option…simple words and so true.
      It just isn’t.
      Any emotional shitstorm I can work myself into couldn’t possibly compare to what wonders a drink could add to it! Be crazy!

      I appreciate the support, I am better. Went to my 11th step yoga tonite and really felt supported and held by the universe.
      So grateful for the reminders that I am not unique….I hate when I go to that place. I hate feeling like this too, but best be feeling it than numbing it.
      Grateful I know that one option is so much better than the other.

      “letting the days go by..”

  6. I had a fight with my husband the other day and convinced myself that he was a total stranger to me. I had no idea who that man was and for a short time I understood how relationships fall apart. As soon as he apologized I felt like I got my life back. It scared me that a silly fight could unhinge me like that. We wrap our identies around people and things and when those things change, we’re lost. I feel you. You’re not unique (in this case at least). 😉

    • thank you karen….
      i so appreciate the support, and yes, I had my identity so wrapped into my old life…it has been a struggle and slow process to get out from under it, that is when I WANT to get out from under it.
      But I have no choice, never had. And I am mostly good, but this move has brought it all front and center again….I will get thru it. It will be ok.

  7. This too shall pass, my sweet cocoon. Although the circumstances are different, I’ve definitely felt like I’ve lived circular paths. Like my life was supposed to go from A-B-C, but I’ve found myself struggling some of the same struggles I did in my teens. At least I don’t have to go back to drinking. And neither do you. And who knows what tomorrow may bring…

    • love you cocoon…

      yes, the circle, the fucking dog chasing his tail, but in a huge, life force way.
      I had said before that while everyone was so excited for me that I kept thinking, somehow, that there was something wrong, backwards going on. I can be very negative, so i fought and fought it, until it slapped me in the face yesterday and there was no fighting left.
      When I took my southwest trip last September the piece of art I brought back had a circle front and center. I bought that for my new place, because back then, almost a year ago, the absolute inevitability of this move became apparent.
      Maybe this is a circle I needed to complete? I don’t know…..
      It hurts.
      But it is good to feel it and not numb it.
      At least for today.

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