I made a commitment to write a blog a day while I was doing my Whole30.
I also participate in 2 on-line gratitude lists.
Not sure what I was thinking!
Actually, I know what I was thinking and I’m glad I made the commitment, but with all I have to do now, well…I guess we’ll see what comes out, and if I can keep this commitment.
Here’s what I want to write about today:
I was out all day looking for place to live. I have been doing it since the house sold, scouring Craig’s List and Westside Rentals, looking at things I could, driving by a zillion places to see what they looked like from the outside. Truth is it has been pretty depressing and scary. Lots of money for crappy places, trade-offs I wasn’t happy with, apartments that look wonderful in pictures and like hell in person.
But today, on the first day I could really look with purpose, I saw a place that I love. I really do. It’s not perfect but I can tick off a lot of my “must-haves” and there were a lot of surprises, things I hadn’t thought of but really liked. Months ago I made a vision board about what I wanted in an apartment, and, my bad, I haven’t really been looking at it, or meditating on it, or whatever. I just made it and let it go. I was just looking at it and this place fits, it really does. The elements are all there but in some unexpected ways (which is one of the phrases on the board “something totally unexpected”).
Here’s the thing. I don’t know if this is actually the place. The owner knows I want it and will call if anyone else expresses interest…I do not have to make that decision on a dime. One thing I do know is that I was shocked by liking it so much and immediately did not trust it. And I was talking to a friend who asked me why I expect it has to be hard? And I thanked her, because she was so right. I expect everything has to be SO hard. What I know, however, is that getting this house up for sale, showing it, how fast it was bought by an incredible couple with a blatant wink from my mom, has been nothing short of miraculous. And who am I to not trust that? I mean, I ASKED for all of this to happen.I asked for a family to buy this house and not a flipper, I asked for help in getting it together and ready and got it from my sweet friends. I will need more help and I will get it because I am asking for it and trusting it will come.
So why not do “something totally unexpected” and allow this to be easy. I pray and meditate and ask to be caught up in the flow of the universe…who am I to not trust it, to not happily accept the good outcomes that are flowing my way? I expect things to be hard because I have always made them hard. Or focused on the hard so much that was all I could see.
This is a huge thing, a big deal, that doesn’t have to be hard. It will be emotional, and that will be hard, but the process does not have to be. The process is actually very exciting. I have no fucking idea what is going to happen. Why choose to expect it to be hard? I can choose to expect it to be emotional and life-changing and exciting and that I will instinctively know the right place when I find it. I can choose all of that because that is what I am asking for, and these days I do not believe the universe is out to get me. I am actually beginning to believe that the universe is on my side and wants to give me what I want and what I need. But I need to let go of the outcome, trust and get out of the way and start expecting the unexpected.