My Son

I have this kid.

A son. Age 20 (21 in September)

Wonder Boy as he’s affectionately known in some circles.

You know…. thought I’d do a sort of paean to him, a portrait of the kid, lovingly written and full of info.

And I don’t want to. I realize that he is is own person, and that’s why I don’t really use his name or say much about him on here.

Suffice it to say that he has been a huge part of the greatest joy in my life, and the greatest sorrow. He has thrilled me and scared me to death. He has been an angel and a demon. And he has given me the good fortune of being a good and horrible parent.

I think that’s exactly how it’s supposed to work. Don’t always like him but, god, love him so hard, so much.

Today I am proud of him, excited for him. Today he signed a lease on an apartment, got keys. This is huge. This is a good thing, This is making me cry. All good, all perfect. It’s time, has been for a while. He needs to be a man, to live life in the real world, to make it on his own. He has always been that kid, doing everything his own way, learning the hard way, not listening….he was born an old soul and it is taking time for him to grow into it; it is painful. It is happening. He has had to endure incredible sorrow in his short life and now, hopefully, he is on the way to great joy. I don’t know. He is on his path and it will be interesting, and perhaps horribly painful, to see how much he wants me to be a part of his new life. I hope he will want me around, but I don’t, can’t know. I know when I was “asked” to move out of my house at 19 I had no time for my parents, my siblings, for a few years. I talked to them but never REALLY.  I didn’t ask the kid to leave, but the circumstances of my selling the house are forcing the issue.

But he’s ready, and has been for a while. Maybe not fully, emotionally, but ready to leave me…yes, very ready to leave me. As it should be at 20. And I am ready for him to leave. Is that bad for a parent to say? That I need a break from him as much as he needs one from me? I think that’s why, although I cannot deny my sadness, my overwhelming feelings are excitement for him, and happiness. He is on a path, he is headed into life. It’s an exciting and wonderful time and I know that it won’t be easy but he’ll learn so much.

And I’m on a path too. I’m not sure if I am heading into or out of life, but I’m moving, somewhere. There is a path that I don’t really see, but I know right foot, left foot, right foot,hup…I’m doing the next indicated action.

But this is about the boy. This is about the wonder of that first apartment, that first foray into adulthood.  I am happy to be excited for him, to hope and wish and trust for him. To love him.

I have been doing that, non-stop for almost 21 years, nothing can change that now.

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3 Comments

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  1. WHOOOOOO HOOOOO
    Big doin’s. We are living in parallel universes. Huge heart stretch.
    xoxoxoxxo

  2. Yaaaaay! With my toddler sitting in my lap, yay. I’m far away from your experience, but it’s simply amazing to watch. A testament really. And that first apartment? The. Best. Ill never forget mine 🙂

  3. First apartment! That’s a huge deal for him. It’s a bittersweet moment for a parent and I feel the hint of pain you no doubt feel, but also the optimism and hope of a proud mama.

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