A Choice (and a spew…)

I feel like I’m dying.

I’m not dying, I just feel like it.

The advantage to having so few people reading my blog is that I can do one like this and it’s ok. I hope.

My house needs to be purged and I am in the process of doing it. I have been doing it for far too long. Little by little I go through things, put away what I must keep and then stare at what I have to get rid of but ohmygod is it hard. Hard. I have stopped and started the process over the last few months. I do it and then decide I need a break and then more stuff piles up on top of the stuff I want to get rid of. I need to shred years of stuff. I need to have a garage sale and just get rid of stuff. STUFF..arghh….

Except suddenly it’s different.

You know, the thing about drinking too much is that it’s a good way to stop things, pesky little things like feelings. And if it doesn’t stop them, it changes them…changes them from a perfectly reasonable feeling into something completely different, something that has no relation to what really IS. For example…I am sad becomes I am angry and this is so fucked and give me a drink. I am happy becomes wow this is a nice change of pace so give me a drink. And of course the next thing that happens is that in example A the sad feelings never get dealt with and stay twisted into some grotesque other, and in example B the happy feelings are distorted into guilt and self-loathing for drinking or even having the good feelings because how can I when life sucks and then the whole process starts over.

I do grief work. I lead grief groups.I listen to people who are going through the same things I went through and I normalize their thoughts and feelings, validate them, and hold the hope for them that things WILL get better. And I tell them that there is no time frame on grief and that it’s ok. It’s ok. When Tom died I was wracked with grief, I cried all the time, I went to a grief group, I was in therapy, I tried to do all the right things but I also drank, drank too much, drank to make it go away. Now at a year sober I am going through all the stuff I held on to, both physically and emotionally. I have to do this work, this work is not going to end. When I look at the physical work I have to do, the sorting an throwing and cleaning I feel sad. When I look at the fact that the work, emotionally, is not going to end…I feel like dying.

I started going to a hot yoga class on Sunday nights. It’s led by a recovering alcoholic and it’s 11th step yoga. She talks about program as we move our bodies; as I fight with mine. I love it though, I hear things in a different way and I feel them. Last night she talked about how we manufacture our own misery, and she talked about de-cluttering, order, making our beds (‘m sure you grasp the bigger picture here). I cried and sweated through the class and left feeling lighter. But not light enough. Clearer, but not clear enough. There is a lot of work to be done and I have to do it. Taking another yoga class feels like it will help, the body work is good. It’s something I’m going to do…closer to home.

It has been suggested I get back into therapy.  BY more than one person. By more than two people, ok? It’s a great suggestion. And as I come upon the one year anniversary  of the death of my therapist, the woman who walked me through so much, the thought of finding a new therapist is so awful and overwhelming it’s stunning. It brings up more loss, more feelings. But it has to be done. Does it have to be done? Fuck.

Here’s a news flash…I thought if I just stopped drinking everything would get clear and easier. I tell people that, just like I tell them that their grief will get easier and different. I tell people that to give them hope, because it is hopeful and the right thing to do. But right now, for me? I don’t feel it, believe it. I don’t have that hope. This lack of hope does not make me want to drink again. It feels like that boat has sailed: I KNOW that won’t help. And my experience with feelings is such that I don’t trust mine, so what I’m feeling today may change, I DON’T know that it won’t.  People tell me that it will. Do I believe them? It’s an interesting conundrum. It feels like a choice.

What will I choose?

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4 Comments

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  1. so, hey, it’s Monday so I forgot you had another yoga class yesterday. Twice in a row, that’s tradition… I think this is your best post yet. I always loved what my friend Randall Cobb (Tex, the heavyweight fighter) would say to me when we were jogging around the park and it just felt awful in every way. And he’d say, “Just keep slidin’ and glidin’, little lady – just keep slidin’ and glidin’.”
    Yup.
    Love you

  2. Just keep moving. Put one foot in front of the other. I don’t know where you’ll end up but you’ll expose yourself to more options, different feelings. That’s what I do when I’m overwhelmed. I’m thinking about you!

  3. I know how you feel. There is so much to do and not enough time to get anything done especially with no motivation. I would suggest just focusing on yourself first and get to the house later. One needs to be happy before attending anything to anything or anybody else. I also would suggest a more healthier way to cope with things other than drinking just because I know…it actually makes things worse. You need to find your own outlet..therapists are not always what you need but more of what makes you happy. Something that you love to do. For instance for me, I love running…well when I am sober, not when I used to drink. But when I would go running my mind would wonder and I could think without distractions. I also find blogging a great outlet for me..it seems to keep my mind occupied and I can write about it to let all my feelings out for anybody to see..its better then having them all caged inside of this one body. Just stay positive. Hope everything gets better for you =)

    • Hi Bonnie….and thanks for the reply. I am sober, have been for over a year. I think I was trying to et at the way feelings that I had tried to push away by drinking, and actions that needed to be taken while drinking and just got conveniently pushed aside, are all coming up for me again. I do love writing, running, not so much…but I know a lot of runners who feel like you do! Anyway…thanks for your comments,and rest assured, I am happily and gratefully sober!

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