Well, phase one of the move is done. I am out of the house and happily ensconced in a dear friends home awaiting a move-in date for my new apartment.
Life is so interesting. I’ve written about all the synchronicity of this move, how everything timed out perfectly and flowed smoothly, how everything about this move seemed so right and guided. All of that is true, but I didn’t get there, to the believing that it was all good very easily. Each step seemed fraught with peril and indecision, full of fear, always my first reaction. But each step was also taken in and accepted, and once accepted became a non-issue, or even better things came from it.
One aspect of the move that I really haven’t talked about in terms of timing is the fact that today, my first day out of my house, is my birthday. Yeah, I know, right? All of the ways that everything has worked out so perfectly time wise AND aligning with the beginning of my new walk around the sun. When I first realized that, my reaction was frenzied, fearful, true to form. How could I have to leave on my birthday? That was too much! Too awful, what a trick of fate! I even asked my realtor if she though they’d let me stay through the weekend, so a hard thing wouldn’t be made harder. But within hours, after I calmed down, I called her back and just accepted the fact that this was the way it was going to be. It took longer to see how symbolic and wonderful the timing is, but I could not have seen that drenched in fear like I was. I had to just stop and accept the situation before I could see any good in it. That is really the way I live my life now….my first response is still usually knee-jerk negativity, but I know to talk to someone, or to think about it for a bit, to accept it and then, later, I will be shown why it happened in that way.
Last night when I left the house I was exhausted, absolutely exhausted. Weeks of exhaustion had led up to yesterday, of course. I was run ragged by the movers, and while they moved I had to pack my things to bring to my friends. I also had to keep finding ways to fit more crap in the dumpster out front, and sweep out the rooms as they were emptied and document the move in pictures. Every bone in my body ached and then, when they left (about 8:30) I had to finish cleaning up, finish packing the car with a few stray items they forgot and face the fact that I had to lug everything into another place. There were two great things though. One was that, even though at the beginning I bemoaned the fact that I wasn’t moving straight to a new place, OMG am I grateful that this is playing out with an interim, respite living arrangement for me. I can get my bearings and be ready and rested for phase two….unpacking! The other saving grace was that for my birthday my BFF made a reservation for massages and dinner. I originally pooh-poohed the idea; actually the whole idea of doing anything on my birthday at all, but she was insistent, thank god! It was awesome…last night I went to bed in so much physical pain and tonite I feel great. Jacuzzi, sauna and hot rock massage relaxed and well fed. A great day, and two more perfect examples of how well this is all playing out despite my original thinking.
Here’s another….it was a hard day. The leading up to it was hard and emotional. Yesterday while the movers were there I had to hide a lot, re-group, even tried to meditate at one point (hah!). I have been anticipating this date with such dread and longing and sadness for so long that all of that was playing out as the day wore on. At one point I was sure I was going to leave and have a martini. ( Just one of course.) After they left I wandered through the house, cleaning and still dumping stuff, back and forth to the dumpster and my car and then I had one more plan. I had some ashes to scatter. By the time I got to the BIG FINISH (in my emotional head), I was so tired that I wasn’t emotional about it at all. Scattering some of Tom seemed, I don’t know, redundant? He was there, but he wasn’t any longer, hadn’t been for years. I still did it, but half-heartedly and then I realized that wasn’t the big finish! That was going to be actually locking the door and driving away, right? So I finished scattering, walked through the house one more time, turned off all the lights and walked out the door (here it comes….). Got into my car (uh-oh), backed out of the garage and pulled onto the street, planning to stop and look at the house one last time (oh yeah, messy time!) and….and….I just drove away.
The feeling of freedom and relief was almost overwhelming. I drove away with no thought of turning back, no need or wont to. I was done, done. THAT was the big finish, the final reveal. The sense of peace and rightness, of finally! was such a rush! Who knew? Not me, that’s for sure. I had planned an emotional breakdown and got a spiritual breakthrough instead.
There’s more to write, always, but this process is losing steam for me. Its done, well, almost. But I am definitely done with the house and so grateful to be. I am going to sleep tonite a free woman, a year older, loved and cared for by my sweetest friends and ready to move ahead (after a short respite!) into a whole new adventure.
And now for the REALLY big finish….