Recognition

I am looking at people who are dancing and touching each other
I am drinking vodka with ice and feeling incredibly fucked
I wonder if anyone feels more lonely now than they felt an hour ago
when they were alone in their rooms looking at things on the internet

 Mira Gonzalez
Man that poem hit me hard…that recognition. “Feeling incredibly fucked”….
I spent years of my life feeling like that, and when I saw this on a website I was reading I had to quote it.
Yes, someone feels more lonely now, a lot more lonely now. I stayed at home, drinking in the office, alone, hiding out  and looking at things on the internet because every time I went out I felt worse, more lonely.
I tried, I wrote that recently, to have people over.to socialize, to engage in life. I accepted invitations and put up a great facade of feeling happy for others good fortune while my own life was crumbling into chaos, while I brought the only person I really cared about down with me.  I dated a lot and even had a little relationship, though it was fueled by drinking and sex and no other real connection.
I was so lonely, but very specific lonely. I was lonely for Tom. I wanted him back. I would have done anything to have him back and knowing there was nothing I could do was infuriating! How? Why did this happen? How can I fix this, make it better for me and my son? the ridiculous choice I made was to retreat into my own private “one woman party from hell” (as a dear friend calls it), though that doesn’t really describe it. It was no party, from hell or otherwise.
That loneliness still gets me sometimes. I know that is reasonable now, I am alone, I live alone. That is a fact of my life. I spend time with my friends and their families or spouses and there are times I have to breathe through a bout of pure jealousy that feels like it’s going to kill me.  And there are times where I am lonelier out in the world than I would be at home, on the computer, enjoying my “imaginary friends” in the interwebs. But I have learned that not doing, not going, not engaging is the worst possible thing for me. I accept invitations, stay on my dating services though I rarely date these days, I try new things, I volunteer, I go to meetings and meet friends for coffee an breakfast, show up for my poker games.
The LIE that I am lonelier out, engaged in the world is insidious. It is old beliefs and old behaviours coming back to roost, and coming back to take me down. I will not let them, that shit is not allowed anymore, just like the vodka on ice. They are all the same thing to me, the isolating, the drinking, the jealousy and loneliness.  It’s a struggle, I will not lie. I am pretty happy alone, always have been. But there surely has to be more now. Including saying yes to more life , being open to change and growth, all of which take me farther away from the self-pity and self-obsession that is so destructive to me.
I am deep into memory these days and reminiscing. It makes perfect sense in the upheaval and uncertainty of my life. There is a lot of good in this remembering, the recounting of the beauty that I firmly believed for so long WAS my life and  now was over. I firmly believed that my LIFE was over, that I was biding time, that I wanted to die. I don’t feel that way anymore and am glad of it. I don’t know what the future holds except certain inevitabilities. But I’ll bet there are a lot of surprises left too, a lot of beauty and wonder and happy and purpose and laughter and love.
I know what it doesn’t hold, that future….it doesn’t hold a tall glass of vodka on ice.
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2 Comments

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  1. Feeling incredibly fucked – yup, I sure can relate to that one. I was a social drinker. I couldn’t stand to be alone. I would drag people I hated home with me just to not be alone, with myself, but I still relate to the isolation – because I was lonliest in rooms full of people. Maybe the mirror their outsides shined into my inside chaos – I don’t know. I’m so grateful to be free of that level of isolation and pain. I’ve definitely touched on it in sobriety, but not quite. There’s nothing quite like feeling incredibly fucked with a glass of vodka with ice.

  2. Thank you, Michele, for enumerating loneliness so clearly. I felt all of this things and more. Our journeys are still just beginning, but there must be more than what we have allowed ourselves up to now. You are my touchstone with your missives and musings about life, death, and moving on.

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