Taking it easy…

You know, life does not usually go as planned, right? I mean, you get that?

I kind of do but am always taken aback when I expect something to happen and it doesn’t, but then I am also taken aback when I expect something to happen and it does. Expectations…lots of pithy sayings about them, but bottom line is they really can suck.

My philosophy of life is very much summed up by my friend’s comment to me the other day . She asked my why I think everything has to be hard. She was referring to how fast I found the apartment that I want, but I do see that this is a theme in my life. I remember my parents frustration with me and how I always had to learn my lessons “the hard way”. When you hear that a lot that is what you become, how you operate, and it certainly has been me. In my youth I barreled through everything, listening to no one, sure I was right and I often was. I had a very strange life where things just seemed to happen to me….I fell into situations and made them work. The truth is though that I was always so afraid, of everything. I stayed in situations I fell in too because they were known and safe. They may be hard, they may be complicated, but that felt normal to me.

That sounds a little like I’m talking about polar opposites…..not really though. I was willing to throw myself out there into whatever was going to happen, but once it did I got scared and stayed out of fear and complacency. I wonder if that is clearer?

But it was always hard, angst filled and dramatic. A certain amount of hard had to be there or it was no good.

Today I had an appointment at the escrow office to sign papers. 11:30 with Rosalie. Who was not there nor did she tell anyone I was coming. I was so pissed…of course! How fitting! Doesn’t she know how important my time is? Doesn’t she want this paperwork filled out properly? I was really pissed off, until her assistant and another woman, the notary, sat with me (convincing me to stay rather than walk out. (In a HUFF!). It took me maybe 2 minutes to apologize and to ‘fess up to the real reason I wanted to do the work in the office….fear. The pure fear that I would screw it all up left to my own devices. that I didn’t completely understand some things and that I’d sign something I shouldn’t. After all I have never sold a house before.

I have never sold a house before.

Why is it so awful that I should have some fear around this process? Just as I have to make everything hard, I also have to pretend to be brave and know what I am doing and that is just as unreasonable. I am doing something, something BIG, that I have never done before. I sold a house. I rented a new apartment (well, I’ve done that before but it has been years!) I watched my son move out. I quit drinking.  I watched my husband die.

Only the last one was true hard. Only the last one was real fear. Dramatic and angst-ridden enough for me for the rest of my life.

The work is done, the path is clear. I am not barreling through this process, I am walking through, upright. A little scared, a lot hopeful. When I acknowledge what I am feeling in any given moment I give it’s power over me away and I proceed calmly, centered, knowing that this process has not been hard for a very good reason.

It is the right path for me, right now, at this point in my life.

If I just trust that, go with that flow and just expect the process to be what it IS, I’m doing great.


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