Spending the day at home with a plumber.
A roofer was also supposed to come and mix it up with us, but he’s sick and cancelled. He only needed to check one thing for me and I have a 5 year guarantee on less than a year old work, so…
I expected a few hours, and so far it’s been 6..other plans going to hell. Expectations can get you in ALL areas of life. I’m grateful I did a laundry last night, since I may have to wait a couple of days to do another one. His quote was good so I told him to start, and, as usual, the rabbit hole appeared, although I am grateful it doesn’t seem too big. It’s gross though. Plumbing business is gross. I am grateful I am not a plumber. I will happily pay for that service! He’ll be back tomorrow to do stage 2, which is the unexpected rabbit hole. Lucky next people who live here.
It speaks to the bigger issue of the house though. It makes it realer. (Not a word but I like it). I am sitting here writing, have done some wedding work, have eaten 2 meals,have wasted plenty of time on-line, have stressed and fretted, have let it go…..all sorts of regular stuff except that a plumber is here doing work that needs to be done so I can sell my house in the best condition possible. THE! The house. Stuff in the 3rd bathroom. The dog’s bathroom. Tom’s bathroom….where he would retreat, where he collapsed years ago. The bathroom we don’t use. But the bathroom we used so beautifully for years, where the kids would change for the pool and then run back to rinse off and change after swimming. Where I used to put Xmas lights around the mirror and cute Xmas towels for our big holiday parties. Where we crated Sally when she first joined our family. There is always something, good or bad, like all attachments. I could go through this house inch by inch and recall a happening, or a thing or another attachment….it would never end.
It makes me really sad. Sometimes feelings ARE facts. But feelings won’t kill me and that is also a fact.
This will be a long process, no matter how fast it feels like it is going. I am not adept at letting people in too deep, I keep a lot close to the vest, or close to a very few others whom I love and trust. I don’t think I can continue doing that, because already the plumber has seen me cry. Who else will see me cry during this process? Clerks at Target and Home Depot,doctors and grocery store checkers, the gardeners at the nursery as I flower my little bed, bank clerks, other workers…I may as well garner support from friends rather than weird sympathy from strangers. This letting go is hard and necessary but hard, fucking hard. One attachment after the other. What will be left? So many unanswerable questions. I am caught in the flow, trying to relax and let it take me so I don’t drown. It feels like I am drowning.
When I got up this morning all the daffodils had opened. There are open daffodils on my kitchen table. There are open daffodils in my window as the plumber plumbs and as I write and as I mourn.