I’m still sitting with the concept of being free.
Last night in my 11th step yoga class Abby was talking about how it didn’t matter what we identified as: alcoholic, drug addict, sex addict…whoever we were we were welcome in the room. At the end of the practice we have a little meeting and as we went around the room saying our names and identifying it occurred to me to say what I felt in the moment…”I am Michele and I am free”.
That freedom stands for a lot. The obvious freedom when one is at a 12 step meeting is the freedom, at least for the minute, of whatever your drug of choice is. In 11th step yoga there is also the freedom that comes with attempting meditation, yoga and a connection with a higher power, consciousness, self…whatever you want to call it. While I was on the mat a whole other sense of freedom occurred to me. At one point I had a feeling of hanging in mid-air, half in, half out of my body. It was fleeting and I was quickly brought back from it, but in shevasana I thought about it again. I really felt the changes that had been happening in my life in a different way. In that time of deep relaxation, of letting go, it came clear to me all that I had let go of. And it also came clear to me that I was in a sort of limbo…out of the house but not yet in my new place. Everything in storage. A suitcase at my dear friend’s home. Mail on vacation hold at the post office and then forwarded to my new address. The beginning of a new year of my life as I let go of all the old. I was really free…..free of so much baggage and old stuff but not yet moved into my next life, if that makes sense. Once again, at the jumping off place where the old doesn’t work anymore and I have no idea about what the new will bring.
I have a medallion on my key chain that clearly speaks to me of this point in my life, and of the times I have been at like crossroads. When I have had no choice but to move ahead, even with every fiber of my being screaming to stop, to end it, to stay stuck….whatever. The fear and negativity is always so loud in me. But when I do it anyway, whatever it is, the rewards are amazing. This medallion says basically the same thing that I found on a sheet of yellow paper in the office right after Tom died, in his handwriting. That paper is framed and In a box now, but will soon have a new home, as will I. The words are words of faith, and of hope. They speak to me of choosing freedom, choosing to jump and trust that I will be held, supported and kept safe. I do that now, I choose freedom, I choose wings.