I haven’t been writing. I have been distracted by all sorts of things, but writing hasn’t been one of them.
I have been staying with a friend since Tuesday the 5th. Going home tonite. Annie is a wonderful woman, but she 83 and just can’t be alone for a number of reasons…well, at night in particular. It’s been great, actually, in many ways. She lives near the beach, and I have taken advantage of a simple walk to a bluff overlooking the Pacific ocean. I sit and breathe. And think, or try not to. She’s also whip smart and incredibly entertaining and I love her stories, even the ones I’ve heard before. She smokes though, and that has been a challenge, as I have asthma. But I brought my rescue inhaler and, coupled with leaving for walks, or the grocery store, or the occasional meeting…AND open windows and doors, it’s been fine.
I’ve also felt, in some ways, like it’s been a respite from the real world, my real world. And there have been moments where it has. But we all know that life is always there, you can’t escape it, and even here my home and work life has been a burden. I understand the concept of “a geographic”; leaving somewhere to escape your problems or life. I also understand that they are a fallacy, because wherever you go, there you are. You. Or, in this case, Me. With all my baggage and angst and worry and fear and….sigh.
I have really had to think though, during this time. There are certain areas of my life that are not working anymore and now that I am clear headed and thinking I can’t ignore them any longer.. The things are not important, but the need to change is. And how do I do that? Some of the change involves people I love, some are more me, one is huge and scary and sad. Actually, all are huge and scary and sad. AND good, and right and positive. What in life isn’t double-edged like that? I dated a man who used to always shrug and say “it is what it is”. It never annoyed me, he was right. it IS. I was in a meeting last night where the old saw of things happening for reason, being exactly as they are meant to be, was trotted out. That always pisses me off. I am perfectly willing to accept what IS, but not that whatever it IS necessarily has any rhyme or reason to it. Things happen, people die, horrible things happen in the world and lovely things do to. They just ARE. Some things we have the capacity to change, or at least work towards changing; other things are going to happen despite our best (or worst!) efforts. None of this is influenced by prayer , or belief in something in control. Ugh…I don’t want to rant about that right now.
BUT, I do believe that what is, is. Just the fact’s ma’am. And that’s what I have to weep about, rail against, struggle to make better and accept. And then make a decision, based on all those facts, and follow through, commit and stand my ground.
God this is not saying anything. I’m so opaque today. I’m hiding in the shadows of indecision and fear and not being willing to tell the truth , here, at least. But I am working on it. I will figure it out (with help, certainly, we are none of us alone). And I will act . I have some plans starting, baby steps. And while I am hiding I am not hiding behind a drink…there is no solace or answer there.
I added that little saying at he end because I like it and because it’s what I need to do. Some things less, some things more. But the only choice with the love is more. And sometimes loving more causes great pain. It is what it is.