There s a lot happening in my head right now.
Just to update the house situation, it is still sold but more time was needed for appraisal. I was cool with this until the time stretched until July 10, a full two weeks after it was supposed to be done. The thing is that every day this takes just causes me me more anxiety. I don’t like not knowing what is going to happen. I am getting better at staying in the day, the hour, the minute, but when it comes to where I am going to live in a month, well, not so much. I have really been accommodating to these buyers and happily. I want them. Beautiful couple with two beautiful children…I could not ask for anyone better to buy this house. But I also have to honor the fact that this is a huge transition for me, and sitting in this uncertainty is making me crazy. So I talked to my realtor, she nudged the lender and the appraisal is set for tomorrow morning. After that I don’t now what, but at least it feels like movement, and for that I am grateful.
So now on to other things.
I am doing another Whole30.
Yah, I know. Another group effort, which certainly makes it easier, but I keep thinking I’m a little crazy. YET….I was absolutely on the fence about it since it was first discussed. It started yesterday, July 1, and I thought I would join in but only with sugar because I have allowed my sugar intake to get a little out of control, justifying it with all the stress and uncertainty in my life. But I went to yoga Sunday night and felt more open to the idea, and Monday morning I just decided to go for it. The truth is that the “sugar dragon” will be more easily tamed if I am eating properly across the board and if I take it off the table entirely (we have already established that I am not a moderator). So here I am on day 2, with a nice little piece of steak to fry and some marinating carrots to roast and a jug of ice tea brewed in the fridge. It feels good and right. I actually feel relief. There is the relief of making the decision, period, which is always big for me. But there is a calmness I feel that tells me that, counter to what I think about how I should handle this crazy, stress-filled time, eating right and staying disciplined is the way to go. there is a purpose, a goal here, and one that is going to be good for me.
So I am all in, once again. Loving that I have a group of friends to do this with, and knowing that this is the right choice for me.
All of this got me thinking about discipline in general and my lack of it in particular.
I don’t go to work every day, I don’t have a small child to get up for and I stay up WAY to late every night. I mean 2-3am late. So I have added this into my Whole30….I am logging the times I go to bed along with my food (I kept a journal of what I ate and how I felt last time..it was really helpful)
I spend way too much time on the computer, refreshing my FB page, checking emails, playing Candy Crush Saga. I am going to consciously try and do less of that stuff. We’ll see how that goes. But I just spent the last hour reading, happily, and I can’t do that while on the computer. I spent last week watching the entire 3 seasons of Game Of Thrones, and I wasn’t on the computer then either and I was in tune with popular culture (and it was awesome!)
I think what it is coming down to for me is different choices; I need to make them. I have to start packing, that’s out of my hands, but with better eating and more sleep I will get that done and handle all the transitions easier.
The other choice I thought I’d make is an attempt to write every day. Since you are reading what am writing now this could be either good or bad news. This is pretty boring, but sometimes I write interesting stuff. My thought is to just write about something, every day. Whether or not it’s happening in my life, a thought, an idea, a whatever….just a disciple, a practice.
Which is, I guess what I really wanted to write about today.
I look at my sobriety as a practice, my yoga and (occasional) meditation as a practice. I am involved in a few email gratitude lists which is another practice. The Whole30, again, practice. I think of the service I do in my grief groups as a practice. All practices inherently need some sort of discipline attached to them. Consistency and commitment are important.
I want to deepen my practice of life. Of being present, of being open and allowing the universe to be friendly to me, to work through and for me. I want to be kind to myself first, then those closest to me, then acquaintances and then my enemies…a constant metta meditation. A “mighty kindness: as Rumi says in Zero Circle. I am thinking that there is no better time for me. My life is in complete flux, I am nearing a rather frightening birthday, I need to process the rest of my life. In a little more than a month from today I will be living in a new place, a year older, hopefully healthier and having written, something, every day. That discipline and practice can lead me to a month of accomplishments vs a month of sitting on my butt wondering what happened. I want to know what happened. I want to participate in it all. In all of MY life.
The only constant in life is change. The only way for me to fully flow with life and it’s inherent change is with discipline and practice. Commitment and consistency. I am owning that now.