This is a song by a group called Red Molly.
I don’t know that this is the best time of my life, I don’t know that it’s not. It’s what it is and it is completely scary..free-falling.
I will land hard or I will grow wings, yes?
No idea of what is to come…the essence of being in the now, staying in the moment. Of living mindfully each minute because, the truth that is ever-present is that any moment can be your last. Worry is pointless, stress is stupid, fear is over-rated.
And yet, I am worried and stressed and so very, very fearful.
I admit to wanting to know, to wanting to know what will happen this weekend when my house goes on the market. Will it be a hit? Will anyone want it? Will it get multiple offers, start a bidding war, give me more money than we are asking for? Will it sell?
I love this house, have loved it for almost 22 years, have loved it from the day I first walked in with my realtor at the time. I couldn’t wait to rush home to Tom and tell him about it, how great it was, how perfect. I tried to describe it and he didn;t seem as enthused as I wished him to be. I was disappointed. I never thought it was perhaps my inability to describe it accurately; I just figured he was an ass. Of course, when he did see it, he fell as hard as I did and we rushed into negotiations.
This would be our first real home together. This would be where we raised our family. This would be where we had all the parties Tom wanted and I was wary of…they happened, for years, and were great, but I was scared. Oh, but I loved this house and I still do. So much. I project out to the day I leave…how will I do it? Will there be a line of people behind me, prying my hands off the door as I scream and refuse to leave? Or will I do it with grace, having finally reached the conclusion that it is time. I imagine a little of both.
“May I suggest this is the best time of your life”….
Yes, you may. I don’t believe it, but suggest away. It’s comforting. It’s hopeful. I dredge up hope, but I feel like I am going backwards. I was with a dear and wise friend tonite. I was able to voice my fears as she countered with possibilities, kept me grounded in each step vs, the big picture. It was exactly what I needed. I can go from ok to overwhelm in 3 seconds flat, and its not pretty. it’s scary to me and I get lost in it. If I stay focused on what is right in front of me I’m better. I know it, and yet…
The house represents so much to me, a whole life. When I hear this song I feel hope because it offers it…the hope that what I don’t know could be better than I ever imagined. But what I live in, what I do know, is that my life with Tom was the best part of my life . UP UNTIL KNOW. I have to hold that….that it can be better. I just miss him so much that I can barely stand it.
Susan used an analogy tonite that I have been snowed in, and the snowplows came and now Spring is coming and it’s time….it’s time. I know that to be true. The snowplows came when I quit drinking. Spring is here. I am more grounded in my sobriety. I have dealt with a lot and know that I am capable of doing this sober.
Yet I keep feeling like I made a mistake, over-reacted. I don’t want a drink, but feel like I’m not really an alcoholic. It doesn’t feel real to me now…but it does get up in my head and mess with me. The amazing thing is that it passes quickly the more I talk about it, so I have to talk about it.
I think that being and doing are both very important. “Faith without works is dead”…I must have faith, trust that things will work out. I am, once again, standing at the precipice of the unknown, about to take a giant leap. Will the ground smack me in the face or will I grow wings? I have to trust that I will grow wings, but my faith is weak. So I add in the actions….I get the place in good shape to sell. I prepare myself with meditation and good food and self care. I don’t drink and I try and help others. I peruse Craigs List and other sites for apartment possibilities, make a board of intentions and write my “must-haves” on the back. Like hardwood floors. And a laundry hook-up in the apartment. And a place to grow flowers…pots, something. And visualize those things and ask the universe for them and let it go. Well, try and let it go.
I had the thought that I would go away this weekend. That I would just skip town on Friday and come home Monday and it would, hopefully, all be over but the actual counting of offers. I talked myself out of it. Until I was talked back into it by my loving and generous friends. So I won’t be here, or anywhere near, while my house is tramped through by a bunch of strangers who have no idea of the value , the pricelessness of this home.Except, maybe , there will be one person who sees it. Who visualizes a family, and parties and love all around. I hope that person tramps through.
May I suggest that this could possibly be the best time of my life. No responsibilities. Renting. Yoga. Radical self-care. Sobriety. Health. Incredible, loving and supportive friends. Who knows?
I don’t and can’t know. I’m on the precipice, the “jumping off point”, and the leap will happen.
Or I will be pushed.