The least I can do

I haven’t fixed the time date stamp yet, but it’s 11:38 on Monday night July 22

I am feeling very oppositional today. I have been powering through but tonite when I got home from leading my grief group I ate sweet potato chips. Not home-made Wole30; Terra chips. Out of a bag.

I am not surprised because I bought them today at Whole Foods. I mean, I bought them, which signals I will eat them. I guess I could have waited until the 1st,  but I didn’t and I knew I was going to do it. Rebellion, get me a black leather jacket.

You know, it’s a small rebellion. But, like all rebellions, there is something behind it. Some reasoning that entails a jumping off the wagon…gratefully just the Whole30 wagon. I have been feeling like quitting for a week or so, just feeling like I learned so much last time, I never really changed my eating much, and I’ve learned what I need to know. I want to eat this way for the rest of my life, with my slight additions (rice cake, occasional oatmeal, occasional chips). I’d love to stay off the sugar, and am glad that isn’t what called to me today. It’s interesting that what called to me was really not that far off the grid..and I am sure that was also deliberate. Just bad enough to be wrong, but not enough to sabotage myself.

I don’t feel sabotaged because I plan on finishing the Whole30, with this slip. I plan on not slipping again.

But the last few days have been kicking my ass, and I didn’t plan for that. Wanting to drink, lots of crying, anger, fear and over-whelm about the move. So maybe the chips were a physical way of taking back some control. I don’t know.

I do know I don’t feel badly about it, or at least not very. It is what it is.  I kinda don’t care. I didn’t drink and that is my only absolute.

I also know that I have to get a better handle on the things I am doing, or not doing for my move. I have packing to do, yes, but there are a million phone calls to be made to disconnect, and, because there will be a time lag before I move into my new place, another million calls to re-connect.  I need to get my finances in order. I need to get an appraiser out here. I am also being bombarded by the buyer with requests to come over and measure, this, get an estimate on that…it seems almost abusive to me. I keep saying yes and today I just said NO. That was hard for me. I have movers coming on August 8, though I  really have the house until the 9th. I told him I would be out the 8th and he immediately hired a roofer to start work on the 9th. AND he hired a guy to put up a pool fence on the 8th, because I “was moving that day anyway”. I went along with that but today called my realtor and told her to tell him no. I will be leaving a day earlier. The 8th will be my last day in the house. It will be on my terms. I have no idea what will happen that day, which feels scary and uncontrollable, but owning the day, and taking it as mine feels like control, at least a little bit. And it feels right. I also said no more coming in, bringing workmen to estimate. I just can’t, and , quite frankly, I don’t have to. This is MY house for now, and I intend to take these last 2 weeks and be here, take care of what I need to do and not have to be intruded upon by the buyer, or anyone I don’t want here for that matter.

Saying all of that makes me anxious, it’s hard for me to play what I perceive as a bad guy. The thing is, that isn’t what I am doing. This is my house until I lock the door on the emptiness on the 8th. The they can take over, do what they want, it’s over for me.

These feelings aided me in buying the chips this afternoon, and coming home from my group a little hungry and worn out on top of all of this helped me open the bag. Like I said, I am not sorry….but I don’t like using food, just as I don’t like using alcohol. So it doesn’t feel awful but it doesn’t feel good and it is what it is.

Writing all of this helps me make sense of it…isn’t that what blogging is for sometimes? I can see it all clearer now and see what I have to do.  I made a list for tomorrow that I plan on sticking too, getting things done, taken care of.

Today I took care of a big thing, the buyer and his usurping of my house, not his yet. I plan on sticking to that decision, as well as the Whole 30 until the 1st. Plans can be tricky and trip us up, I know that. I’m going to do my best though. I’m going to do my best to calmly live the principal of progress not perfection. And forgive myself if I slip up. That’s another level of acceptance, really..or maybe just an excuse. I don’t know. It’s late, I am tired, and I wrote my blog for the day.

At least there is that.

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2 Comments

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  1. I get it. I totally understand how you feel about the food part of it. I’m using food for comfort a lot. I don’t like it, and until I find a better way I’ll just be eating sesame sticks in bed even though I’m full. Or maybe taking deep breaths and eating sesame sticks every other day. Whole 30 is hard, I made it to 27 days and said enough! I have started eating everything again (my beloved beans and rice!) because….well, I just wanted to. 🙂

    That being said, I don’t want to be the person that says either “quit! you are enough!” OR “stick it out! don’t give up!” You can decide that part.

    Hold on to your hat. Be kind and gentle to yourself, these next weeks are going to be big. And don’t feel bad about standing up for yourself. You are important too. How DARE that new owner invade before the keys are his. FUCK THAT. That doesn’t make you the bad guy, that makes you the reasonable human being packing up a lifetime.

    Lots of deep breaths. And saying “May I be at peace”.

    xoxoxoxo

    • Thanks Amy….
      I keep wanting to be as excited for this change as all the people I love are for me, and I get there, sometimes, but, I don’t know…at what cost? This process has to play out in real-time and honestly.
      Your reply really helped me today

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