Break All The Everything!

GOD!

I am so tired, so through with this moving business, and yet I have so much left to do.

I am giving things away like crazy..take it, yes, that too…sure, I don’t care, get it out, get it away….

I have Salvation Army coming for a large pickup on Wednesday. I’m not a fan of some of their politics and policies, but they will come into my house and carry shit out. I am a huge fan of that policy, and all else disappears in that fact.

Frankly, I want to rent another dumpster and  methodically throw every last thing away, EVERY last thing! I crave the sound of breaking glass; it makes me feel powerful and free.   Even the things I love and want to bring with me, there are many moments when I just want to open the doors to this house and scream…..TAKE IT, TAKE IT ALL! NONE OF THIS MATTERS!

I want to walk away, leave it all, let it all go.

None of it does matter, nothing.

The anger is palpable, omnipresent, overwhelming. The anger masks the grief today, the loss. I feel it coming, the wave…out a ways but looming. I know I cannot run from it, nor would I want to. I know that I have to ride this out, all the feelings.  I am tired, bone tired on every level.

I still have 12 days left in this house. I still have to clean it out, pack it up and get it moved. There is not time for falling apart, for dwelling on things. All the things gotta go.

The dumpster gotta come. The glass gotta break.

The only thing I want to take from here is me, intact. Me not broken. But it’s too late for that. So I will pack things that mean nothing and move them into a new life that I have absolutely no idea about or vision for. I do want to see how it plays out, I am very curious. But today I am not very hopeful, today I worry that I am too broken.

Tomorrow? Who knows.

Monday though…I am calling for a dumpster.

 

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11 Comments

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  1. Gah.
    Hope you manage to get out of there for a bit and go do something fun for yourself, even if it’s just getting an ice cream cone or sitting in the park.

    So, what would happen if you just abandoned the stuff in the house?

    • hah! I wish it worked that way, but it’s a fantasy.
      Tomorrow night I have yoga that I WILL BE AT! So easy for me to not do things because I am so damn busy….

      arghhhhhhhh!!

  2. Just make sure you don’t climb into it.
    🙂

  3. I could, that could be my new home, a cozy little dumpster!
    I’m liking this idea….YOU planted it!

  4. Take care. I recently had to sort through my grandmother’s house. The house was FULL of stuff and FULL of ghosts. It broke my heart everyday until a friend came to my rescue with a loading trailer (my dumpster) and a willingness to haul either to the dump or to the thrift store. It was hellish in the moment but so liberating at the end. I am a huge fan of dumpsters and the cathartic sound of broken glass.

  5. I agree with Maya Jane…perhaps getting some help would, well, help. After our son died, a friend came over and helped me clean out his room. None of the rest of the family could handle doing it with me. I don’t know what I would have done without her. She helped me make it through; she held me when I broke down crying. Best of luck to you.

    I helped my mom go through my dad’s stuff after he died. He was sort of a hoarder. It took us nearly a month working 12 hour days to get rid of the junk and get the rest ready for a garage sale. Best of luck to you!

    • Hi Rebecca…..

      i have definitely had help, so much! I am very lucky.
      The hard stuff is packed and sorted and tossed, but the hard part of leaving can’t be taken care of so easily, and that’s where I am right now. Nothing but time and distance will work for that…..but it’s coming and I’m ready as i ever will be!

  6. Break ALL the everything and yell a loud OPA for me!

    (Kill ALL the feelings reference? Your gravatar says yes, so I think so.)

    Yoga…. Open…. Sounds nice to me. As does S Army coming to get all the things. I’m a fan of that too.

    Keep hanging. Sending strength and hugs. – c

  7. We are never broken. Never.

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