Courage

Courage does not come easy to me. I don’t choose it. I don’t want to have to be brave, but am often called upon to be brave, courageous. It’s a part of being human, a necessity for growth and life.

I don’t have to like it, or embrace it or want it…but I do have to DO it…be brave/strong/courageous.

I’m not young and I’m not grown up and I’m not who I really am. I know this because when I try and think of who I really am I come up so short. I pray every day to be carried along in the universe’s flow. It’s a good prayer and work’s for me. But in another way it speaks to who I am, or am not, or why I don’t know who I am.

I have lived life in flow. From home to out, from job to job, from relationship to relationship….I have flowed through life from experience to experience and have been incredibly lucky. I’ve always seemed to be ok.

Life is different now. I don’t feel ok in many ways, and in others I feel more ok than I ever have. I feel like I am just learning who I am, what I like. Its a little late in the game, and it scares me to death, because I don’t know if I have the time…or what exactly I have the time for. The life I am living now is not the life I had planned and is not necessarily the life I want, but it is the life I have. I need to be brave. I need to have courage. I need to trust that the flow is still holding me in it’s embrace as I do the work necessary to know me, ME. To grow up and become “who I really am”. To grow up, period.

I do not have any idea what the hell is going to happen, and that thought is incredibly daunting and secretly exciting and weirdly freeing.

I’m going with the flow, but differently, more consciously.

Courageously.

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