“This song just kills me…
It speaks to everything I am feeling during the Holiday,
hell, all the time.
It’s been a while since Tom died, and , while most of the time it feels like yesterday, sometimes I do lie in bed trying to remember how his body felt next to mine. That’s not something I ever want to forget, but sometimes I can’t quite conjure it. Can’t conjure the feel of a bear hug. Of his hand in mine. Of his laugh…sometimes I forget his laugh.
Is it that he’s moving farther away? Where is he? Somedays it feels like he is right next to me, other days so far away.
Is this how it goes, this grieving, this forgetting.
I don’t want it. I want to remember every little thing forever and ever.
And I say that as I relieve myself of things, items that were his. Things he once treasured, certainly enough to cart around for years….his memories before me. And then I am also relieving myself of things that were ours, our memories…things, all. Things.
Not a laugh, Or a body in bed with me. Those I want to keep, need to keep. Those speak of what truly was.
And I write this and I look at my little Charlie Brown Xmas tree, and I look at the top, the star up there. Your star, our star. Every year of our life together we put that star on the top of the tree, and it’s still there. That’s a thing. But not a thing I want to let go of, not ever. I love that star and know, just know, that one Xmas I will stare at it in wonder and joy again. Maybe it will be through aged eyes, fighting to remember anything anymore….
I can’t let you go. At least today.
I have been so lonely this year, and this holiday season has been particularly hard. I am so incredibly grateful for friends who are offering me something to do over the Holidays, parties or dinner or whatever. I can’t muster up the energy to do it myself, but I try and accept all invitations because I know that every year won’t be like this one… no year yet since Tom died has been the same as the last. This year it’s the loneliness that is killing me, and that loneliness is bone deep, in the midst of people I am alone. And it’s hard for me to see others happiness. I read something about grief and it usually resonates….that honoring our grief by loving your child, or husband or whomever ISN’T dead is a wonderful gift. It’s what we want for you. It’s what I want for you….but it’s harder to conjure this year. And I find myself wistfully looking at happy families, old couples and feeling jealous in a way I haven’t before. I know it’s a phase, a manifestation of my grief in THIS moment of time, and I know it will change. But it’s hard to deal with because I judge it as petty, as mean-spirited, as envious, when guess it is human.
hmm…I’m a human being being human.
I miss my man, my love. I am lonely. I am at a loss as to how to deal with it other than to try and help others, get out of my head and emotions and try and ease someone else’s load. It’s hard, when all I want to do is lie, cuddled on the couch, talking, watching a stupid Xmas movie and being loved by the one person I have loved more than anyone else. I’m not sleeping or eating well, not taking care of myself in the ways I know I should. I can’t seem to conjure up the caring.I guess I just sit with it all, see where it leads me.
Thats all I can do. Be human, be lonely, miss Tom and move through this period.
Don’t drink over it. I KNOW that won’t help.
“And this is how I see you, in the snow on Xmas morning, love and happiness surround you. As you throw your hands up to the sky, I’ll keep this memory by and by”
Oh, how I miss, my love ! Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas.