I am so tired, so through with this moving business, and yet I have so much left to do.
I am giving things away like crazy..take it, yes, that too…sure, I don’t care, get it out, get it away….
I have Salvation Army coming for a large pickup on Wednesday. I’m not a fan of some of their politics and policies, but they will come into my house and carry shit out. I am a huge fan of that policy, and all else disappears in that fact.
Frankly, I want to rent another dumpster and methodically throw every last thing away, EVERY last thing! I crave the sound of breaking glass; it makes me feel powerful and free. Even the things I love and want to bring with me, there are many moments when I just want to open the doors to this house and scream…..TAKE IT, TAKE IT ALL! NONE OF THIS MATTERS!
I want to walk away, leave it all, let it all go.
None of it does matter, nothing.
The anger is palpable, omnipresent, overwhelming. The anger masks the grief today, the loss. I feel it coming, the wave…out a ways but looming. I know I cannot run from it, nor would I want to. I know that I have to ride this out, all the feelings. I am tired, bone tired on every level.
I still have 12 days left in this house. I still have to clean it out, pack it up and get it moved. There is not time for falling apart, for dwelling on things. All the things gotta go.
The dumpster gotta come. The glass gotta break.
The only thing I want to take from here is me, intact. Me not broken. But it’s too late for that. So I will pack things that mean nothing and move them into a new life that I have absolutely no idea about or vision for. I do want to see how it plays out, I am very curious. But today I am not very hopeful, today I worry that I am too broken.
Tomorrow? Who knows.
Monday though…I am calling for a dumpster.