The Wedding

It was beautiful.

The plan was beautiful. The people were beautiful. The bride and groom were impossibly beautiful. The setting was amazing, and as the light changed so did the vista, ending just before dark with an incredible rainbow and the rising of the Harvest Moon.

Seeing my friends was fabulous; laughing and sharing a meal and dancing. It was a truly magical wedding, and I could not be happier for Eve and Charley and the way my friends Gilmer and Steve pulled it off.

And I am writing this after a full blown sobfest, one that threatened all day and that sent me to the bathroom numerous times to compose myself.

It was HARD.

MY FB picture s a quote “We can do hard things”.

I can do hard things but I don’t want to do hard things. I want the hard things to stop. I am so tired, I really am.

I have to admit that I was a surprised by the feelings today; surprised by their power, their force. I had been feeling so good and so happy and so excited, and then that huge wave of grief hit and just knocked me to my knees. (Literally on one bathroom trip)

There is a quiet undercurrent  of grief that just runs through my life, that I know, that I can live with. I have come to almost embrace it, because it feels right…I do and should miss Tom. I’m used to that feeling, it’s a part of me. I don’t know…maybe I’ve made peace with it?

But this, today…this doesn’t happen a lot and that is a good, good thing. It knocks me out, throws me off. Makes me want to throw up, curl up, do something stupid. It makes me, IN the moment, IN the feeling, want to die. The good thing is it usually is that moment. Not a day. Today it was a day. Today my heart was breaking just at the same time it was filled with joy…so happy for Charley and Eve, so horribly sad for myself.

And for Tom. Jesus, what he has missed in the years. Countless events, countless moments. It breaks my heart that he isn’t on this trip with me, that he…

That he’s dead. It’s ridiculous that he’s fucking dead.

I don’t think this post can be about anything else, because right now there is nothing else.

Tom is dead. It makes no sense to me.

I’m on this road trip, seeing new things, seeing old friends, celebrating life and love. Trying to push the reality of life away, and have fun and be free and feel great. And forget. Stupid.

Tom is dead.

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3 Comments

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  1. Hi Mish, I’m catching up on your trip and your posts… When I read this one though, I just had to reach out and send my thoughts and love. I can see what you meant in your current post about this being a turning point. I feel a lot of pain here, but I also feel maybe a deeper level of acceptance. I just wanted you to know that I’m thinking of you.

    If you get some time, maybe visit one of my friend’s blog, “Window of Wisdom”. She shares a lot of spiritual based thoughts and she was very helpful to me in the time after I lost my mom. This post in particular brought me some peace, maybe it will you too:
    http://awindowofwisdom.wordpress.com/2012/10/07/death/

    Sending my love… christy

    • Thanks Christy…
      yes, a deeper level of acceptance. The cracks are there but they need to be acknowledged before the light can get in. (Leonard Cohen’s quote…you know that one!) Thanks for reaching out, and thanks for this referred post. It’s very interesting, and as one who, over the years, has had a million what I call “winks”…I do find it comforting. The idea of the thin veil that separates us from those who are gone is familiar and and feels right..

      xo
      michele

      • Wanna hear something very strange? After I left that message, I clicked your Tom tagged posts, and sure enough, I saw the message about winks. The Groucho photo and the Vikings….?

        How’s that for a wink? 🙂

        Hugs!

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