I have been talking a lot about my move here. I really have to, it is HUGE for me and this is my blog, right?
This has a little to do with my move and a lot to do with those rabbit-holes I find myself going down. When I refer to those, I am talking about the pictures, the mementoes, the memories that are mine and the memories that are Tom’s that have nothing to do with me but that I have such a hard time getting rid of. The memories of my son and me and as a mom and what do I do with those things, those THINGS being the operative word.
I found a slew of mugs, for example, all emblazoned with “World’s Best Mom” and a picture of my son at different stages of his life. I do not need all of those mugs, it’s crazy. So I took a picture of them and will keep my 2 favorites, with at least one re-purposed as my new pen/pencil holder. I am taking pictures of a lot of things as I throw them, because sometimes a picture is worth a thousand words, or a huge space in my limited storage. And I don’t need this stuff, I need the memories. The physical reminder of the memories is hard to let go of, but the memories live in me….it’s just hard to keep that in mind as I throw this stuff away, or donate it, or give it to friends.
It’s the grief, plain and simple, back and revisiting in a new and newly insidious way. I am letting go of the past, and I see how tight that past has me in it’s grip., still…letting go, leaning into the sword is a painful process. I’ve said it before, though, if I just feel it, allow it, I’m ok, I really am. The sadness is hard, the letting go, but it will not kill me and I keep focused on the new place, the new things that are coming into my life and that also helps immeasurably.
BUT, and I have to acknowledge this too…..sometimes those rabbit holes bring me such joy, such great memories that there is no sword to lean into, all there is is a big comfy pillow! I love those moments, and I wanted to share one that happened last night.
I was on my sober FB support group and one of the women had posted pictures from her trip to Italy (completely sober, BTW…since I drank my way through Italy and came back with a wine a day habit I give her great props!). She had a beautiful picture of the Coliseum and it brought back such a great memory for me.
Tom and I took a trip to Italy in April of 1992, an incredible 3 week tour of Rome and all of northern Italy. Well, not a tour, we had a car and went where we wanted. It was glorious and I have a lot of pictures of the trip and so many memories, still.
Anyway, the day we went to the Coliseum Tom decided, as he was wont to do, that this would be a perfect opportunity for a comedy bit. That’s what he did; that’s who he was. I was his eager co-hort and straight-person, and so I was this day in Italy. He made a sign in the hotel room and off we went. I am including the picture in this post, though it is hard to see what the sign says.
Anyway, when we got there Tom posed, sign in hand, in front of one of the world’s greatest antiquities, the site of many a gladiator fight, lions-eating-christians-melee, chariot race and many other ancient spectator sports.
I know it’s a fuzzy picture, but the sign says “WE NEED TWO”.