Jump!

I am not very good at Yoga, but oh I love it so.

I especially love my 11th step Yoga class, a hybrid yoga/meditation/meeting that is usually the highlight of my week.

Sunday nights, 8pm.. Me = there.

My being not very good at yoga doesn’t come so into play there, because it is a bit  of a rag-tag group, all over the place in skill sets. Which is great for me, because, as I said, I am not that good. I actually can rock a few moves…got a great cobra,  can do that  sitting in the air pose for a nice long while and my other-really-good-one-that-I can’t-remember-the -name-of that involves bending over and holding your ankles.  And I have Shavasana DOWN!

The hardest things for me are balance poses, because I just don’t have a good sense of balance. I never have.

(Let’s not all point out the obvious metaphor here at once. Thank you.)

My legs have nerve damage and often go numb, and its hard to balance on legs you can’t feel. So what happens is that I fall over , a lot.  I do keep trying though, right? All any one of us can do.

Anyway, I went into practice tonight determined to really try everything. Last week Abby had us doing so many balance poses that I got really mad and resentful in class. I stopped trying and just stood there until she moved on. A yoga tantrum if you will. I was chill by the end of class, but it struck me that my response last week wasn’t so hot. I also have made a commitment to meditate every day for at least 10 minutes for Lent. Since I don’t DO Lent, the 40 day time-line was just a convenient way into committing to do what I should be doing anyway, and will, hopefully, be the gateway into a continuing daily practice of meditation.

Back to tonight….so I was determined to do better. Just better, a little bit. And tonight there were very few balancing poses, which helped me to do better. I really tried them though, without throwing in the towel immediately. I was incredibly wobbly the first time and fell over the second but I still felt ok about it. But what I feel GREAT about was the energy that willingness to just be better brought to the whole practice. Because I did something I never have done before…I jumped from downward dog into forward bend. And I did it TWICE! One of the most interesting things about this jump (the first one) was that I really didn’t plan or think about it. I never have done it…it looked hard and seemed like I couldn’t do it, so I accepted that and just walked up into the bend.. Tonite I didn’t even think about it;  Abby said jump and I did. There was a willingness that I walked into the room with and it played out in a jump from pose to pose. I kinda blew my own self away….it was very cool. And the second time I did it proved it was no fluke and I have been basking in the glow of those two little jumps for the last couple  of hours. (Bragging about it here, right?)

The theme of the practice tonight was service, and how important that is. Tonight, in service to all of us in the room, Abby gave me a great gift…a little confidence, a little boost that I sorely needed.  I’ve had a rough few days. I have been angry and resentful about a lot of things and, in my meditation (which is probably why I avoid it) I saw how truly afraid I am right now in my life. There are big things happening, changes, and god I so fucking hate any kind of change!  Tom’s death ruined change for me, also surprises; couldn’t hate surprises more .I am dragging my feet about getting things done around the house to prepare it for sale, about making stands and holding people (read wonder boy) accountable. And what I know is that at the bottom of all of this procrastination is fear. And I know that’s OK…it is what it is, but I don’t feel comfortable, I don’t want it, and I believe if I can work through  some if it I will be able to move forward a bit easier.  There is no way to put a face on this stuff as easy in any way, but easier, smoother works for me. If I’m not as afraid It will be better. My balance will be better. The balance between fear and brave, between sadness and excitement, between forward looking and backward holding on for dear life.

I feel like that jump. I need to jump into a new pose, a new stage of my life. I haven’t been willing  for so long, frankly, I’m not sure how willing I am right now but I WANT to  be willing to move ahead. The pain of staying the same is now officially worse than the fear of changing. I know this place. It’s the same place I was in almost 2 years ago when the pain of drinking became officially and overwhelmingly worse than not drinking.

Guess what they call that?  The “jumping of point”.

Yeah, I know, convenient to this post, right?  Truth is I just GOT here, exactly like I just jumped in class tonite.  This had not even crossed my mind until I actually wrote those words. But they are true; I am here again. I know I am perfectly capable of prolonging the inevitable, it’s been a continuing theme in my life, and god knows I have procrastinated plenty long already.  I also know that I have tools today that I never had before that can help me move forward.

It’s a choice.

I need to jump.

 

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2 Comments

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  1. I have this cut out of an old Christmas card and hanging on my wall:
    “When you get to the end of all the light you know and it’s time to step into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things will happen: either you will be given something solid to stand on or you will be taught how to fly.”
    Grow them wings, girl!!!! We’re watching and cheering.

  2. I LOVE this post! That assumption that you *can’t*–balance, do jumps, move to a new house, move on in life–really hits home for me. Your yoga analogy is very clarifying: the willingness to try changes everything. Not trying feels so safe, but it’s how we get stuck.

    I did some yoga a few years ago as part of a chronic pain class.. It amazed me how fast I went from clumsy and wobbly to competent. All those things I was never willing to try because I *knew* I couldn’t do them… Life gets pretty stale if you always turn back from that jumping off point.

    Thank you! Much to ponder here.

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