Denial

You know,

I would SWEAR I was drunk a few weeks ago when I asked my nephew, his wife and 3 kids to stay with me for a week.

I KNOW! Right?

All the angst comes next, but first, why, why?

Well, here’s the thing….

good me knows they really could not afford to come out here and stay for a week for his sons skateboarding competition unless they stayed here. It’s very close,and I have the room. It was a kind thing to do and I keep reminding myself of that, as well as reminding my son, who is not happy about it either.

The ego wants to show them a good time and avenge my husband. See, we kept inviting his family to come and visit, to stay with us. His younger brother did, but the others? never. And it was painful to him. He had two brothers and a sister and a freaking horde of nephews and nieces (Catholics!)..and now even more, because they are all old and procreating. We have the room, we had the means, he wanted to show the the kind of time they were always gracious enough to show us when we went to Minnesota.

Whatever. Fuckers never came. Now nephew comes and on him I have laid all my ego and sadness and pain and anger and resentment and, and,and…..

And I am dreading it. SO much.

I don’t have house guests..WE had house guests. We had parties; since I’ve quit drinking I don’t think ANYONE has been to my house, visits, but not a party, a gathering. I isolated her at the end of my drinking, and this is my safe place (though considerably less so as some of my recent posts show) now. I walk thru the door and the sweats go on and I do whatever I want. And I won’t be able to while they are here. And they certainly are not complying with my need to control them….they have made NO plans. None. They have flown with 3 kids to California and i don’t know, are they just gonna sit around the house? I am stymied. And I am told it is none of my business, which I get on one level, but jesus christ they are in MY house! How does that not affect me? I picture myself sneaking out early every day with my laptop and praying for a seat by the plug at Starbucks.

Ay-yiyiyiyi!!!

So the denial runs deep, because it has really screwed me up. This week has been a disaster for me, I can’t remember a thing, I don’t want to do anything, anything I do I resent, I have turned down fun things and distracting things and am now at Saturday evening (they come Tuesday morning) cleaning the house, decorating the tree, trying to see if I have enough pillows and towels and sheets, short one bed and panicking.

So, in panic mode I figure that playing xmas music, LOUD will help. And I’m bopping and distracted until, of course, THE CD comes on. Now I did listen to it the other day, and cried a little but enjoyed it.

Today not so much. Picture washing dishes like a scullery maid, tears flowing. Scrubbing toilets awash in snot. And bouts of dancing and jumping around, because there are some pretty jazzy songs on these cd’s. I made 2 videos …one of me dancing to Bootsie Collins in my sweatshirt and pajama bottoms (which I will not be able to wear with guests in my home!), and one where I introduced my husband singing and then signed off, sobbing. CRAZY! I thought maybe I’d post the song to a FB page I belong to….show him off a bit. .Really? WTF. He’s not my trained dog, he’s my dead husband…big difference. My ego, my need for comforting, for having people tell me I’m doing good, or what a great guy I was married to…just pathetic. That’s what I’m feeling today. (And truth?…hearing him sing is great, but it was his laugh that would have made me the envy of millions!)

I keep saying we have a choice, and we do, oh god we do. Today I’m not too impressed with my choices. I could have seen a wonderful play today with a dear friend. I could be going out to celebrate anther friend’s bday tonite…nope. NOPE..I choose to sit at home and wallow in regret and despair and sadness…

I CHOOSE that.

I am really insane.

And then there is this…

Many of us have had the experience of feeling devoured. Devoured by jobs, family, house and life in general. We may arrive at a point where we feel like we have disappeared – no longer significant enough or smart enough; unable to stay on t

op of things, think or act fast enough. Other times we may feel as though we do not operate as a separate person, engulfed by all that surrounds us.At times, life can indeed, invite us to disappear and it can leave us feeling worthless, without out purpose and wondering why on earth we are here.

At a cross road, the mind presents us with two paths: a way of thinking that leads us on a path of grief, sadness and depression; or we can choose the mindful path of stillness. The life that will unfold for us, relies solely on our perception. If we choose to view our life with despair, our options close down.

It sounds counter-intuitive, that when we reach such a position, we should sit quietly and do nothing, but it is good to remember that solution always finds us if we are at “home”. If we create the space for it to arrive, solution will come.

Every stage in our life brings with it new purpose and opportunity, in stillness we can uncover what that might be.

Feelings of emptiness, loneliness, worthlessness are nothing more than spiritual sign-posts, beckoning us to take the next turn. We do this by sitting quietly, through meditation and prayer we build new power and energy, we establish our sense of center. In stillness we tap the guidance that will lead us on to Higher Purpose.

God how would You have me be today? What would You have me do? Where would You have me go? What would You have me say, and to whom?

Kazi Dolezal at The 12 Step Buddha and Why On Earth Am I Here: Connecting With Your Higher Purpose.

Photo: Many of us have had the experience of feeling devoured. Devoured by jobs, family, house and life in general. We may arrive at a point where we feel like we have disappeared - no longer significant enough or smart enough; unable to stay on top of things, think or act fast enough. Other times we may feel as though we do not operate as a separate person, engulfed by all that surrounds us. </p>
<p>At times, life can indeed, invite us to disappear and it can leave us feeling worthless, without out purpose and wondering why on earth we are here. </p>
<p>At a cross road, the mind presents us with two paths: a way of thinking that leads us on a path of grief, sadness and depression; or we can choose the mindful path of stillness. The life that will unfold for us, relies solely on our perception. If we choose to view our life with despair, our options close down.</p>
<p>It sounds counter-intuitive, that when we reach such a position, we should sit quietly and do nothing, but it is good to remember that solution always finds us if we are at "home". If we create the space for it to arrive, solution will come.</p>
<p>Every stage in our life brings with it new purpose and opportunity, in stillness we can uncover what that might be. </p>
<p>Feelings of emptiness, loneliness, worthlessness are nothing more than spiritual sign-posts, beckoning us to take the next turn. We do this by sitting quietly, through meditation and prayer we build new power and energy, we establish our sense of center. In stillness we tap the guidance that will lead us on to Higher Purpose.</p>
<p>God how would You have me be today? What would You have me do? Where would You have me go? What would You have me say, and to whom?</p>
<p>Kazi Dolezal at The 12 Step Buddha and Why On Earth Am I Here: Connecting With Your Higher Purpose.
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7 Comments

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  1. Ah, what is it that is so seductive about wallowing in regret, despair and sadness? It *is* a choice, you’re right, but I also wonder if that’s not how some of us heal? Like maybe we need that catharsis, that ability to remove our happy-face mask and just sit and cry or feel bad. Maybe THAT is when we are being most genuine, and it’s the other times when we’re buzzing about putting on airs that we are most in denial? I don’t know…

    My house is my safety net, my comfort zone too. It always feels strange to have people over. I can relate very much to what you wrote. I felt it most recently at Thanksgiving when I had my husband’s sons over. But the visit ended uneventfully and it went fine- I had made it so huge in my mind that when it finally occurred it wasn’t anything how I’d imagined.

    I do hope you have a nice visit. I’ll be thinking about you.

    • Actually….

      that is really true…I have to do it occasionally..just give in or I go crazy.
      And I’m not surprised you got that…I beat myself up for choosing the “wrong” emotions..HAH! I allowed yesterday, today I am moving at the speed of sound, getting things done, accepting the fact that they are coming and that’s the way it i…I needed yesterday. Yes

  2. Omg you’re human?!? Wtf, M.

  3. I can really relate to this post. Grief hits everyone in different ways and waves…I don’t think I am “running away” from my grief, but I often find it very hard to sit still, to be mindful. I still need my “bubble of denial”…it’s part of my process. But I have planned to spend Christmas alone…and ironically, a storm took the cable out. So, not a lot of room for the usual distractions…a great opportunity for stillness. I am glad I found your blog, and I am so sorry for your loss. “FTS” really resonates. When we found out my husband had a brain tumor, all I could say over and over was “WTF”.

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