In late 2010 I was doing my thing surfing the internet and drinking my wine, and I came upon the blog of a woman (and, sadly, I do not remember who she was) who, instead of fussing with cumbersome resolutions for New Years, instead chose a word. One word that would guide her through the coming year, be her bellweather and her barometer. I don’t remember what word she chose, it doesn’t even matter. What mattered, to me, was the idea.
I loved it!
I hated New Years resolutions, hated any resolutions. Whenever I resolved to do (or not do) something I gave myself permission to screw it up. The obvious example was how many times I had recently resolved to moderate my drinking, drink only on weekends, never drink alone, quit drinking all together. And, believe me, at the point I found this blog I was making those resolutions on a daily basis.
The next question then became what word? What word would I choose to live with for 2011? I thought of a million of them, but none of them seemed strong enough. My life felt like a complete shambles, and I needed a word that would save me (not asking for much!).
So I chose YES. YES. YES. A HUGE word, the biggest, most encompassing word I could think of! I wrote it everywhere. I found big , red letters that said YES and they are sitting on my mantle. I began trying to say yes to everything possible; I had been saying no for so long and I was so tired and so alone and so hopeless and so hated myself that I could not stand it. It was a huge, desperate YES. I was a sad, hideous NO.
Within days of the decision to use YES, I began training to lead grief groups. That was huge and important and I knew, finally, that I was through drinking, because how could I hold hope for someone else when I felt so hopeless? So I continued reading the “drunk blogs” I had been scouring since Thanksgiving (always looking for proof I was NOT an alcoholic…didn’t work) but differently now. And I reached out on a support board that I had joined and been reading and writing on, drunk, and someone took me to an AA meeting. (GOD! There is a maybe TMI in this post! Fuck it) and by the end of March I was sober.
Two huge, hopeful, YESES.
That might have been enough, but I continued on YESSING in many smaller ways that have greatly improved my life and attitude toward it. Perfect? God no….I have so much more YES to get to, a few scary things I thought I’d do last year moved to this year’s list. That’s ok, it’s all good, it’s all YES.
So for 2012 I planned to do the same thing. What word though? I knew I was nowhere near finished with YES,so I carried that over, I’m allowed, it’s my game. I began to think of what else holds me back and really makesme unhappy, and I kept coming back to the reasons why I don’t do things in a timely manner, wholeheartedly and full-out. I think the main reason is that I never think I’m good enough, smart enough, capable. I stop before I start because I am not enough.
ENOUGH of that!
I am ENOUGH!
And there’s my word. I like it. It feels right. I am groovin’ with the vibe.
So far it’s been a bitch, the ENOUGH. While I’m working on it, I’m not feeling the love. But that’s because I don’t love me ENOUGH. I need to learn that, I need to embrace ENOUGH and know that I am…ENOUGH.