writing a lot.
Was writing this overlooking the beautiful creek I am staying on in Sedona. There is much more to uncover here, but I’m cutting and pasting what I wrote last night. The Inn only has internet in the main Lodge (it’s all a bunch of little cabins…cannot express how wonderful this place is!) Anyway…am about to hit the road, head home. I’m ready, though not looking forward to the drive.
I also wanted to add to this…When Tom died I “met” a wonderful woman named Anna, a Sufi. I found her on a chat room for widows and we became friends. She inspired me to read more Rumi and Hafiz. She inspired me to make an alter to Tom that served me well for a while, and which has now transformed into a shrine to ME! Anyway, I was thinking about her this morning (she died from ovarian cancer a couple years ago) and the stretcher she brought me… well, you’ll see about stretchers…..
here we go:
There is something going on with me and poetry lately. A pull. A need. I don’t know. I guess when I find something that speaks to me at a particular time I will copy it and write about it. I imagine that process will take time, so I will try and convey what is going on in the moment as I read a particular poem.
The poem Zero Circle by Rumi is flat out knocking me out lately. I had not read it before about a week or so ago, and when I did I posted it to my BFB group. It felt like a part of recovery but I hadn’t thought a lot about it. I was compelled to share it, but I had not gotten past that compulsion…I just knew something was there, something important.
Then I read a bit about Rumi, which I have also never done, though I love his poems. The man was a Sufi mystic, and he never, ever wrote down a poem. He would spin around a pillar in the mosque and scribes would write whatever came out of his mouth. From him sprang the Whirling Dervishes and Sufism itself. So, not only a poet, he was a great spiritual teacher. (I read this information in a book by Roger Housden called Ten Poems to Change Your Life. I picked up the book when, after leafing through it I realized I knew and loved most of the 10. It was a great buy). I read about Rumi in Sedona, after picking up this book in Albuquerque on my southwest road trip.
Anyway, here is the poem:
Zero Circle by Rumi
Be helpless, dumbfounded
Unable to say yes or no.
Then a stretcher will come from grace
To gather us up.
We are too dull eyed to see that beauty.
If we say we can, we’re lying.
If we say No, we don’t see it,
That No will behead us
And shut tight our window onto spirit
So let us rather not be sure of anything,
Beside ourselves, and only that, so
Miraculous beings come running to help.
Crazed, lying in a zero circle, mute,
We shall be saying finally,
With tremendous eloquence, Lead us.
When we have totally surrendered to that beauty,
We shall be a mighty kindness.
My initial take in recovery is here it is, Step One and unmanageability. Surrender. He talks about being dumbfounded and unable to either say yes or no…to just accept, to go with the flow, to go with what is already there, inside ourselves, ready to break us loose into the true beauty of the world. Of our lives.
When we are unsure, when we let go “miraculous beings come running to help” because in the acknowledgement that we know nothing we are letting in the truth and the power of what and who we are. It’s such a paradox, and I do not profess to totally understand it. Or this poem…I do not totally understand this poem.
But I am entranced with the final two lines :
“When we have totally surrendered to that beauty,
We shall be a mighty kindness.”
The surrender. To the BEAUTY! What is that beauty other than us, ourselves, our spirit and resilience and our unmanageability, our weakness. That is the beauty I see.
And to be a mighty kindness….what a goal. And those miraculous beings who come running, running! to help. I have seen that, felt that. Stretchers have appeared from grace when I needed them the most, when Tom died and I was so lost and surrendered to a certain point the knowledge of anything making sense, the yes or the no…those stretchers were there.
And when I knew I had to stop drinking, the stretcher appeared.
My life has been unmanageable for a while now. I need to surrender truly, accept and accept the stretchers sent my way.
Because I want my life to be a mighty kindness. Why not?