that’ what’s happening here, work is continuing on.
yesterday and today I have workers here finishing up our once unusable bathroom. The plumber did his work and now the walls are cleaned up and being painted and the shower has new tiles and it’s starting to look great.
I had the thought that my realtor is very smart in telling me to do as little as possible around here to get it ready to sell. The fact is that whoever buys the house is going to want to do a lot of their own things, but the other fact is that I can see how I might just fall in love again with my little bathroom, newly cleaned up and ready for use. I could get some pretty towels and cute hand-washing accessories and, and…the attachment comes back.
I am very lucky. The woman who is contracting for me is a friend and I trust her implicitly . I trust that her prices are fair, her workers are competent and safe and that the job will be completed properly. There is no price tag you can put on that for me. I have no idea about any of this stuff and peace of mind means a lot to me. Just another way of letting me know the timing is right, things will work out, jump and I’ll grow wings (or the bathroom won’t flood..whatever).
I have found myself not using my forced time at home very well, in terms of getting things accomplished. However I have to respect the process here, and sitting with a cup of tea listening to the work going on is working on my subconscious self, preparing me for the further continuation of this process. There is much to do and it feels very overwhelming. Yesterday I walked around the backyard with Jules (contractor extraordinaire) and she calmly gave me some ideas of how to manage the cleanup of my back yard. Pile all the good things that could go in a garage sale on one end, the trash on the other. Call for the big dumpster, get a couple of guys over for a day’s work and load that dumpster, make a decision about taking out the spa and that goes too. It is a step by step process and needs a quiet mind, a non-attached mind, to handle it. I even said to her I should just pack up my car and disappear for a week, allowing others to come through and clean and toss. As I said it it sounded good, in reality I realize that I can’t do that but the temptation is there. How nice it would be to abdicate all responsibility for the sorting of my life in this house?
The problem is, of course, it is MY life and I am the only one who can know. I was meditating last night and could not get my monkey mind to STFU about xmas decorations. Really? Really. It’s just a example but pertinent. I have a lot, some valuable. I need to sell them and some should probably go on ebay. The last 2 years of a small Charley Brown tree have liberated me from the need to hang them all, but not from the need to keep them all. We chose them…every year new and special and meaningful to us….me, the boy and Tom. So what do I do? I imagine I will let the kid choose whatever he wants, I will take the ones I cannot bear to not have, and the rest go on ebay and garage sale status. The problem is that, as I put them away in January I knew all of this, but did nothing about it. It could have been done. Yet there goes monkey -mind again, beating me up for not making a decision at the right time, or the convenient time. Well, fuck it. I couldn’t. So now I have to. I have found often-times I am better in the have to then the appropriate. I could, in fact, be sorting through that stuff right now…. And so it goes.
I have been working hard on the idea of attachment and how it doesn’t serve me. I practice detachment at every given opportunity, and often I fail miserably, but I am seeing progress. The house is big, the next step in life is bigger, the letting go and moving ahead is fucking huge. I can’t fault my little mind for running around creating chaos and drama where there is none, because that’s what it does. I can only try and deepen my practice of non-attachment to outcome, of trust in the process and reliance on the wisdom and help of people who have been there before.
Gratitude plays here too…for friends who understand that I am torn and conflicted and are willing to wait on me to get it together, and not judge my process. I imagine it’s very frustrating; I don’t now, I’m not in their heads. It’s very frustrating in my head though, so it stands to reason it’s not easy for anyone else. I have had so many offers to just sit with me as I sort. I love that. I know they mean it and I will abuse it….I will need not only a witness but a judge, someone to help me acknowledge that many of the things I am holding on to are way past their time and do not serve me. Help me let go. I guess i need the dumpster for that.
I want to say “why is life so complicated”, yet I know it is ALWAYS complicated and always will be. Accepting that and working to keep it simpler is my job right now. Divesting, letting go, NOT erasing, is my path.
Really fucking scary.
Really fucking liberating.