So Hum….

So Hum is Sanskrit for I am.

It was my meditation tonite, and it is one of my very favorite Sanskrit phrases.

I am.  I am. I am.

Repeat it on the breathe..inhale so, exhale hum.

Soothing, right? Clear, concise. I have no trouble remembering it.

I am writing this late in the evening on March 20. So late that I imagine it will spill over into tomorrow, which is perfect. Because this is a post for tomorrow. This is a post for March 21.

March 21 is a clear, concise date that I have no trouble remembering.

Two years ago, on March 21, 2011, I went to an AA meeting. Not my first nor my last, not the best. Just one close to home. When I got home, for the first time in years, I made a conscious decision to go to bed and not have a drink.

Day one.

One day at a time I have risen every morning with the intention that I will not drink today. Just today. That is my choice. As my sweet friend says tomorrow I can get trashed, but not today.

It’s not been easy.There have been times where I thought I’d rather die than NOT have a drink. But I didn’t do either (die or drink).

I drank for a long time, and I drank insanely for the few years prior to stopping. I drank secretly, ashamed of the simple fact that alcohol was the solution to all my problems, all my feelings, and my horrible life. I functioned, I did my work and cared for my son and maintained friendships. But I drank before I went out, drank while I was out and really drank when i got home.  I hated myself, I dropped balls that had lasting consequences out of fear or lethargy or whatever else I was feeling at the time because the simple fact was that I wanted to feel nothing. Alcohol helped me with that, until one day it didn’t. At that point I was left with a terrible habit and no way to escape the feelings, and then I really was in hell. I isolated, going for days not leaving the house . I kept trying, I kept chasing that feeling of being dead, but I began to realize that  the only way to get that feeling again was to actually die.

So Hum. I  am.

I don’t know what caused me to come home  that night and not drink. Grace? I love that word grace…grace allowed me to step through an invisible door where one side meant drunk and the other sober. A quote I read when I was “researching” sobriety calls to me. “first the gesture,, then the grace”. My gesture was going to bed. That’s all Idid. Grace happened in that moment.

Sober, I am. So Hum.

I am grateful beyond measure for the people in my life who love and support me now, and who loved and supported me then. Many of them are the same.  A surprising number of them live in my computer in an incredible on-line group of sober people who help me every day. I do the work of AA, it’s what has resonated for me. Not all aspects for sure, but enough that I could get a sponsor and be willing to throw pre-conceived notions out the window in an attempt to save my own life. Sweet Jenny and a posse of sober women who drag me around and keep me sane and make me do things I don’t want to do, those are my lifelines in the program, and, increasingly out of it. Because I didn’t get sober to not live my life. I got sober to see what life I had left to salvage.  Turns out quite a lot. Not all easy, much of it really hard, but, even so, so much better. I don’t now how I got so lucky. Grateful though, so very grateful.

This is my 2 year birthday post. I am proud to be posting this, it’s been a hard and wonderful, frustrating and graceful, beautiful and infuriating 2 years. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

It is what  it is

I am who I am

So Hum

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6 Comments

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  1. Congrats on your two years Michele!

  2. Happy birthday, Michele, and congratulations on all you have done and are continuing to do. Your journey has already begun.

  3. Happy Birthday to yoooooo
    Happy Birthday to yoooooo
    Happy Birthday, dear Michele…..
    Happy Birthday to yooooooooooooo
    And many more!!!!
    xoxoxox

  4. This is such a beautiful post, Michele. It got me a little teary–made me think of my own luck too, and gratitude, and grace. Sometimes, I forget to appreciate how different my life is. You’ve helped me remember.

    Many, many congratulations on this huge milestone.

    And many hugs, too.

    Susan

  5. Your writing is so beautiful and honest. Congratulations on your two years, Michele.

    Like Susan, it was also a good reminder to me about the reasons why i stopped drinking.

    “Because I didn’t get sober to not live my life. I got sober to see what life I had left to salvage.” Love it. Enjoy your special day x

  6. These moments of grace, my sweet cocoon – these moments of grace. Thank you God.

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