II found this quote in an article about an author, George Saunders, that I have never read. He wrote this in a book.
It makes me want to read everything he has ever written :
“Don’t be afraid to be confused. Try to remain permanently confused. Anything is possible. Stay open, forever, so open it hurts, and then open up some more, until the day you die, world without end, Amen.”
Killer, right? And it flows so perfectly with my word of the year, my OPEN.
But that is some open, he’s talking about. So open it hurts? So open that it becomes a prayer, requiring an Amen at the end?
And, truly, IS anything possible?
I’m pondering this as I sit at a desk in the home of a very good friend where I am staying for a week.
I am on Day 6 of a Whole30 (we’ll talk later).
I can’t make my yoga tonight.
I have 2 grief groups to run this week
My routine is whack and all sorts of things are brewing. Thoughts, awarenesses, ideas, all brewing in this weird space.
I have taken to doing my daily proscribed prayers in “child pose” a yoga position of deep submission and surrender. (Think Brody praying in the garage). I also do my own talking to the universe, but that’s after what I have been taught to say. That has just started recently. It feels open and vulnerable and that is what I want to be. Is anything possible?
I have always told people I hate to cook, but I told a bunch of folks that I have never roasted a chicken. Or BBQ’d. Or really baked. I was going to open a can of tuna earlier at the house where I am staying, and I cannot, for the life of me, figure out the can-opener. But here I am, making food, or scooping it out of containers to satisfy the friend, and lamenting the fact that I am eating crazy meals that don’t look or sound anything like my friend’s meals. One of my friend’s invited me over to for “roasting” lessons”….open, is anything possible?
I see my friends moving on, moving ahead, doing things that seem impossible to start at this age. To Me, impossible to me. One friend just re-upped a real estate license and sold her first home, at 74. A couple more are back in school in their 50’s and 60’s. A new yoga instructor is 40. But they have husbands and support and…* insert whiney voice*. Really? Is ANYTHING possible? I have help if I ask for it. Not the same kind, but help.
Hell, I’m doing a Whole30, that has been possible for 6 days, so is anything possible? (Whole30 diet, basically starvation. NO, not really. No grains, sugar, dairy. Major de-tox. A lot like early sobriety) Could I actually exercise? Is that possible? That will hurt.
I am a pretty damn good example of staying “permanently confused”, but what about that open…can I do that? ….”so open it hurts”? I have asked for it, I have set the wheels in motion and the train is running.
I have never known what I wanted to be when I grew up. I think there is a place in me that never thought I would grow up, and there is a very deep and cynical place in me that knows I have some power over that, if need be. But the hopeful place in me is the space the open is flowing from, the part of me that DOES think that anything is possible, that keeps trudging through each day with a will to live and wonder at what that day may hold. I can fold back into darkness and isolation, but it gets harder and harder to do. There is a shift afoot, something changing and moving, out of my control.
I see it in so many others. That makes me dare to believe that it is possible for me.
Oh my. I am asking for a lot.
A lot of help, a lot of life, a lot of love, a lot of change a lot of new.
Is anything possible? Is that possible?
YES. ENOUGH. OPEN…….