What? WTF? Wherefore?
No matter how I write it it’s still WHAT?
Everything is going well. The house is still sold, though there was a little negotiating (it’s an OLD house)..but we are all happy with the outcome. Now It’s lender stuff; in other words, out of my hands.
Everything is out of my hands.
I am not supposed to care what others think of me, none of business. But I do.
I am not supposed to try and control situations. But I do.
Today I woke up with a sore throat. As the day progressed it got more and more sore. If I were to describe it now it would be like I have sandpaper in my throat. It hurts to swallow. It hurts to breathe too, because whatever this is is starting its descent into my chest. It has also rapidly begun flowing profusely from my nose, and the coughing has commenced. I am assuming it is a sinus infection, because I am prone to them.
But I don’t now because after I made an emergency appointment with my doctor so I could get an antibiotic started, (and still go on my trip,as if they would want me when they saw this!) I got a phone call telling me I don’t have insurance.
Now, I know I have insurance. I pay a boatload of money every month for insurance and checks have been cashed. So I need to clear that up with my insurance company, but this all happened after 5pm. Out of luck after 5 pm, no one in the office.
This all happened today and after 5 pm, the day before I had a plan to leave for a weekend away, San Francisco and beyond.
With a whole group of people staying in houses I have already paid my portion of the rent on.
See, it’s been stressful around here, what with selling the house and stuff. And I guess I was silly to feel relief and some excitement about taking a planned trip that I thought I couldn’t take, then could, and now can’t again. I am just bitching here, really. The unfairness of life. My fear of what these people will think of me. Losing money. What the hell is going on with my insurance. A myriad of fears and disappointment.
I was glad to get away, to not have to stress anymore about the house closing. To take a break and laugh and play before I start packing and searching for my new digs. One stressor down, 47 more to go, but a break in between.
Well, I guess I am having a break. I am sick. I must sleep (right now my throat hurts too bad and I can’t stop blowing my nose!). I will lay around all weekend.
Since that story about the buyers I have been very into finding the “reason” for things…the winks or the higher purpose, whatever. I guess I always looked for winks, I have always believed in them and a very thin veil separating us from our dead loved ones.
But I am aslo continually told there are reasons for things happening.
I hate that. REALLY hate that. Yet I find myself thinking that way. Not exactly looking for a reason, but accepting that the Universe is friendly and wants the best for me. Which is a nice thought until something shitty happens.
I don’t know why I am sick. Come down off stress? Too many allergens the last few weeks that have finally descended? Problems that I don’t know about that I will have to deal with this weekend? Avoiding a car wreck on HWY 5? (With no insurance?).
That’s the problem with that kind of thinking, it anticipates bad as well as good, sorrow as well as joy. It feels like controlling..either by me, by some unseen force that is unseen, unknowing, unknowable, probably non-existent…..
ARRGGHHH. Frustrated complaining. Anticipating telling my friends I am not coming. Anger at the unfairness of it; I DESERVE this, right?
This is my blog and I can cry if I want to.
And I am, dammit. Dammit!
And I’m gonna do my level best to think that the Universe has something better in store for me than the fun weekend I had planned. Because at the moment , that thought is all I got.
And I am hanging by a thread.