when last we left our heroine…(I know, I’ve used that before and it’s corny but it’s my blog and I can write what I want!)…
I have a new car. As expected, my car was totaled and so I have a new car. I went to a dealership and figured out what I don’t want with a hard sell, and I have a new car. I went through Costco and painlessly bought a new car. Took a test drive and got everything I wanted for the price I wanted so I bought a new car. Drove that new car right off the lot after making a deposit and getting a loan approved. Then today I drove that new car to my credit union and got my REAL loan and went to the insurance guy and got new insurance for my new car.
It’s a new car, same as the old (another Prius), in a beautiful color with a lot of bells and whistles and I really love it a lot, that new car of mine.The new car smells so new.
It’s a new car that I bought all by myself. Me. It’s only my car, no sharing.
When I drove off the lot I had to pull over for a few minutes. I had to take in the enormity of what I had just accomplished. I had to take in the fact that, as wonderful and cool as this was, there would be fall out and it would be, and was, swift. As in many things I do alone, I spend time thinking about who is not there, and it breaks my heart. As long as I had the old car, the connection in the car to Tom was there. I wasn’t always focused on it, actually seldom thought of it, until it was gone. The new car, while beautiful and exciting and happy-making, didn’t have Tom in it.
Tonite in my grief group we the group was talking about the change of seasons and the way that just marks more time away from their dead spouse. I remember feeling that too, and while I still get a pretty strong hit of Tom not being there in big moments (each new year, anniversary, birthday), I am grateful that the passing of the seasons, even most days, has loosened it’s grip on me. The car thing though, that got to me in a bigger way. It’s another actual divestiture, a letting go,a giving away, a loosening of grip on physical things that I can connect with Tom. Just like when I went on a shredding and throwing spree . Just like selling the house will be.
It’s also a good thing…I bought a car all by myself! Before Tom my dad would go with me, help me haggle and get a deal. Together Tom and I bought 5 cars, but he mostly bought them, I just went along for the ride, even when they were for me. I let him do it happily, and now I’ve just done it. Proudly, competently, happily and sadly. Such a mix of emotions.
This is the time of letting go. of loosening my grip on the past. Tonite in group they were also talking about sleeping, and specifically where and how on the bed and whether that had changed. Not one person said they slept on their spouses “side” of the bed. I drifted for a moment and thought about how I have never slept on Tom’s side of the bed, even still. When I move I am getting rid of that bed, it’s time for me to be in a bed sized for me, not the California King that I inhabit an outside edge of. It boggles my mind as I write this, the car, the bed, the house, the THINGS….none of which mean anything without him, but all of which are so fraught with meaning because of him.
A big part of me wants to set a bon-fire, get rid of it all, everything, one fell swoop. Like yanking a tooth. But that is not going to happen and so it seems the slow loosening has started in earnest.It’s going to be a bumpy ride, but I’m ready for it. I mean, I have to be and I am up to the task. I am capable.
I mean, hey, I just bought myself a new car!