So Hum is Sanskrit for I am.
It was my meditation tonite, and it is one of my very favorite Sanskrit phrases.
I am. I am. I am.
Repeat it on the breathe..inhale so, exhale hum.
Soothing, right? Clear, concise. I have no trouble remembering it.
I am writing this late in the evening on March 20. So late that I imagine it will spill over into tomorrow, which is perfect. Because this is a post for tomorrow. This is a post for March 21.
March 21 is a clear, concise date that I have no trouble remembering.
Two years ago, on March 21, 2011, I went to an AA meeting. Not my first nor my last, not the best. Just one close to home. When I got home, for the first time in years, I made a conscious decision to go to bed and not have a drink.
One day at a time I have risen every morning with the intention that I will not drink today. Just today. That is my choice. As my sweet friend says tomorrow I can get trashed, but not today.
It’s not been easy.There have been times where I thought I’d rather die than NOT have a drink. But I didn’t do either (die or drink).
I drank for a long time, and I drank insanely for the few years prior to stopping. I drank secretly, ashamed of the simple fact that alcohol was the solution to all my problems, all my feelings, and my horrible life. I functioned, I did my work and cared for my son and maintained friendships. But I drank before I went out, drank while I was out and really drank when i got home. I hated myself, I dropped balls that had lasting consequences out of fear or lethargy or whatever else I was feeling at the time because the simple fact was that I wanted to feel nothing. Alcohol helped me with that, until one day it didn’t. At that point I was left with a terrible habit and no way to escape the feelings, and then I really was in hell. I isolated, going for days not leaving the house . I kept trying, I kept chasing that feeling of being dead, but I began to realize that the only way to get that feeling again was to actually die.
So Hum. I am.
I don’t know what caused me to come home that night and not drink. Grace? I love that word grace…grace allowed me to step through an invisible door where one side meant drunk and the other sober. A quote I read when I was “researching” sobriety calls to me. “first the gesture,, then the grace”. My gesture was going to bed. That’s all Idid. Grace happened in that moment.
Sober, I am. So Hum.
I am grateful beyond measure for the people in my life who love and support me now, and who loved and supported me then. Many of them are the same. A surprising number of them live in my computer in an incredible on-line group of sober people who help me every day. I do the work of AA, it’s what has resonated for me. Not all aspects for sure, but enough that I could get a sponsor and be willing to throw pre-conceived notions out the window in an attempt to save my own life. Sweet Jenny and a posse of sober women who drag me around and keep me sane and make me do things I don’t want to do, those are my lifelines in the program, and, increasingly out of it. Because I didn’t get sober to not live my life. I got sober to see what life I had left to salvage. Turns out quite a lot. Not all easy, much of it really hard, but, even so, so much better. I don’t now how I got so lucky. Grateful though, so very grateful.
This is my 2 year birthday post. I am proud to be posting this, it’s been a hard and wonderful, frustrating and graceful, beautiful and infuriating 2 years. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
It is what it is
I am who I am