I am writing this post without ALL the information.
I am doing that on purpose, for several reasons…
I will not get an explanation for a while; when I do get an explanation I have no idea how true it will be, altho I will have to accept it at face value; and I want to write about how I am feeling before I have much information.
My last post was about denial and the fact that my husband’s nephew, wife and 3 kids were staying with me for a week.
I have dreaded and stressed over it for weeks now, but have put one foot in front of the other and cleaned and bought food they like and borrowed sheets and towels an air beds and blankets…I have talked about it, bitched about it, written about it, and accepted it. Especially yesterday, accepted it when they got here and, truthfully, it was really good to see them. They are lovely, as are their kids. We visited and set up beds, they went to the skatepark where their son is going to compete, my son made a great dinner before he had to leave for work. When they got back we ate and talked and laughed and then they were all in bed by 9 pm, jetlagged and getting ready to go to Knott’s Berry Farm today.
This morning I didn’t even hear them leave. I was in bed myself about 9, but on the computer. Something happened (another post) and it kept me up, and stressed and sad, so I didn’t fall asleep until about 2.
I came out to get coffee and there was a note (uh-oh!). It said they were probably going to stay in a motel in Anaheim tonite, and then come back and find one closer to the area where the skate park is.
Not staying with me, in other words.
Of course the first place I go is to what did I do wrong? I did everything I could to make them comfortable and what?? Flummoxed would be a good word; gobsmacked.
Dissed, maybe? because next I will go there…WTF?? I worked so hard, borrowed shit, bought food I will never eat. Stressed and fretted and tried to make peace with it all, finally came to a place of acceptance and then…they’re gone. Just like fucking that! WTF???
Like I said, I only have a note to go on here. Maybe it wasn’t comfortable sleeping on air beds, maybe they didn’t realize how hard it is to stay in someone else’s home. It can be completely innocent and I get that, because they don’t travel, and I do,and I am well aware of my limits, while they aren’t.
So I go to my bad places of not being or doing good enough, not having a comfortable enough home, whatever. I go to the place of insecurity about the way Tom’s family sees me anyway, has always seen me. California liberal feminist who stole Tom, whatever…such old fucking news.
I COULD go to a place of gratitude..because it’s more uncomfortable for me to have them in my home than for them to be here, certainly. But that gratitude is tempered by the thought that my attitude and bitching and fear manifested this result…Oh, shit, I don’t believe in that crap, so no.
I will get the truth, or a version of it, later. I will accept whatever that is. I will live. I will not worry about what all the relatives back in Minnesota who I have not seen for 5 years think about me. None of that matters. I did my best. I was willing to do an incredibly hard and uncomfortable thing. If they decide to stay in a comfortable motel vs my floor, that’s smart. My son will eat all the crappy food I bought for them (Cinnamon Toast Crunch? Kraft cheese singles? tons of white bread and milk?).
I will have a much less stressful time leading up to Xmas. My house is so clean! (I hate to admit that…but it is, and I love the way it feels). I just realized, considering the way the house looks, I should use this time to see if I can get a few realtors here to check it out.
It’s not a bad thing. It’s just a thing that I don’t understand, may never understand fully.
Just like so many other things right?