So, the entire is house is filled with smoke.
This is just an aside, I have no idea what happened. I was roasting a chicken as I have before and it kinda burned up. So fans are blowing, doors are open and I’m grateful it is a beautiful, warm day. Oh, and I burned the hell out of my finger trying to pull it out of the oven. Grrrr…..
Meanwhile, the house. And let’s note that from now on it will be known as THE house. Not My House, and certainly not My Home. This is a lesson in non-attachment through my friend C via Ram Das. What is really ours? How attached are we to things, to outcomes, to expectations and how can we not be. It really is all about living in the now, because in this moment I am happy and free and not attached or desirous of anything. Except a chicken. And the house being less smoky. And now what will I have for dinner. And I was planning on finishing prepping the flower bed for planting…GAHHHHH! Stop, right?
I am not sure how to let go of attachment, really let everyone and everything be free. I know it’s probably an unattainable goal for me as I am not moving to a cave anytime soon to commune with god. But It’s partly attainable. I can make small inroads in letting go, of being less attached to things or the drama and feelings around those things.
Gotta start with the obvious, the house. Yesterday I signed a contract with a realtor. Now, she’s not pushing me, though I can see she wants to. She believes RIGHT NOW is the time to sell. Interest rates are low and there are bidding wars going on again. 2 weeks ago when she came by she was talking a different, lower price range than she was yesterday. But she is kind and understanding and knows my attachment to the house..or more to the drama and feelings of the house. So we have a date in mind and I have certain things to accomplish before that date. Guess what? An appointment with a plumber and a contractor to drywall and fix the bathroom have been made. I made one yesterday and one today. That’s moving pretty fast for me. I’m thinking it may have been due to the non-attachment discussion on Sunday night. (Right?) The thing about attachments is that they do not serve us in the long run. They hold us back, keep us in the past and impede our forward motion. I am all about the forward motion right now, ALL about it. I am flying by the seat of my pants; jumping and hoping I’ll grow wings; trusting in a soft landing…..living the cliche. I have to do it for many reasons, but the only one that really matters is that I cannot continue living my life holding onto a past that will never be again. Never. It breaks my heart, but maybe it is breaking it OPEN? Hearts do break open and fill, vs, close and shrivel. My cold and shrivelly heart needs to a break, and open is the preferred direction.
Signing the papers was surreal. Making the calls I have to make is like being in Olivier’s dental chair. I feel like I have to take a nap every 15 seconds, or eat ice cream or have a glass of wine (yes, I now…the last is off the table, but the thought flits through occasionally). The fear is intense and the sadness breath-taking, and I want to run and hide and scream and stop it, stop the world.
Instead I bought daffodils.
They look so beautiful and cheery in My Home.